I feel as though I am always putting on a brave face

[Loco_]

I believe I have suffered from depression in varying degrees since adolescence, and also have a history of self-harm. However, the past 12 months have been particularly bad. It all come to a head in January when my partner begged me to seek help. I had a mental health assessment with my GP, and was started on a dose of anitdepressants  and referred to a psychologist.

I have been to two sessions with the psychologist since then and am taking my medication as required. However, I feel as though I am getting worse...

I suffer from constant negative thoughts and believe I have depression and social anxiety. Lately, I have really been questioning my mental health.

Getting up and out of bed is a struggle on a daily basis. I work nights so already have a somewhat disturbed sleep pattern, but even when I have had a good nights sleep, I am lethargic and simply don't want to get up.

I feel as though loved ones think I'm making it up, and I worry that my psychologist thinks I'm being petty. I feel as though I have no one to talk with and no support available.

I struggle socialising with friends, as I become anxious and ruminate over what I said, or what they said, if they like me, my appearance etc.

My partner and a number of close friends also experience depression and anxiety, I feel as though I am always putting on a brave face to support them. Even when I do communicate that I need help, I feel as though they make it about them.

This further causes me to feel bad, as I feel selfish and rude to think that way about my friends and love ones. I feel I should support them and that demanding help myself is just self absorbed.

I have briefly touched on this with my psychologist. I think she's really good and  feel hopeful after our sessions so far. I already feel an attachment to her, but now that is concerning me too. I feel like I like her too much, like I will come across as too needy. Anyway, sometimes I feel like the concern is more on formulating a plan rather than me being heard. This may be because were in the initial stages...

I am always so anxious and nervous at the start of the session, I know she will ask how I have been. I want to answer truthful but am held back by my fear of coming across as faking it, pathetic, overreacting etc.

I just feel meh!! and wanted to know if anyone can relate to these feelings?

[Neil_1]

Hi there Loco

And welcome to Beyond Blue.

No, you are not on your own with what you describe.  If you get a chance to have a squiz at other threads on this particular area of Depression, there are just so many people who are in this same boat.  So while it’s not that good a thing to hear, I hope that you feel a little ‘comfort’ in knowing that all you have written about is being shared by so many others out there.

I think you should really open up fully to your psych – if she’s as good as you are commenting about, then there is no way she’ll think you being petty – and let’s face it, from the sound of it, you do really need someone who you are able to feel comfortable with.  So yes, it should be your psych that you can fully unload too – after all, that’s why THEY get paid the big bucks.  And if you hold stuff back, then how are they going to be able to try to treat that?

With regard to your meds, not sure how long you’ve been on them, but they do take generally between 4-6 weeks before they commence doing their job, so if you’re in the early stages of taking them, don’t be too concerned at this point.  Give them some more time.

Just lastly, with regard, especially to your partner – if you’re suffering yourself and your partner (who also suffers) knows about this, I would have thought that your partner would be perhaps a bit more sympathetic to you, and be especially able to empathise with you.

I’ll send this off now, but would love to hear from you again.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Loco

Love the name. Sort of sums up how we all feel from time to time. Know that soon you will want to change your name to something that reflects your state of mind and feelings. Welcome to Beyond Blue.

I firmly agree with all that Neil has written. So many other people feel that same way as you. We all question our mental health at times and wonder where we are going.

Have you recently started seeing the psychologist? I ask as you went to your GP in January and it is now May and you have only had two sessions. I hope this does not reflect a long gap in appointments.

Your feelings about your psych are also natural. I had the same experience with my psych. He explained it by saying the room where we met was away from the world, so to speak. There was nothing in the room to harm me or cause distress. It is a safe environment where I can say what I want without any fear of rejection or anger etc. Now this is not the way it happens 'in the real world' as you can appreciate. Too many other things happening in addition to our normal interactions with people.

The consultation room is a haven out of time. So it's hardly surprising that we like being there. No need to care about other people, worry if you say the wrong thing, get upset, cry, laugh, get angry. The psych does not take it personally, it's their job. Now if you knew someone 'out there' with those characteristics I have no doubt you would find that person most attractive, and I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way.

So accept what I believe is the best aspect of seeing a psych. Having someone who does not bite back, who understands how you feel, accepts that you can be uptight and a little irrational at time, and knows how overwhelming life can be at times. Liking your psych is OK and certainly better than the alternative. I find as a race, psychologists are more human than psychiatrists. So thank your lucky stars you can 'click' with your psych and concentrate on getting well. Everything else will fall into place.

Depression is a serious illness. It will not help you to struggle to help others while you are so unwell. If it were a physical illness you would give yourself time to get well and expect help. Mental illness is no different in that respect. It gets bad press because it is invisible in so many ways.

So stop trying to save the world and care for yourself. Talk about this with your psych and I bet she will agree.

Must stop, almost out of characters. Write in again.

Regards

Mary

[Loco_]

Hi Niel and Mary,

 Thanks for your thoughtful replies. 

 ive decided to stop holding back and bring up some of these issues with my pysch this week. Think I might write some notes to help me, as I get extremely anxious when I get there. 

Ive been on the meds for 3 months, I can see the difference since I've started with them. As for the delay in seeing the pysch, I put off acting on the referral for a month, then waited a month for the first appointment (waitlist), now am seeing her every 2 weeks.

i have brought up some of my feelings about lack of support and feelings as thought I'm everyone's crutch with my psych. We're working on mitigating my ruminating tendencies, and building some assertiveness skills.

 I'm a social worker so I guess it comes naturally to try and save the word. But Mary your right, I'm no good to anyone else if I don't practice self care. 

 Thanks again - will let you know how I go opening up to my psych 

[White_Rose]

Dear Loco

That is great news. I wish you all the best in your future sessions with your psych. Please keep us posted.

Mary