Rocks and Islands

[Girl_Anachronism]

"...Don't talk of love./ But I've heard those words before; / It's sleeping in my memory./ I won' t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died./ If I never loved I never would have cried./ I'm a rock. I'm an island..."

You know normally I have new theme or problem when I post a new thread. I don't really have one for this, just the old one was getting too long and I felt the need to post. I felt the need to contact with someone. 

I just came back from second session with my new psych. We are working challenging thoughts. It makes sense but it will take time. I knew that from the beginning, just this week has been so wretched that everything seems a monumental task. I made muffins yesterday. I sang and danced in the kitchen to the tunes of Sweeney Todd. My friend who was also having a hard night is going to come over today. We were meant to make muffins but I don't know if we'll have time now.

On the way home from the psych I felt so bad I was just silently crying slowly as I was driving. It's a skill. I stopped off on the shops, sunglasses on and all in order to spend my last twenty for the week on skittles and childrens stickers. The shinier the better. In my hospital admission, a friend of mine in there (fellow patient) held a slumber party of sorts and we had colouring in books, pizza and I decorated my various gadgets with bright glittery puffy stickers.  I bought these to finish the job ad decorate the cbt file my psych gave me. I bought them because I thought it would make me happy, or least give me something to do. It makes me kind of sad though it reminds me of the hospital and how safe I felt. How I had hope when i lefft for all of two days before I crashed. 

I am unlikely to be able to see my psychiatrist to change meds this week. She is just too busy. I could see a doctor on duty but they don't know my entire history. It's too much effort for someone new. I did hear via psychologist though that I can stop taking the antidepressants that have been giving me migraines. I have been weaning off for this past week. It would have been nice to hear from her in person, or get on something different but I guess that will just have to wait two weeks. 

I'm not that important. I am just going to take my stickers, decorate my books and then go to bed. Seems thats all that is left.

"And a rock feels no pain; An island never cries."

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, I believe that this is the right way to go, it will be a bit scary and this is only because it's a new direction which you heading for.

By his wording 'come crawling back' just highlights his thoughts of you, and what this means is that he believes that he is at the top of his pecking order, well let him wait and see the improvement that will happen to you, and slowly it will happen. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

My Dear friend GA, first my apologies as I've replied several times & my posts aren't here somme I pad is their problem. But I can use my phone to type & you have been on my mind so much& reading through all you have experienced them past week-my heart really does break for you. I don't want to go over upsetting things but trust me when I say their process you are going through with dreams & memories is unsettling & very traumatic. When I recalled being putoon mess at age 8 & them school meeting my parents & their denial of abuse-something felt like it died in me. And notes I wake in terror with awful memories that I have to learn to live with-i feel so much for you going through that process as I have done several times due to multiple abusers. GA I know when I first headed down their path your on-i wanted to run so far, I wanted to hide & never have to cope with reality again. Forgive me for asking-and you may have already discussed this-but you never previously seemed to mention your husband as a an issue. Did something happen or was it a process in yourself? I am thinking of you heaps & send all my love. Be good to hear from you if your able. Mares xxx

[Jo3]

Hi GA,

Just wondering how you are? Been thinking about you and Mares as well.  Mares, I hope you okay too.

I don't know what else to write, sometimes I feel like i don't know what to say.

But I am thinking of you both and hope you are both okay.

Take care

Your friend

Jo xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi guys, 

I am a jumble of emotions at the moment. Scared of the new uncertainty of being alone, scared of never finxing anyone else, hurt at his actions and words, angry at him for wasted years of my life, afraid of failing and it all being my fault, ashamed of having wasted his time. 

That said I feel better with all this jumble that the pressure the relationship induced. So I guess I am not ok, but I have been worse.

I hope you are all travelling well. I havent been posting much due to problems with my tablet and the site today. 

I know I am not going to go back to him. I know this the right the decision. I just wish it didnt hurt so damn much.

