Only me!

[Sarthom]

After a short battle, with short i mean 2yrs, with depression and finally feeling on top of things, I was beginning to function as a human being, basically I was feeling good! I went back to my GP for a medication review where we decided to reduce the dose, which I was ecstatic about. I was invincible nothing was going to stop me now..... Well that's what I thought! 3 weeks in and I was hit with a ten tonne truck and driven into the ground and couldn't tolerate or function in daily schedules. The tears turned on and I couldn't turn them off I knew something wasn't right. To make matters worse I began having a reality check and felt like failure all over again. I couldn't be happy without medication. What sort of person was I if I couldn't be happy or function with out medication. Along with this feelings it also bought feelings of anger and frustration. To tell you the truth I was p*%#*# off!

i wanted to scream out the anger but didn't know what to scream I knew I was angry but also knew not many would understand my despair. So I continued to disintegrate to a point where I wanted to lock myself away as I knew I couldn't cope with dealing with others. I felt sick, dizzy heavy headed to name a few oh and on the verge of tears when ever anyone wanted to speak with me. Back to the GP I went as I knew he would put me on the right track. 

After my visit and a long reassuring chat, I couldn't shake the numbness I felt once again I didn't know whether it was because I wasn't in control or the reality of possibly being medicated for the rest of my life! The tears continued too flow much to my disgust, my eyes were puffy and I look like shift to put it mildly! How many more times can I keep fighting this? I'm scared there is going to come a time when I say enough is enough, where I haven't got the strength to fight anymore. I saw a tree on the side of a tree the other day in a way I haven't done for at least 18 months.

All in all my journey continues and I continue to fight the black dog, for now I am being patient and hoping the medication takes this new found pain and numbness away. Hopefully then I can deal rationally with my thoughts and deal with the future in a different light. I am trying to be positive but its taking all my energy at this point of time.

yours truly frustrated

[geoff]

dear Sarthom, boy, I know the feeling if I haven't taken my antidepressant after 2 days, I become the same way as you have when not taking them.

If I don't have a script my pharmacist gives me enough until I see my doctor just to get me through, he knows what it's like for someone not having any pills left, that's why he's a pharmacist, he's trained in this field. 

I will be taking them for the rest of my life, because at the moment there is no sign that I would be able to stop them, and being an empathic type person the tears would just flow.

I'm sure that I have had about 9 lives maybe more as I can count them one by one, from swallowing my tongue while playing rugby and the list goes on.

Antidepressants aren't addictive, so there's no reason why I can't take them, I know that I would be a mess just like you were, which brings me to a point, does your doctor really know if you can stop taking them, only because we could be putting on our 'fake' face on when we see them, giving him the opinion that you can stop taking them.

I believe that it's really up to the person themselves who know that they will be OK, but this can be confused, as the medication is making us feel better, so the only way to find out is to do what you have done, and you will know within a couple of days.

I really hope that by taking them again will improve your depression, but please be careful if and when you want to stop them again. Geoff.

[S_A_D_]

Do you worry you will  get the feeling you are being  hit by a 10 tonne truck again? Fore example  if you reach another time you feel ready to try stopthe medication?