Reading through these posts makes me feel like a failure

[lightofday]

Sometimes ( most of the time ) reading through these posts makes me feel like even more of a failure. Many of you have, (or had) partners and kids, something I haven't experienced for a long time (partner) or at all (kids). And everyone seems to get their life back on track after not too long. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, not even here. Nobody truly knows my loneliness.

[dougall]

Hi lightofday I know what you mean about reading through the posts and thinking why am I complaining.  The people who have the support of their family are very lucky but so many do not.  I can only talk for myself I have not got my life on track, not even halfway there, everyday is a challenge and I also know the feeling of thinking no one would miss me so why am I bothering.  Guess what I would miss you and you would miss me so you do belong, you belong and are wanted by the beyond blue community, especially me.  You are keeping me going by replying so please keep doing that.  All of us suffer loneliness even the people who do not have a mental illness.

[lightofday]

Hi Dougall

Thanks for replying.

Yes, I have read through posts thinking why am I complaining, but that's not what I was talking about earlier. I'm talking about looking at posts from others, thinking I can't relate to them because they have partners and kids and I have neither of those things and I feel like a massive failure in life because of it. I don't know how to get past that.

 You say you do not have your life on track but you seem to be making loads of progress - halloween party etc. You sound so much better and happier than when we both first started posting here. I'm still a failure, stuck in the same spot.

I have wasted yet another beautiful day here by sitting inside. Ok, not entirely true, I managed to do a few things that I've been putting off. I also made a shortlist of therapists I'd like to meet with to see if I can connect with any of them and start getting some help. I'm not sure it will work, or when or how I will start, so I have to try. I appreciate all the support you are giving me (I think I scared all the others off - I'm not surprised) and I hope I have the courage to start trying out some of these therapists. Life's short, I'm young (well not that young) and I have to fix this before I miss out on everything. I'm sick of feeling like this and I want it to change so badly.

[lightofday]

Sorry, I just saw your other posts. You have plenty to deal with. Don't worry about me.

[HA1]

Hello Lightofday!

Please don't think that you have 'scared' anyone away from your posts.  I have been following you on the other thread.  

Anyway, I am glad that you appear determined to see a therapist. I hope you do and that you will find it a positive experience - sometimes they can be a bit touch and go. It might take a few attempts to find one that you can connect with.  

You say that you feel like a failure because you don't have what many others seem to have (i.e. partner and children).  I would not view that as a failure, but then that is me.  I can understand if you feel that you can't relate to others here with children or partners.  However, you share something with everyone else on here, a common denominator, the reason why I, you and others are here.  We all have some form of mental illness that we need to talk about with those that we know will understand.  Often because our families do not understand, or we don't want to burden our friends, families, or children with this illness and the whole experience of how we feel.  In my case, I feel a lot of guilt that I have this illness that does not allow me to be 'myself' (whatever that might mean).

Regards

K

[lightofday]

Thanks Hideaway. I feel like it's because I'm not as helpful or giving as the rest of you yet, which again makes me feel like a horrible person. Truth is I'm in no position to offer constructive feedback and would probably end up saying the wrong thing anyway - I always do.

Yes I came across a therapist page by chance - I have a shortlist of way too many (about 20)  - will go and reread their profiles to try to narrow it down further, then try a couple of first appointments. I'll just pay of them as non referred - I don't want my doc to write up a MHCP until I find the one I want to go to.

I was feeling a bit better having been slightly productive today.  Just as I was getting ready for bed hours ago, I received a phone call which changed all that... and here I am, awake again, after midnight. No sleep again.

[HA1]

Hi Lightofday

I'm glad you saw my reply.  Again, please do not feel guilty about what you say or don't say on this forum.  Everyone understands that most on here go through ups and downs.  When I am on a downer, I don't post for a few days, or simply reply with one-liners.  When I am feeling 'manic', I will send out a lot of posts.  When I am well I send out a few.  For some who join, it will take a while before gaining the confidence to post regularly. We are all different.

It is sometimes easier to join a thread started by others.  For example our friend Dougall has a thread titled  'what am I doing', hopefully you can join the discussion there. 

Anyway Lightofday, you are not alone here, I and others always follow your threads.

Hopefully you will have a good sleep tonight.

K

[geoff]

dear Lightofday, at the moment can I say 'hold your horses', 'pull the reins in on me', or probably the best 'you can't see the forest for the trees', but this doesn't mean that I don't understand what you are saying because I do.

Whatever you may want to contribute to any post is neither right nor wrong, because everyone has travelled their own journey, they can be similar, but they can never be identical because everyone has different circumstances, and what you, me or anyone else has to reply back to then these people can accept what we say, take it on board, or disagree, non of this matters 'one cahoot', they are all different view points, and what I am saying here is something which you agree with or you don't.

I see your comment 'don't worry about me', no way, you are just as important as the next person, and this is what anyone with depression says, OK point taken but we won't accept that, so there are 'trees in the forest' and your one of them.

Now can I mention that yes people do make progress but they also started exactly where you are now, but because they have had this one step in front of you doesn't mean that you won't get there.

I started out with a long period of depression and lost a great deal along the way, all of which I never thought would happen, and now I have overcome depression this doesn't mean that I won't fall backwards, and I have I've had relapses, and I will never be free from this illness.

By people having a marriage and/or children doesn't put make these people the ideal life to have, there is no perfect lifestyle, sure we may wish for this or that, but there's no guarantee it will end up being the ideal lifestyle, there can never promise it will be.

So all it boils down to is that your replies are neither right or wrong, it's your opinion and that's what counts. Geoff.

[dougall]

Hi Lightofday I am about to get ready for the day so I will type a longer post in about an hour.  Everyone belongs and I am glad you are on this forum.  Talk to you soon.

[dougall]

Hi lightofday I am back only took half an hour.  You do what a lot of us do, well I do.  You say sorry.  I used to say sorry if I said something I thought upset someone, I said sorry if it was not my fault, I said sorry for not being able to help, I said sorry for so many things even breathing.  I did tend to say sorry because I thought that is what I should say.  Since being away from my ex I have stopped apologizing for everything because when I have come out of the situation I have realised that everything could not have possibly been my fault.  It is only when we can stand back from a situation we can see it clearly, sometimes that is extremely hard, it takes practice.  As far as you not knowing what to say on here I am the same.  With the people I do talk to I ask how there day is going just to let them know I am in their life and taking notice of what they are saying on here,others I find distress me and make me cry but I still say hello and hope someone can help them on this site.  People aren't usually looking for answers just a place to feel safe and be able to talk about how they are feeling.  It takes a lot to admit you are afraid.  We all have different life experiences and sometimes we can talk about it other times we cannot.  You mention you are reading about the therapists, is there anyone who can recommend one, maybe your doctor.  I have found the only way I can connect is to see them without knowing about them. I am one of those people who can pick up on a person when I first meet them, that is why I don't go to my doctor unless I really need to.  Where I am you are limited with doctors, small town.  I have not met a doctor yet I have felt comfortable with, the one I have now makes me feel more ill than I am, he has a permanent worried look on his face ha ha.  Anytime you want to chat I will listen, others are also listening and like you might not know what to say.  Take care.