It happened to me didn't it?

[thundergod]

Hey, so I didn't really know where to turn with this and I found comfort in the anonymity that this kind of thing offers, so thought I might try and get something out of my head to see if it does anything.

I guess I should start by saying for the last month and a half I have felt pretty lame. Not really enjoying stuff, just turning up and appearing normal to anyone who happens to bump into me. I started seeing a girl in the last two months, which has mostly been great, but she's moving away and last week she told me she doesn't really want a boyfriend, just a friend. I was already feeling pretty worthless by that time with other stuff outside of this (life/work/band etc.), but I think that really stuck the boot in and now I kind of feel as though my worth is at an all time low. I'm struggling to come up with excuses to keep existing, I feel like I'm destined to plot this course of life alone and quite frankly it's a journey I'm really not that keen to see out the end of, especially if this is all that's in-store for me. I had a look at stuff around suicide over the weekend, originally I thought that looking at something like that would scare me into getting better, but I was weirdly at peace with the idea, as if it were somehow justifiable. 

I really don't want to talk my parents about this stuff, partly because I want to spare them the worry but mostly because I'm 100% certain that they'll tell other members of my family, who then tell more people, so on and so fourth. 

The kicker in all of this? I'm a Mental Health worker. My job is to help people deal with the things that they are going through, yet I can' help myself? You know, I never thought it would happen to me... but I always thought on the off chance that it did, I would know how to fix it, but alas, here I am, morosely content on fading into the background I've tried to be so different from.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Jacko777]

Hi Thundergod,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am glad you are trying this out and I am sad to hear how you have been going.

So, what is your advice for your self? What would you recommend to your self and can you do it? If you don't know the answers perhaps you could use the support and advice of a psych or counselor, develop a fresh plan that you can activate, small steps each day. Perhaps this event with your girlfriend was a trigger for something. I guess it doesn't matter what your job is, if you are suffering you get help.

I try to separate the aspects of my life, I put them in circles on paper with spokes into 'me'. Aspects like family, relationships, home, music, nature, etc these are the things that make up 'me'. Then I can look at each aspect, develop goals and strategies to reach the goals, bring it back to what I need to do today. Then I practice taking satisfaction from knowing that I am in the saddle and on track. When one aspect is challenged, like a relationship issue, I still have other topped up circles that give me strength and self respect, I have some circles that nothing can touch.

Please ring the BB phone service if you are feeling so low, I care that you look after yourself. Perhaps it is time to revisit your true passions in life and practice focusing on achieving them, as you know it is always a journey and you have the choice to enjoy the journey or not. Keep us posted.

Jack

[geoff]

dear Thundergod, hi and thanks for wanting to talk to us.

I am so sorry that you have come to this stage where you have thoughts of ending your life, but in return can understand how you feel.

Even professionals can be no different than even you who works as a Mental Health worker when it comes to having a break down, and it doesn't mean that you or them are imperious in becoming depressed, in actual fact no one is, as even our highest political leaders are prone to this illness, but that's another discussion.

To help other people where you work is much easier than helping yourself, because you can talk to them in a logical manner, because it's not about you it's about solving their problems, but if it strikes you down, then you are searching for answers, but eventually you stop looking and this is when you have to seek help from other people such as counsellors or psych's who will be able to look 'outside the square.'

Rejection by a partner is never the nicest event that could happen, it's virtually a 'knock-back', where some people are able to overcome this quite easily, while others struggle and then could fall to depression, and this unfortunately has happened to you.

You know from experience that suicide is the end, and I'm sure that you have had many conversations with patients who have wanted to do this, or who have been brought in after an attempt by the police or family, it's a terrible sight to see, so these people need urgent attention and comfort.

Rumours do spread, no matter incident you are to keep it quite, and this has always been an ongoing problem, so I do appreciate the fact that you don't want to talk to your parents, unless they are able to keep it quite, but this is not for you to approach a counsellor or psych at work, however you may want to not let work know, so then it would be a good idea to contact someone outside of work.

I'm almost out of space, but I really would love for you to get back to us. Geoff.

[thundergod]

Hey guys,

Firstly thanks heaps for the support. It means a lot.

Just to update on where I'm at: After I wrote that post I received an email from beyond blue with various tips and support measures, one of those measures was information surrounding the Suicide Call Back Service. I ended up calling them on my phone break. Initially, I just cried a lot but soon the weight started lifting the more I talked about what I was feeling. I received some really good tips surrounding distraction and how to manage riding those waves of intensely negative emotion, I've also made a GP appointment to set up my own Mental Health Care Plan and get a referral to a Psychologist. I also ate something last night for the first time in 3 days.

I feel so much better than I did yesterday and I guess I owe it to not only anyone that helped, but myself... I never would have thought that reaching out to someone to tell them that you aren't feeling so crash hot would be so hard yet so beneficial. If anyone is reading this and in a similar situation where they feel that they can't say anything and feel that this burden is their's to carry on their own, I implore you to pipe up and say something to someone. No one chased me out of town with lit torches and pitchforks... People actually listened, cared and helped.

By no means am I out of the woods in regard to this stuff, but I think in the last 24 hours I've achieved a kind of clarity that I've been longing for for sometime. 

Cheers,

TG

[Jacko777]

Hi TG,

You have brought tears to my eyes! I am so pleased that you found some of the clarity that you desired, now you know that you can find this clarity and you can remind yourself as you ride the wave. I'm pretty glad you ate as well! It is a beautiful message you have shared. No torches and pitchforks here, only love and support.

All the best with your GP, don't let up. Do keep us posted if you feel like it.

Sit back occasionally and be thankful that you found the strength to seek help and you are prepared to take steps to be better.

Jack