Rocks and Islands

[Girl_Anachronism]

"...Don't talk of love./ But I've heard those words before; / It's sleeping in my memory./ I won' t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died./ If I never loved I never would have cried./ I'm a rock. I'm an island..."

You know normally I have new theme or problem when I post a new thread. I don't really have one for this, just the old one was getting too long and I felt the need to post. I felt the need to contact with someone. 

I just came back from second session with my new psych. We are working challenging thoughts. It makes sense but it will take time. I knew that from the beginning, just this week has been so wretched that everything seems a monumental task. I made muffins yesterday. I sang and danced in the kitchen to the tunes of Sweeney Todd. My friend who was also having a hard night is going to come over today. We were meant to make muffins but I don't know if we'll have time now.

On the way home from the psych I felt so bad I was just silently crying slowly as I was driving. It's a skill. I stopped off on the shops, sunglasses on and all in order to spend my last twenty for the week on skittles and childrens stickers. The shinier the better. In my hospital admission, a friend of mine in there (fellow patient) held a slumber party of sorts and we had colouring in books, pizza and I decorated my various gadgets with bright glittery puffy stickers.  I bought these to finish the job ad decorate the cbt file my psych gave me. I bought them because I thought it would make me happy, or least give me something to do. It makes me kind of sad though it reminds me of the hospital and how safe I felt. How I had hope when i lefft for all of two days before I crashed. 

I am unlikely to be able to see my psychiatrist to change meds this week. She is just too busy. I could see a doctor on duty but they don't know my entire history. It's too much effort for someone new. I did hear via psychologist though that I can stop taking the antidepressants that have been giving me migraines. I have been weaning off for this past week. It would have been nice to hear from her in person, or get on something different but I guess that will just have to wait two weeks. 

I'm not that important. I am just going to take my stickers, decorate my books and then go to bed. Seems thats all that is left.

"And a rock feels no pain; An island never cries."

GA

[Jo3]

Hey GA

I agree with you - people do say "oh it gets easier" but how do we know that. Do we just keep fighting.

I actually said this to my GP yesterday while crying, saying to him "i'm over this, i don't want to do this anymore, i've been struggling for 4 years i don't know if i can do this anymore" and his response was "Jo you have to keep fighting".

Do you know GA, these past 4 years have consumed me so much, have taken all my effort, energy and confidence, self esteem just about everything.

I hope your psych session goes well tomorrow. Wow GA you sound very determined to get rid of the wedding rings. Thinking of you

Jo

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

I actually saw a quote on my news feed from one of my favourite authors, from a piece of tv show dialogue. The quote was a reply to someone who had lost their baby and wondered what was next and why they kept going. The midwife said in reply, "Stay alive until you feel alive again."

I guess thats what we are doing Jo. It is not an easy path to walk and damned if I don't want to get off it sometimes, but it's the path I have been given. 

And yes I am determined to get rid of these wedding and engagement rings. I just don't want to own them anymore, nor know that my friend has them even. I don't want the memories to come back to me if I stumble upon them again in future. That part of my life is done, and I won't be going back.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Further chronicles of GA and the Great Sundering:

The Ring has been sold, to be melted down to bring no more bad juju to any other relationships. 

Psych session was had and instead of bieng about challenging thoughts, it was more crisis management.  I'm a wreck, I'm a mess and couldn't stop shaking the entire time. We talked about anxiety, The Phonecall and beginning steps to manage anxiety. She said it is a perfectly natural response to so much change and uncertainty. That instead of trying to stop it, or shove it down so emotions don't happen and then get more anxious when I fail, I should make room for anxiety. It is just somethign that will happen and I have a few exercises to try when it hits to calm down. 

We also talked of a few administration things, like getting a recommendation for a new GP, further scripts off the duty doctor until my next medical appointment, etc. I have on OT home visit tomorrow, so more administration then. 

Anxiety is really high today, but I am trying to ride the wave and let it subside. Its damned hard.

So I guess I am treading water as opposed to swimming, but at least I'm not sinking.

GA

[Jo3]

GA

Stay on here and talk as much as you want to. We are here for you.

I understand completely how your anxiety will be high but like you say you are riding the wave but it is hard.

Just reading your posts lately I can see how much strength you have because of everything you are going through at the moment.

Big hug for you GA

Take care

Jo xx

[Bridge]

Hi GA

I love the quote "stay alive until you feel alive again."  so true.

and how long does it take? how long is a piece of string?

it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job just keeping your boat afloat and pointing its nose to the wind to ride out the waves as easily as possible. Which at the moment, is all you can possibly do.

stay alive my friend

bridge

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi guys,

I don't feel strong right now. I just feel like an emotional mess.

GA