recently lost my job and I find myself getting into this rabbit hole

[RudderlessBoat]

HI
MY SITUATION NOW -

I am from Canberra. I have a family, and I am 54 years old. I have been in the IT sector for approximately 35 years. In the last 8 years working in the public sector, I have been terminated 4 - 5 times. Most of them were due to certain budget issues. The last one, my department said it is a performance issue. I tried to follow up, but everyone around me says it's futile.

So what now?
I am looking for a job every day, and it is making me depressed. At times, I would sit in front of the monitor, thinking everything was pointless. I take medication for my depression. It is hard to get out of this hole.
As I am looking for work, I am also upskilling myself. It is hard to focus too.
I have this feeling that it is so difficult to explain. Actually, I feel mentally exhausted. My survival is like fighting against all odds and times myself at the wrong end of a stick. Even writing this takes a huge toll on me.
I was diagnosed with Vit B12 deficiency, which makes the depression worse.
I am a migrant, and at the moment, I have very few friends in Canberra. I need help, but I don't know how.
I used to love listening to music, but I find it hard to put on any music now. I used to play console games, but now I hardly touch my console.
Sorry about the way I am writing it here; there is no structure. I am just putting whatever comes to my mind.
I do not know what is happening to me. I wasn't like this before. I used to be quite optimistic, full of life. I did not know how I changed. At times, it is so hard to put on a mask of everything is good. It is another effort.
Being a Hindu, sometimes I leave everything to my fate, which is kinda our belief. But at times, it is not enough. A few years back, I used to visit a mental health professional; honestly, it used to be like a band-aid. I used to visit the clinic and tell them what I felt. Come home, feel good and then back to square one.

[Croix]

Dear Rudderlessboat!

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum, a place where many have found problems with getting a job. It must be most frustrating to keep on being put off for budget reasons, and worse there here is a so called 'performance issue' Frankly I'd take that last one as being a lie of convenience as there is no evidence of this.

Being put of so often has another result -apart from finances - it unsettles a person and does not motivate them to take on long term worthwhile projects as it is likely they will have to stop.

Now you are on that horrible meri-go-round of job-seeking. While you may have some advantage in a lot of IT is done remotely, so can be based anywhere, applications are a rather soul destroying process. You write expressions of interest, and either get a polite rejection -or worse, nothing back at all. It makes one doubt one;s worth.

it is very easy for this to take over one's whole life, leavng one depressed and feeling hopeless all day every day, very bad for you and not a true reflection of your worth.

Can I suggest you divide your life into to parts, with matters relating to jobs done during part of the day, say  every morning, and the rest of the day doing things that you enjoy doing. I've no idea what that might be, sport, reading, movies, visiting friends, volunteering, a whole host of possibilities.

The main thing is to make it regular, perhaps stop work at midday and do not do anything related to jobs until the next day. It helps to stop that very unpleasant situation taking over your life and gives you other rewarding interests

I did mention volunteering because firstly the people in it tend to be nicer, and often it can lead ot a paid job.

I'd also suggest you try to increase your social life, not easy with few friends, but possible.

If you would like to come back and talk some more that would be great

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi RudderlessBoat

I’m really sorry that you have lost your job and that you are experiencing depression. I can only imagine how challenging the situation is for you.

I understand that you need employment but I think it’s equally—perhaps more—important for you to seek help for your mental health. It will be much easier to seek and keep employment if you are feeling well.

In my opinion, it might help if you could take a short break from paid employment to think about your next career move and work on your mental health. Just give yourself time and space to breathe. Is that possible?

In any event, the way to seek help is to start by visiting your GP to talk about your situation. Book a double appointment so you have enough time to talk.

Your GP could then prepare a Mental Health Care Plan and recommend the best type of MH professional to assist you and the best type of treatment plan.

You may like to discuss the possible role of medication in your treatment. Many people take medication and it can really help. Something to think about (I’m guessing from your post that you have not tried medication in the past.)
Beyond Blue has published a booklet which examines the effectiveness of some 50 types of different treatments for depression and I highly recommend it to you. It is found on their website.

I’m hoping that your family can provide you with support, but please know that you are not alone. This community will always be here for you. 

Kind thoughts to you

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome...

I’m really sorry you’re carrying so much right now. What you describe sounds less like weakness and more like exhaustion after years of uncertainty, health challenges, and isolation.

For what it’s worth, I’ve worked in IT myself since the early 90s, and for mental health reasons I’ve also had to step away at times. It can be incredibly hard when your capacity changes but the pressures don’t. I hope I’m not overstepping (and I say this as someone with religious faith too) but professional support can sometimes make a real difference. And from what I read, the IT job market is tough at the moment as well.

Please be gentle with yourself. Depression, B12 deficiency, and the stress of ongoing job searching can heavily affect energy, focus, and even the ability to enjoy things you once loved.

One small step at a time is enough right now. Listening ...

[therising]

Hi RudderlessBoat

My heart goes out to you so much as you face and feel so many different emotions. Sometimes I don't think we realise exactly what it is we're feeling until coming to deeply feel all the different elements of life we can be experiencing. 

While we can feel ourself perhaps becoming more sensitive, the question becomes 'What am I sensing, in the way of emotion?'. For example, we could say 'I'm upset by the lack of meaningful relationships in my life', 'upset' may not truly define the exact feeling. A 'heart breaking lack' or 'soul destroying lack' could be more accurate. While we could say 'I have zero energy', it may be more accurate to say 'I have what feels like a serious debilitating lack of energy' or 'a depressing lack of energy'. A lot can start to make more sense when emotions or feelings are better defined. It can be a matter of 'No wonder I feel depressed. It makes complete sense'. When things begin to make complete sense, it's then we can realise just how hard we're being on ourself under the circumstances or even under naturally depressing circumstances that we're doing our best to manage through. How well we manage definitely comes down to resources.

As far as mental, physical and even soulful resources go, it's not always easy to see what's missing. 

1. Mentally, what's missing could be the types of people in our life who can help us make better sense of things (including our suffering), the types of people who can lead us to see the way forward when we just can't see it, the types of education/teachers that are going to encourage different perspectives etc
2. Physically, what's missing could be the right chemistry. Are daily B12 supplements enough or is there a need for a B12 injection every few months (a major B12 energy booster)? Personally, I receive injections. Could it be significant levels of dopamine that are missing? Can that be supplemented either chemically (from a med) or naturally in some way? Are we getting all the right chemistry from really good quality sleep or is there some deficiency there that we're not aware of? etc
3. In a soulful sense, what's missing could involve the kind of inspiration we can actually feel. This doesn't involve a basic or even moderate amount of inspiration, it's the kind that sends a surge through you. How many inspirational people do we really have in our life? Are our beliefs inspirational? Mainstream spirituality owes a lot to the inspiring philosophies and practices of Hinduism. Could it pay to go deeper into the philosophies of Hinduism or even some of the practices, such as yoga? Is the current line of work we're doing or looking into inspiring in any way or are we feeling the call to completely change course?

[luke_c]

There's your problem, you're working for the government, governments are flaky and unreliable, its not a secure job like it was in the old days, you're better finding a job in the private sector, the council etc I don't know much about IT jobs but I'm sure there's smaller tech companies in Canberra, even working at a computer shop until you get something better, my area is in the trades so can't advise more than that..