Hello- I probably wont sound any different to every other new person that comes on to Beyond Blue, but I will share my little bit as well... I am a young mother & wife. Yesterday, I was diagnosed with high to extreme depression & high stress levels. Ive known for years about my depression (well before my children) but I thought it would go away. I am an adolescent victim of sexual & physical abuse. I "fixed" it by suppressing as many bad memories as I possibly could. But, in each year that I get older, I find myself more withdrawn, negative & generally unwell. Ive had my fair share of mental breakdowns in the last few months; unexplained crying, paranoia, angry outbursts, unable to sleep-yet extremely tired, irritable etc But a few recent turn of events pushed me to finally see a GP yesterday & finally get the help that I know I need!! On the 8th of this month, a family member of mine comitted suicide. While we didnt have a relationship as such, his choice stuck in my mind. It really got me thinking... not that I wanted to harm myself but about all those times when ive just wanted to be "gone". I sat with my husband & I asked him in all seriousness 'Is there something wrong with me?' He couldnt answer me with a straight yes or no, instead, he could only give me examples of my behaviour & our conversations (aka my rants) & left me to make up my own mind. I cried & cried listening to just how much & how often I made him & our children feel worthless. I began recalling situations with them all where I knew I upset them & I couldnt explain why I did? Or how my words were someone elses fault. Full of self hatred & confusion, I did what so many of us do & I started googling. I was led to many different questionaires to check for different mental health issues. EVERYTHING kept telling me I have bipolar. This seriously scares the hell out of me as there is history of manic depression on one side of the family & schizophrenia & bipolar on the other. Monday, I woke up & lived out my day in denial like I did for sooo many years-nope-nothing is wrong, im "normal" im just doing my usual, over thinking things... then I woke up in tears yesterday uncontrollably. My husband & babies standing there speechless- watching me sob - with No explanation- I knew I had to do something about this Now! It was really hard to confront this illness after concealing it for years, but I am determined to conquer it & get better to be the very Best wife & Mum I can be!!
beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
