I work a very demanding job, and I have spent the last few months counting down the days until my annual leave. I was feeling exhausted and I wanted to have a "stay-cation" at home, complete gardening projects and relax. It has been far from relaxing. I work a demanding job, but it is no-where near as demanding as spending time alone with this brain. I am staving off depression, again, for the umpteenth time. A big part of this has been reflecting on the 'celebratory' period, Christmas, etc. Christmas is supposed to be about connection, and I came face to face with how disconnected I feel. The truth is, many of my relationships are points of escape from being alone. Particularly my romantic relationship, which is often times abusive (I am on the recieving end). But the vile things he says about me are nothing compared to the vile things I say about myself. Although, I have spent the last 6 months dedicating one- two days a week to therapy, I never mention it to anyone. I don't talk about the medication I am on and how it is making me sweat waterfalls in the summer. This mental illess is a big chunk of myself, my personal history, my hopes for the future and it is just absent from my relationships for the most part, because nobody likes a Borderline. We are supposed to be evil, crazy, manipulative, selfish, self-destructive, moody, annoying. I try to suppress the Borderline so much in my relationships, and I would never, ever share the diagnosis, ever. I haven't even shared it with one of my primary doctors. Anyway, so there are multiple parts to this:- I am afraid to be alone. But, not being alone is playing along with a farce, and also tolerating abuse. So, I did not feel the "spirit of Christmas". I felt more alone than ever, because it's getting harder to tell myself that my friends & partner know me and love me, and that these relationships are meaningful and fulfilling. I tell myself these sweet little stories all the time, but they are not the full picture- just like I am not the full picture to most people around me. But, the truth is, I have this illness, and I have a trauma history of sexual abuse. And every day is a battle. I just wanted another human being to hear the truth for once.
