Sad and don't know what to do

[Ellie05]

Hello,

I'm not sure what I'm doing here again. I guess I thought that typing out my thoughts would stop them swirling around in my head, snowballing and becoming more dangerous.

You see my dog had to be put down yesterday morning. I'd spent the whole night prior awake with him, watching him be confused, disorientated and struggle to breathe. It's a horrible memory that will always haunt me. I suffer depression but I mostly manage to ignore my problems through use of antidepressants, watching TV and entertaining myself in my head by daydreaming about a better life and pretending I'm living it.

I am single and have always been due to the acute distress that anxiety brings on whenever someone was to tell me their interested in a romantic sense. At my age (31) a lot of people are coupled up so it makes me feel very lonely and sometimes I am terrified of spending my life alone, with no one to hold me when things go wrong.

I feel ugly, growing up the world tends to send the message to young girls that their appearance is the most aspect of them (fairy tales, TV shows, movies and magazines) and being a sensitive person I grew to believe this too strongly.

I'm not working. I get acute anxiety and when that's at play I be extremely lethargic and depressed. I quit my job over a year ago, went overseas for a holiday and then stayed with my parents when I got back. Ever since I just haven't been able to bring myself to apply for another.

My brain is broken. Over the past couple of years I've been experiencing bouts of what I term 'acute distress'. It can be triggered by things I never thought would affect me all that much and it's really intense. Whilst in this phase I can't eat or sleep or even sit still. During the day I can find things to distract myself with (mostly) but nights are spent pacing around the house, whilst feeling progressively worse and worse. These bouts can be really unpredictable and I live in fear of it happening again, especially given I just lost my dog.

I can't cope with the fact that we all get old and die. The thought of losing loved ones just make sick and I worry about it a lot even though they aren't sick.

Despite the above I have a lot of positive things in my life. Loving family, good friends and I still have savings from years of working so am not about to face financial destitution. I just can't seem to be able to appreciate the positives in my life and just get sucked into that black void of depression.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ellie,

I've been experiencing a few computer glitches lately. One of my problems along with my depression is anger issues! I don't know how many times I was ready to throw the computer out the window yesterday. I gave up and went to the beach instead.

Looking for work can have you feeling either elated or depressed! I have been looking for work for over a year now and know those feelings well. It is hard to accept the disappointments. Hopefully your psych can help with all of this.

I'm going to look at different volunteer roles I can do to gain new skills. I'm house sitting for my sister in law next week in the city so will start doing some research when I return home again.

Have you considered volunteering? Who knows who you might meet while doing so.

Regarding hospital admissions, if it is suggested, consider it. I live in a small community. I now don't care who knows why I go to hospital. Some people have been very supportive and caring. One friend drove over 100 kilometres to come and visit me.

People will understand or they won't. The main thing is to get better.

Cheers from Dools

[Dniaiu]

Hi Ellie05,

I'm sorry to hear of your loss 😞

I noticed that you wrote
"the fact that I'll never ..."
a few times (my emphasis), and I wonder if you could swap that thinking with
"I feel that it's unlikely ...".

Thinking "unlikely" rather than "never" lets you admit the possibility of what you're hoping for. Even if it's a slim possibility, it is reason for some hope, and some effort towards the goal.

Watch out for those absolutes ("never", "always", "every", etc.), as they can be the building blocks of nasty thinking traps.

On the other hand, t is a fact that in every post you are intelligent and articulate, and always use correct punctuation and grammar, and are a very good communicator. 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Dniaiu,

You have made some very good points regarding the words we choose to use, and how a different word can make a huge positive impact on how we perceive life.

Thanks for the reminder that a simple word can make all the difference!

Cheers to you from Dools

[Birdy77]

Hi Ellie,

I'm so glad it felt good getting things off your chest here.

You know, you can use this thread whenever you like, almost like a journal if you want. Some other members do that, like a blog.

If you ever feel overwhelmed by your feelings or thoughts, if you want to express them here, go for it, it might relieve some of those oppressive feelings.

When you say you have to apply for jobs away from your family, is that because there are no job opportunities close to your family? I was just wondering, is it possible to have both ... be close to your parents, but also have work? I know this is often difficult.

Gee it's hard to get a job at all these days! You're not alone there, as Dools has shared.

