I have been battling depression with little success for
about 5 years. (When I lost my last full time job).
Since then I have been hired a few times but only lasted a
matter of days and either walked off the job or had what I think are anxiety
(or anger related) attacks which have landed me in bad situations.
Through all this I have been in hospital a few times and
mental wards about 5 times now.
I cannot seem to stay positive about anything for more than
a week or so and ponder suicide nearly every second day.
I have thought about my future which seems grim. I have no
job, no friends, no brothers or sisters and the rest of the family is ageing. I
will be truly alone sooner or later. The only future I can see for myself is
some unemployed bum who lives on the streets because his family is gone and he
knows no one else and cant land a job.
I thought id try something else so I have enrolled in study
and am in my second week. It is not going as well as I thought it would. I have
already had multiple arguments with teachers. I have already missed three
classes and am getting letters from my lecturers about this. As soon as I get panicked
by this all I can think about is running away, killing myself etc.
Then I think of the other side of things and try to cheer
myself up.. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt… WHAT if I do get a job.
A nine to five job in some office doing something I hate for the rest of my
life. This sounds even more depressing than the alternative.
I really don’t know what to do, because every alternative
seems just as depressing to me.
