Rough times right now

[lunamouse]

Hi, I'm new here, nice to meet you all. I guess I'll start with my situation at the moment and what brought me here.

I started a new job last year that's relevant to my uni degree in law. I was absolutely stoked about it at first - the working hours were good, the people seemed nice (although a bit more extroverted than what I'm used to) and the work was easy. However over time feelings of self-doubt and self-loathing have started creeping up on me. I began to realise I'm in the wrong profession for my personality type, I'm timid, sensitive and a push-over sometimes, I'm very awkward around people, can't interpret social cues and hate making small talk. It doesn't help that my colleagues are all extroverted go-getters who are somehow able to maintain a sociable presence at work whilst also juggling 50 million things. Whereas, in comparison I'm just a bumbling awkward thing who tries to join in lunch-time small talk only to have 5 different people talk over me when I finally come up with something to say.

My inability to fit in at work has really taken a toll on my productivity, most of the time I'd play a conversation with a colleague over and over in my head that I miss crucial work-related things --I have been criticised by my manager countless times about my lack of attention to detail. To sum up, I feel incompetent, worthless and a bit of a nobody at work. 

Also, I have constantly struggled with body image issues and it's become a lot worse this past year. I've started binge-eating to the point I'd feel so gross I'd stare at my swollen stomach in the mirror for hours and cry. Other days, I would starve myself and work out at the gym. I've intentionally pushed away my family and friends by starting trivial arguments. I use my boyfriend as an emotional punching bag and he's tired of me. I'm constantly bitter at other people's success.

I've tried to talk about it but no one understands, they say 'there are less fortunate people than you, you have pretty much everything. Look at those kids in Africa' -which doesn't help. Today I suddenly broke down in the middle of a parking lot and couldn't stop crying, I guess I felt so ashamed of the person I've become - a terrible friend, girlfriend and daughter. 

I'm sorry about this whole rant. I know I need help and I'm truly grateful that I found this forum. I feel like I won't be judged here and I really hope to hear some of your stories so I know I'm not alone in all this. Thank you for reading.

-lunamouse

[Neil_1]

Hi there LunaMouse

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

With regard to your job, it may not be you are in the wrong profession – it might just be that the people around you are more extroverted than you and it could well just be the people (or is it a job that being an extrovert and being in that kind of job go hand in hand?)   But the thing is, not all of us are extroverts and I’d bet you anything that perhaps more than one of them is not the entire extrovert – that they are “putting it on for the job”.  Then once they’re elsewhere, they’ll revert back to being a lot less of a go-getter.

That’s not good that your manager has picked up on your work and criticises – hopefully it’s more constructive criticism and that they are trying to help you along??

From what I can gather, it seems that you really do need to get a professional to help you along here – ie:  getting an appointment with a gp to discuss all that is happening – and from that they may be able to provide appropriate guidance, perhaps medications if they deem necessary and/or counselling to help you with further scenarios and ways to help you during different situations.

I hope this has helped in some way and would love to hear back from you again.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Lunar Mouse

Welcome to our community. It's really good that you have found your way here.

I worked for an organisation that had a floor of legal people. Lawyers tend to work in a confrontational manner which is the way things happen in court.  Sadly that attitude transfers to the workplace and you need to be pretty tough to keep up with them. My job did not entail meetings with the legal people much and when it did it was usually one to one. Even so they could be overbearing and overwhelming.

It depends on what sort of job you want when you have completed your law degree whether or not you are suitable. If your job will be office bound, so to speak, then I expect you could cope. I presume you are still in your early 20s and have not been out in the world a great deal. Excuse me if that sounded patronising. It is the sum of our various experiences that make us confident, able to chit chat and speak our truths.

With your manager's comments about lack of attention, this is a major problem. No matter where you work you will be expected to listen, understand and put into action your duties. May I suggest you get yourself a notebook. When there are discussions, either in a group or one to one, then make notes as you go along. Not only will it stop you replaying conversations but will also give you the information you need when you get back to your desk.

