Please read. I just need someone to listen to me.

[Saber01]

I've been suffering from depression for i think a year and a half. The peak happened at the beginning of this year but I'm gradually getting better. I even think I'm almost healed up now from depression. However, I started looking through at my old messages with some of my close friends and I can tell how my I have changed. I used to be so carefree and joke about everything, and was very close with my best friends. Now I really struggle with showing affection to my close friends. It's like I'm trying to control my emotions all the time. I just want to get back to that old self. She was secure about her friendship and have no problems saying I love you to her friends. The me now feel anxiety from messaging people I care about holiday greetings or birthday greetings. It's like I don't even deserve to greet them. It's like the only time I'm myself is when I'm drinking alcohol. I don't want to be addicted, but its only when I had alcohol I have the confidence to be honest to everyone. I just really want to be my old self back. The self that I used to love.

[blondguy]

Hello Saber01

Welcome and I hope you have a happy new year year too! I understand as I used to have bad anxiety that was followed by depression and it can be dark place to be in for sure Saber

Just so we can provide you with better quality support......Can I ask if or when you have been diagnosed with depression by your GP or a health professional?

We are here for you Saber...and are good listeners too 🙂

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post. Your privacy and well being is paramount to Beyond Blue. I really hope you can post back if and when you wish!

my kind thoughts

Paul

[White_Rose]

Dear Saber

Welcome to the forum and I wish you a happy new year which sees you in better health than 2018.

Depression is the pits as we all know. You say you think you have depression. Does that mean you have not had a formal diagnosis? When depression lasts this length of time it is wise to get a medical confirmation. See your GP and have a chat. It would be useful if you took the messages you were sending prior to your depression to either show your GP or to talk about them. Either is fine.

If you are struggling to control your emotions then I suggest you talk to your GP as above. Have you confided in any of your friends or has anyone made a comment about you changing? Friends do notice when we are unwell though they may not be sure how to open the conversation. Perhaps you can ask someone you feel safe with.

I don't know if this applies to you but I know when I am struggling to keep my emotions in check I get very cranky. It's the frustration of not being able to let go or possibly the worry of what others will say. These factors play a large part in out lives and in the journey to healing. Being able to tell a friend you love them is such a gift. Yet at times it is so hard to do especially when our self confidence has gone down the tubes.

You don't say if you are working or still at school/uni. May I ask please. I would like to suggest some places you can contact to give you a lift at this time.

I will not say more at this time. If you would to carry on talking, as Paul says, we are good listeners and would love to give you some support.

Mary

[RoseToez]

I've been there with the alcohol being the only way you feel confident to express yourself. I think it's sort've a self journey when you realise you don't like the person you are or how you express yourself to others. I went through 2 manic episodes.. It destroyed my personality.. and i lost all my close friends in the process.. I even lost my love for art. I used to ponder on those messages to old friends, how open and proud I was.. how I had so much love around me and no it was gone.. I think when I had my kids after this had all happened that it really clicked to me that times change in general and whether I'm not the way I used to be I can't beat myself up for the way I am now. I'm still not very social but I've gradually gotten to be better as times passed and the hurt has passed that life isn't like how it used to be

[Saber01]

Thank you Paul, Mary and RoseToez for reading my post. I replied late because I completely forgot about it. I'm a university student and was supposed to graduate at the end of last year, but I changed my degree so I still have this year to go. I was never diagnosed with depression by a professional. I just knew I've changed and hadn't felt the same for a long time. I had very low self esteem, and was constantly feeling worthless and hopeless. I didn't think it was depression at first, but when I had my first anxiety attack at the beginning of last year, and when I had to move away to university and I would cry myself to sleep every night, then I knew I was unwell with my mental health.

My university offers free counseling and I tried to book a session for myself. However, I wasn't able to attend because something would always come up. I was able to get through that year by watching a lot of psychology videos on youtube, and also because I was kept busy with my studies. It's only when I'm finally alone that I would feel that hopelessness and unbearable sadness. That year, my friendship with my two best friends suffered, as I barely talked to them. The two of them live far away from me so our only way of communication is through messages. I still had friends at university though I wasn't that close to them. I needed my two best friends but at the same time I felt like I failed them as a friend and always felt anxiety about messaging them. We caught up last year and they told me that they noticed that I have changed. I told them the truth that I think I have depression and they've been very understanding. We have a group chat and they would message the group chat all the time, even though I never reply. They live far away but they still tried to check up on me.

Now though I feel so much better. I have 3 months off uni, and I've been trying to get myself sorted out. I've set up a routine for myself. I started going to the gym every morning, doing the house chores at home, cooking dinner for my family at night and doing some self study when I can. I started looking at volunteering opportunities so that I can be more productive during this break. I am also planning to get a part time work when I go back to university this year.The reason of this sudden improvement is because my best friend just visited me personally. She still liked me even though I hated myself so much, and this just reminded me that i don't need to be perfect to be loved.

[geoff]

Hello Saber, I'm a little behind in replying to you, so I apologise.

I'll try not to go over what has already been said and made a couple of other points which may help you.

It's terrific you feel better and doing all you have mentioned to fill your day in, however, it might be helpful to google 'K-10 test' this will test you to see what your depression is if you still have it, but even so it's worthwhile doing it.

Try and do it several times but not straight after another, different times and different days, and I say this because your best friend has visited you which is great, but I'm just wondering how you are, if and/or when she leaves.

Being unhappy isn’t the same as being depressed because this illness involves a great deal more than being sad for a day or two and this is where people consume alcohol, including myself and, unfortunately, we keep drinking because it makes us feel numb and makes us have a different type of confidence, but that doesn't last if you keep drinking.

Can I ask if you have thought about seeing your doctor taking the K-10 results with you, and if so they may be able to prescribe medication which will level out how you are feeling?

You're right when you say ' don't need to be perfect to be loved', and it’s not about being perfect, but about doing, giving, and sharing all that you are with the world.

best wishes.

Geoff.