Rough times right now

[lunamouse]

Hi, I'm new here, nice to meet you all. I guess I'll start with my situation at the moment and what brought me here.

I started a new job last year that's relevant to my uni degree in law. I was absolutely stoked about it at first - the working hours were good, the people seemed nice (although a bit more extroverted than what I'm used to) and the work was easy. However over time feelings of self-doubt and self-loathing have started creeping up on me. I began to realise I'm in the wrong profession for my personality type, I'm timid, sensitive and a push-over sometimes, I'm very awkward around people, can't interpret social cues and hate making small talk. It doesn't help that my colleagues are all extroverted go-getters who are somehow able to maintain a sociable presence at work whilst also juggling 50 million things. Whereas, in comparison I'm just a bumbling awkward thing who tries to join in lunch-time small talk only to have 5 different people talk over me when I finally come up with something to say.

My inability to fit in at work has really taken a toll on my productivity, most of the time I'd play a conversation with a colleague over and over in my head that I miss crucial work-related things --I have been criticised by my manager countless times about my lack of attention to detail. To sum up, I feel incompetent, worthless and a bit of a nobody at work. 

Also, I have constantly struggled with body image issues and it's become a lot worse this past year. I've started binge-eating to the point I'd feel so gross I'd stare at my swollen stomach in the mirror for hours and cry. Other days, I would starve myself and work out at the gym. I've intentionally pushed away my family and friends by starting trivial arguments. I use my boyfriend as an emotional punching bag and he's tired of me. I'm constantly bitter at other people's success.

I've tried to talk about it but no one understands, they say 'there are less fortunate people than you, you have pretty much everything. Look at those kids in Africa' -which doesn't help. Today I suddenly broke down in the middle of a parking lot and couldn't stop crying, I guess I felt so ashamed of the person I've become - a terrible friend, girlfriend and daughter. 

I'm sorry about this whole rant. I know I need help and I'm truly grateful that I found this forum. I feel like I won't be judged here and I really hope to hear some of your stories so I know I'm not alone in all this. Thank you for reading.

-lunamouse

[MisterM]

Being a timid, introverted, shy, push-over that struggles amongst corporate extroverts made me feel pressured big time and nervous as hell every day at work.
It also made me target of bullying and being made fun of.
I am 31, it's just my personality.
I am unemployed and have been for a year almost. The corporate world (where my degree aligns with) is not fit for my personality. I have been applying for these jobs but not getting anywhere.
I don't know where I should be working to fit my personality.

[lunamouse]

Thank you so much once again for the helpful advice Neil. 

I've taken on your strategies for coping in the workplace and I've actually found my days have improved a bit since I last posted. The thing about this depression business I'm sure you'll know is that it warps your mind to make you believe you're the most useless, incompetent person in the world. Your comment re being there because someone saw talent in me really helped me approach things from a new point of view. I think of my self-confidence as something heavy dangling on a very thin piece of string. Sometimes I'd start the day off pretty well, I'd get things done, I'd handle a few queries and even make some small talk --and that's when I feel my confidence being slowly hoisted up little by little. But because the load is so heavy, a slight nudge, a slight thing that goes wrong, can make it crash heavily back down. My work days sometimes feel like I'm swinging drastically between elated and depressed. But I'm trying to change this by focusing on the things I have done well in the day and constantly reminding myself that, as you said, I must be where I am for a reason and someone needs my particular set of skills.

As for answering questions, I honestly don't know how I passed the interview! I thought I had completely flunked it as nerves got the better of me and I didn't have the chance to put my best foot forward. But at the time, I was filling in for someone who was about to go on maternity leave prematurely so they were quite desperate to get a replacement as there was only one other person in the department. You could say I got lucky! I guess that's why I try so hard to do a good job, and the anxiety of constantly trying to prove my competency has burnt me out and had the opposite effect. I will definitely try your tip about considering questions thoroughly and sorting through sentences to form an answer instead of jumping the gun and trying to get an answer out as quickly as I can (which usually ends up sounding like I don't speak English).

Anyway, I hope you're well and looking after yourself. I have booked myself in to see a GP in two weeks time and will report back. Thanks again!

[lunamouse]

Hi MisterM, thanks for sharing. All I can say is that I can completely relate to what you said about not being in the right profession for your personality. I have a law degree and have done a few internships at corporate law firms --I felt like I was in hell every day surrounded by chirpy, confident, ambitious law students and lawyers. During lunch break, where all the law interns would have lunch as a group, I would say I had a prior appointment with a friend and excuse myself. Once outside, I'd walk around and around the block in a daze just to find myself again. I would dread finishing a piece of work and having to approach a lawyer and ask them for more work, because they'd start quizzing and judging me, or worse, make small talk.

I realised I wasn't cut out for the corporate work environment, so I ended up applying for jobs in Government (both national and state) and not-for-profit organisations. The work culture is a little more accepting and diverse --there are some introverted people who I can immediately feel a connection to. They're also good at what they do and I think it comes with experience. I think when they first started out, they were also dismissed as the 'push-over' and the bland person who never has anything interesting to say just because they're shy. But over time, they've managed to establish themselves because they've found peace with their introverted personality and had more time to focus on developing their knowledge and problem-solving skill sets. I think people like us know our stuff, we are no less competent than our extroverted colleagues, but our personalities hold us back and make us think we're incapable. 

I hope that one day, I can have enough experience to be able to use my introversion to my advantage at work. There are a certain set of skills that only introverted people have, for example, attention to detail, being a good listener etc. I just hope that one day, I can find peace in my introversion and manage to establish myself in the workplace and earn respect for my work. And I sincerely hope the same for you. 

Best of luck in finding peace with yourself. 

[Neil_1]

Hi  lunamouse

 

I’m so pleased that my last post to you provided some reasonably helpful information/advice for you and that it’s kind of worked for you – that’s awesome to read.

Yes, depression is the mother of all illnesses – well, maybe there’s worse out there, like Ebola, but that’s a thread and story for another day.  But yes, the mind warping is one thing that it is highly efficient at doing and that’s where we’ve got to rally our forces to fight hard against it.

What we need to try to do now is to replace this thin piece of string that you’re using to hang your self-confidence on and to make it a rope;  I was going to say a chain, but hey, let’s aim for little goals, kick those and then move on.   Now to get to a length of rope, would mean for you to REALLY emphasise to yourself after you’ve done a piece of work, handled a few queries or made some small talk – this might sound weird, but bear with me – get yourself off somewhere nice and quiet – go for a coffee and really do some inner talk.  TELL yourself that you done good, not the best English, but hey, we’re in your mind here, so it’s cool to speak however, as long as you get the message.  So yeah, whatever it was, really internalise how GOOD or WELL you did.

Even with small talk – as much as it sucks (and believe me, I dislike it as much as the next person who dislikes it), if you can remove yourself from your comfort zone in this regard and think, hey, this is only going to be say, 2 minutes out of my day, but at the end of it, it’ll help build the strength in me.  And try to focus the talk on the other person – asking someone else questions about themselves, well that’s what it’s about – cause over the years, I’ve realised that often times, people’s favourite topics are to talk about themselves.  So ask the question, before they ask you.   How they are, how was the weekend, their kids, etc?    What’s your favourite flavoured ice-cream is a good one that really makes people think – and is way different to the usual questions I first raised.

You ARE there for a reason and the people there DO require your skills – also focus focus focus on your elated moments.   AND if a slight thing goes wrong, it usually can be fixed and things move on and they will move on.  Keep moving on with things and keep reminding reminding yourself that you are awesome and you are great in this role.

Write as often as you wish and I love hearing about how you’re going.

Neil