Those were the easy bits. Depression, and it appears you are a little depressed, can play all sorts of tricks with your mind. One of these is the lack of concentration. Also in the mix is self-loathing, lack of confidence, poor body image and a heap more horrid characteristics. Look under the tabs at the top of the page and read the information about depression and anxiety. See The Facts and Resources. BB will send any of this information to you.

Make yourself familiar with all the faces of the Black Dog. Binge eating and starving are two parts of the same thing. I know how difficult it is to lose weight. I've been trying for years. But if you can give yourself a healthy diet not only will you lose weight but you will feel so much better. Yes I know, easier said than done.

Please start the process to get some professional help.

Mary

[lunamouse]

Thank you for your response Neil1, that's very helpful.I share the floor with the Events department and it takes a certain type of personality to work in that area, which is why I feel I'm surrounded by extroverts that know what to say in every situation. You're absolutely right about the whole faking extroversion thing --I guess you really do have to fake it till you make it. 

The criticism from my manager is mostly constructive, however I think she's starting to get tired of repeatedly catching me out for really silly errors - she constantly sighs and tells me that my lack of attention to detail is letting the whole team down. Today, I made another stupid mistake and after my manager spoke with me, I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I felt my face flush, was shaking and kept playing the conversation over and over in my head. I lied that I was sick with the flu and went home early. 

I will book myself in for a GP consultation next week and hopefully they'll refer me on to a psychologist. I'm considering taking some time off work to focus on my mental health. 

Thanks again for your help.

[beyondjazz]

Hey Luna Mouse,

I think it's great you're at least trying to find some support. I can be really hard when you feel like you can't be yourself - which I suppose many of us feel like at work. I found that 'introvert' vs 'extrovert' is really just a scale - some people are more up the outgoing end, whereas others are more down the timid end. I try not to put my self in a 'box' of one thing or another. Maybe this will help the way you feel about it. 

I found it really hard to concentrate at work when I had pretty severe anxiety. It's like our brains are only this big, and they can only take so much on board. Trying to think about the details of a business funding proposal while my stomach was doing back flips was almost impossible. 

I found having a good support network around me outside work helped me work out what I needed to do to get better. Do you have family and friends you can speak with honestly about how you're feeling? I found getting professional help also gave me some strategies I could use to minimize the 'noise' in my head, which in turn helped me to concentrate better. Like Mary, I would recommend looking into seeing someone, even if just for a couple of sessions to get some strategies that might help. 

Good luck! 

[lunamouse]

Thanks for the very practical and helpful advice Mary, much appreciated. I work in an admin role that involves day to day interactions with lawyers, and you're right, they can be very blunt and confrontational. I think the depression kicks in and makes me feel like I'm intellectually incapable next to them and that I'm unable to hold my ground. This knocks down my confidence and I'm constantly umm-ing and aah-ing over the phone, which makes me seem really incompetent. The lawyers then notice my lack of conviction and question me even further. The frustrating thing is, once I hang up the phone, I know exactly what I should have told them, but I get so flustered that I can't make coherent sentences.

You're also right about how my lack of confidence in chit chat comes from my lack of experience in the real world. Growing up, I've mostly focused on academics and had a small group of equally sheltered friends. I feel like I never made the most of my uni days to get out, meet people and experience things. And once I was out of uni, I plunged straight into work and suddenly I had to deal with real people. This might sound odd, but I feel like a child dressed up as a grown-up sometimes, it seems everyone I talk to at work has had years of experience being an adult, whereas I'm just this kid --doesn't help that I'm actually the youngest in the office and everyone else is either starting a family or in their 40s.

Your advice about taking a notebook around with me is very helpful, I'll definitely start making a habit of this - I'm usually really forgetful and somewhat unfocused when people are talking to me because I'm too busy being nervous about screwing things up instead of actually listening to their instructions, which is counter-productive I know.

Anyway, thanks again for your advice. I am booking myself in for a session with my GP next week, hopefully they can refer me on to someone. 