How did your appt go yesterday? And how are you feeling about your appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow?

About the helplines ... there are others you can try if you ever need someone to talk to. I know you know this 😊.

Once when i needed a helpline, i rang one, they weren't working for me, so tried another and another until i found someone who felt right for me at that moment. No shame in that.

I hope you keep talking here Ellie. I am so, so glad getting things off your chest yesterday was helpful. Sorry i couldn't respond straight away i had a sick chicjen on my hands.

How are you feeling today?

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Hello Ellie,

Just checking in to see how you are feeling today?

How was it seeing your psychiatrist yesterday, was it helpful?

Hope you are ok.

🌻birdy

[Ellie05]

Hi Mrs Dools,

I don't know what it is about technology that makes us so crazy but I also get driven up the wall when it fails me. Apparently IT issues are one of the biggest sources of frustration in workplaces! I once almost threw a GPS system out the window. I'm so glad we now have smartphones with google maps.

Good tip about the volunteering. I don't think it will take too long for me to get a job. I've always found it easy before as there is quite high demand in my industry, however I've been out of the workforce for a while so it may be harder than before. I hope you enjoy your week house sitting at your sister in law's place - which city does she live in?

You're so right about the hospital thing. I'm trying to be more and more open about depression and such with those around me. It doesn't help anyone to be secretive about it.

[Ellie05]

Hi Dniaiu,

Thank you so much for the lovely compliment. I'm currently in the process of writing resumes and cover letters so it was wonderful to hear that.

I do very much tend to fall into some nasty thinking habits. I'm going to try doing some CBT moving forwards so I will keep your advice in mind.

Thank you for taking time to reply to my post.

[Ellie05]

Hi Birdy,

Thanks for checking in.

It was a relief to see the psychiatrist, although I do get the feeling that she doesn't quite understand just how bad things get for me and how unnatural it feels when it happens. For the most part I just coast along quite well with my antidepressants and then something will happen that just pushes me off the ledge and suddenly it feels like the world is closing in around me. This dark mood can lift as easily as it comes on. I just can't help but feel there is something more than just your typical depression and anxiety at play here (not that depression and anxiety is ever typical).

Pretty much all job opportunities for me are in Sydney (about 2 hours from my parents place). I could apply for something here but it would pay less and there is also the consideration that most of my friends and a lot of the activities I enjoy are in Sydney too.

Thanks for your advice on the helpline. I'd never thought to give another a go, it's a good idea. I do find writing on these boards to be extremely helpful. The people here are so kind, supportive and understanding. Thank you so much for having taken so much time to read my posts and provide such thoughtful, considered responses. I hope that chicken is doing okay and that you are in a good place right now.

[Birdy77]

Hi Ellie,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you, i have had a very rough couple of weeks.

You sound like you are feeling so much better than a few weeks ago, (going from your above post and from other posts I've seen of yours today elsewhere). i am so glad!

Are you back in Sydney now? I think i read elsewhere that you have an interview coming up, so I'm assuming you made it back into Sydney?

It's great that you have friends and activities there that you like, at least you won't be isolated. And having your parents 2 hours away isn't too bad, not too hard to go visit if you need a hug from them.

I admire you having the courage to put yourself back out there into the world of job interviews and resumes after a long break, it sounds like you've taken it all in your stride!

🌻birdy

P.S. my chicken is much better, but now her sister is crook, so I'm now an expert at squirting medicine down a chook's throat if you ever need any tips 😉

[Ellie05]

Hi Birdy,

Please, no need to apologise. I did come down to Sydney for an interview (staying with a friend). I haven't heard back yet and to be honest I have been a bit anxious and down over the last few days. I suppose it is the uncertainty of my future. I met up with some friends last night for drinks and drank way too much - unfortunately the booze blues have come for me so I'm just going to have to ride this one out. The medication I was on previously used to protect me from these effects but I'm on a new one now so it's a bit of different experience. Because I've experienced such terrifying anxiety in the past whenever I get anxious I tend to get a bit panicky as I'm afraid I'll go back to how I was. However, I just have to remind myself that it's the alcohol affecting my system and that it will pass. Talking to you has made me feel a bit better as I can see things more rationally.

How are you? Is there anything you want to talk about?