How to move on, to deal with procrastination, rumination and reconciliation

[Alexander_Horse]

Hi all

I posted sometimes last year when I was in a really bad way, although my threads have disappeared, archived maybe.

It helped and I thank those who supported me. My family especially has stuck by me although I have been very toxic to be around and I need to reconcile with them.

I'm far from well but a lot better than what I was. I came off meds in July. I found they fogged me up. I'm not in therapy anymore. The shrinks thought I was well enough to carry on. I tend to agree but there is a lot of wreckage.

The problem I'm encountering is massive procrastination and rumination. I've basically been sitting tight for more than a year.

That was necessary to begin with, when my anxiety levels were off the chart and I was at risk. But those have subsided to a point where I don't have physical symptoms.

I've got comfortable sitting tight, kind of accept my situation but really need to get back on my feet.

Any advice on how to do this? I mean from people who have been there. I know I can find stuff online about this.

I have a backlog of stuff to do which sometimes seems overwhelming, so I don't do it. I fear a relapse but we're moving house so I have to get moving, literally.

Does this make any sense? What is the next step please?

[Birdy77]

Dear Horse (without checking back, I think that was your nickname back then?),

Just want you to know your post makes absolute sense.

I feel in a similar situation, I feel like I've been sitting tight for 2 years now ... at the start it was necessary, but now ... I just feel stuck.

I am trying to push forward, and am making tiny (tiiiiny) headway, by taking absolute baby steps.

Like you, I have a backlog, things that "should" have been done 12 months ago, and there is no good reason they haven't been achieved, except for the fact that I'm stuck in mud.

What I am trying to learn is, that that is actually a valid reason in itself.

I am trying to learn to drop the storyline/judgement around what is going on in my head/heart ... and just let it be, and give myself permission around it.

Does that make sense?

I don't want to sound airy fairy because I know you want practical stuff from those who get it.

But I am finding that this is really helping me.

For me to accept that it's okay for me to have been stuck ... sort of gives me permission and then I feel less stuck??

You've been through a lot yourself, and then with parental illness and other things, now moving house ... so much going on when you're still sort of recovering ...

I dunno, can you try give yourself permission to be stuck, to be not firing on all cylinders, and just pare it back to basics of what you need to do next.

One thing at a time?

I don't know if I'm being helpful, I just really get what you're saying.

Nice to see you back 😊

🌻birdy

[Alexander_Horse]

Hi Birdy,

I remember you from last year 🙂

Thanks for your helpful post. Accept yourself and make small steps sounds like good advice, but easier said than done as you know.

I was just talking to my wife on the phone and she is very bruised. But I tried not to say anything negative, small steps. We are still together but spending more time apart. It has been very intense with her. She thanked me for giving her space.

My Mum passed away in September. She was very brave throughout her illness. I miss her.

[Birdy77]

Dear Horsey,

I am sorry to hear of your Mum's passing, I know the whole thing was very emotional for you. It's inspiring to hear of her bravery throughout her ordeal. It must be strange not to have her around, it's still very fresh.

I hope you and your wife can gently navigate this path together. With gentleness I think it's a possibility.

Keep in mind you are still grieving (re: What you "should" be doing, how much you "should" be getting done).

How about not shoulding on yourself?

I guess what I'm referring to us the concept of surrender.

Yes, very much easier said than done.

But there's no harm in trying your best at it ... no harm in giving yourself the leeway that you need to inch forward.

That's the way I'm trying to look at it for myself anyway.

Some days it works better than others.

🌻birdy

[Alexander_Horse]

Thanks Birdy. Your posts really helped before and they do now.

My old thread got deleted in the crash. Probably for the best. I told Croix about this one.

Croix asked after Sheba the wonder fox terrier. She is still smiling like crazy in a doggy way. So full of life.

I don't like the expression about dogs as therapy but she is still totally on my side.

Yes gentle with the missus. She has been through a lot and stood by me.

[Guest8901]

Hey Horsey, welcome back! I remember you from early this year, I think it was. We had some good conversations back then. So sorry to hear of the passing of your Mum only a couple of months ago. Of course you miss her. It sounds like you are generally coping well, despite all thats happened. And you've weaned off the meds which is no mean feat. So glad to hear that little Sheba is still doing what she does so well. Not much to say for now, but when I spotted this new thread I wanted to post, so I wouldnt lose track of you.

Good to hear from you after what must be 10 months or so. I had wondered about how you were getting along.

Amanda

[Alexander_Horse]

Hi Amanda

So nice of you to reply. I saw your old posts and wondered how you were getting on. So how are you getting on?

No bed of roses here but coping better, slowly.

I was glad I was well enough to spend time with Mum before she died but I also stayed away a lot too if I thought I would be a downer.

Mum understood. She was blowing me kisses and mouthing I love you when people weren't looking just before she died. So brave. I won't forget that. She always called me her darling boy.

Horse

[Birdy77]

Dear Horse,

What special memories for you to hold of your dear Mum and her special love for her darling boy - what a true treasure that you can open and revisit in your mind whenever you need or want. Reminds me if some lines from How Green was my Valley by Richard Llewellyn:

"... come to think of it, there is no fence or hedge round Time that has gone. You can go back and have what you like if you remember it well enough."

Also ...

"But you have gone now, all of you that were so beautiful when you were quick with life. Yet not gone, for you are still a living truth inside my mind."

It really is so good that you have Sheba the wonder dog with her winning smile ... they have such a special way of bringing us back to the present moment when our minds are not treating us well and are trying to entice us down unhelpful rabbit-warrens of thinking ...

They remind us of where we are ("here") and what time it is ("now"). The purity and wisdom of the most spiritual beings in the form of our very best furry friends.

I'm glad your old thread has reappeared, I think it's a really helpful one for readers, so full of hope and sensible counsel.

And my personal opinion is that Croix is a magical walrus of awesomeness.

🌻birdy

P.S. are you being gentle with yourself? Are you taking things slowly, one thing at a time?

[Alexander_Horse]

Hi Birdy

Belated thanks for this reply. Lovely quotes.