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, this is a natural feeling, and I remember when I had moved out when our house was sold and had to do the grocery shopping, but this time it was just for myself, the need to cry was definitely there, and maybe a tear did flow down my cheek, it was a sad feeling, and the same will happen with you, but progressively over time I improved, and here I am sitting here by myself with Moo-Moo snoring away in the chair at some ungodly hour for many, 12.55am, but I couldn't be any happier.

L Geoff. x

[Bridge]

hi GA

I trying to think of what to say, and my feelings on the subject is 'yay!'.  

which is odd, given the circmstances!

I get the feeling from your writing that a big cloud has cleared and you are feeling lighter and more in control.  And this is a good thing, no matter what situation brings it about.

Again, well done GA!  I think that without other peoples well intentioned but (hopelessly) misguided help, you will, given time, sort all this mess out quite nicely.  Isnt it odd where you find, and what brings you, strength?!

this is not the time or place to write of it, but your relationship with your husband has many elements of my and my mothers relationship-she doesnt know how to support, she either controls you, or is controlled by you.  so is quite enlightening reading your post.  Ill tell you about it one day if you like.

Big Hug.

Well Done!

Bridge

[Mares73]

Dear GA I'm glad my post above got through. I so wish I could be with you in person & take care of you. I know you are going through so much & the sessions with your psych would be very distressing & affecting you in so many ways. Can I ask-and you'd don't have to answer this if you don't want to-but somewhere along the way I've missed what's led you to leave your husband? Because I can't recall you ever talking about problems between you? Did something happen or is this all related to the bigger picture of what your dealing with. I woke up first thing this morning and was thinking of you. I respect the rules of this forum but times like this it frustrates me that I can't contact you even to phone you & talk & do whatever you needed to support you. This is one of those times where I feel so pent up & helpless that I can't do more than leave you messages on a computer or in my case a phone. So I'm with you in spirit, my heart is also with you this morning & I send all my love & hugs. I'd do anything for you if it was permitted. Hope to hear how you are today & where your thoughts are at. All my love, Mares xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi guys, 

Moved in with my friend today, then back in hospital for night time. My cinderella hour! 

I know I'll get used to it but theres still tears today and I needed a hug and time to cry in fits. My friend and her family were there for me though and so good about taking me in, not to mention a welcome distraction. I have unpacked my stuff, settled my cats at the house. I feel almost like a bad motner for abandoning them by not sleeping there tonight but I still need the support of the hospital at the moment.baby steps, right? 

Anxiety is through the roof  today, like never before. I am generally moreon the depressive end of the scale,  so tbis isa new challenge for me to deal with. The energy drinks didnt help the anxiety but got me through the day, so if all I develop is an energy drink habit, I'll count myself lucky. 

Mares, I dont know if I did detail what happened on here, it all sort of happened in a blur of emotions, but basically his version of support was control, and the tough love approach from months ago was not an approach but his real thoughts on my mental health. So the straw that broke the camels back was him making me return some books on depression which helped me immensely more than what the money was allocated for. 

Yes I shouldnt have spent the money but he shouldnt have reacted the way he did. I asked for a trial separation and he said all or nothing. So I said nothing. And here I am, divorced and no longer living with him. 

By the way I returned the gift voucher and got the books back today. 

Hope you are travelling well, 

GA

[Guest_3712]

Hi GA,

You poor soul. I really feel for you. How incredibly strong you are to make some massive life decisions when you are feeling so low.

You do realize this don't you GA. You could have stayed where you were and put up with the abuse, ( and it was a type of abuse) but you chose no. Look at it like pulling a tooth, the initial act itself hurt like hell and now the pain continues but will gradually abate.

You have the support of your friends who sound amazing and the hospital. Not to mention all your friends here on BB.

thinking of you and please GA

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I am thinking of you and hope you can find some peace in your life.  You have really struggled for a long time and I feel for you.  But like Stressless says you have the support of your amazing friends and the hospital. And don't forget us!! We are all here for you to help you with your journey.

And I agree with Stressless - you are strong, you may not see it just yet but you have inspired me to keep going because I have seen just how strong you have been in the past 6 months. Amazing.

I am thinking of you and sending you a big warm hug

Jo xx