[Clayhay]

Hi

Unfortunately I cant offer a lot of advice at the moment, but yours was the one post i read yesterday and went ÿe, i get this, this sounds like me"Im so sorry its hard for you I just wanted to send you a (((hug))) to thank you for sharing. It helped me post my story too.

I get emotional quite quickly too. I hate it when I just want to cry and cant stop it. It has caused me losing a job in the past.

Good luck, I hope I can follow your journey xo 

[lunamouse]

Thanks beyondjazz. What you said about your stomach doing backflips is a pretty accurate description of how I feel immediately after someone asks me a question at work --that initial dread of not being able to perform or accidentally saying something stupid, at the same time trying to answer the question and remembering how to form basic sentences when my brain feels like it's about to explode. Afterwards, I'd get out of the office and walk around the block in a daze so I can gather myself again.

One thing i'm lacking right now is a support network of friends and family. My mum has had a history of severe anxiety and bipolar herself, it's recently reared up again but she's in denial. My dad is supporting her, so I don't want to impose on him with my problems. I don't really have frequent contact with my friends -maybe once a fortnight we'd hang out since everyone's super busy. I used to have a best friend whom I talked to about everything, but ever since I've started this job, she said I've changed into a different person. I constantly had mood swings and was a terrible friend to her, we ended up having a massive fight a few months ago about something really trivial, I haven't spoken to her since. The only person I really talk to on a regular basis is my boyfriend who I've been with for 6 years. He's very supportive and will lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on, but I feel he doesn't really understand what it's like having a mental illness -he's the kind of person that likes to find quick solutions and I guess it really frustrates him that he can 'fix' me. Sometimes I feel like I use him as an emotional punching bag and he's almost at his limit. I'm glad I found this forum because I can take my time to sort out my feelings and write them down, without having to worry that I'm stressing out a loved one or burdening someone with my problems.

I will definitely take up your advice about seeking professional help and getting some strategies to deal with my anxiety. Thank you for your help and I hope you're doing well.

[lunamouse]

Hi Clayhay, thank you so much for your support and I'm sending lots of hugs to you too. I'm glad that you can relate to my story - sometimes I just really need to know that I'm not alone in this world, it's easy to feel that way when there are so many people I've shut out. I hope you stay strong.

[Neil_1]

Dear Luna Mouse

Thanx so much for your recent responses – with all that you’ve written and how you describe things, it really sounds to me that you’re a person with a heart of gold.  But just are being dogged by this mongrel illness, so if we can on here help a little bit, plus if you get this appointment thing happening as well, who knows, we might be able to help you a little bit.  And a little bit is better than nothing, hey!  🙂

One thing you wrote that I want to comment on, is that you say, you’re in a place where you are the youngest and others are starting families or in their 40’s.  This is just something that does happen from time to time.  Just depends on the workplace – other times, there’ll be a group of younger ones picked up on a staff intake and that is surely so beneficial for first timers starting out.

But with where you are, it would make it very different kind of workplace to be in.  But if we take it a step back – you ARE there, so someone there saw something special in you, the talent in you to take you on for their workplace.  So please think on that for a moment, so to me, that speaks again for the talent that you do possess.  It’s just a matter of being able to harness that and put it to good use in your job.

You said about being a bit panicked when asked a question.  I’m not sure how you won the job, but I would assume that it would have been through an interview process.  And in that, you are asked a number of different questions and you’re basically put on the spot and need to answer it and answer it well to have a chance of being successful.  My advice for when being asked a question is firstly don’t jump straight at it with an answer – just take a deep breath and think about it first and sort through the words (quickly) to hopefully give your mind a little more time to come up with an appropriate answer.  And if it’s something that seems that you’re not quite understanding, then ask them to ask it in a different way, which often can trigger something for you which’ll help you come up with something.

Again, great to hear from you again and keep coming back and unloading, asking or just writing – we’re here for you.

Neil