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Nothing left to give

LC80
Community Member

Recently a divorced family member passed away leaving three children behind. I am estranged from my family so I could not attend the funeral. The person who passed was treated very shabbily by me when they were growing up, and in a time of need I turned them away. I am partly responsible for the situation they found themselves in and I feel partly to blame for the death. To receive a message that it should have been me in the coffin weighs very heavily on my shoulders. I'll carry that thought for the rest of my days. In recent years I have been doing a fair amount of volunteer work. With the weight of that plus the recent family death at the age of nearly 68 years old, and with my own chronic health conditions I feel as though I have nothing left to give. Any future I have looks very dark. 

3 Replies 3

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear LC80~

Welcome back. Frankly if you were the sort of person that did not acknowledge mistakes they had made I'd not bother to answer (in fact I doubt you would have been writing here anyway:)

 

However htat's 's not the case, and in fact I have a suspicion that your spine problem and all the limitations it entails and your memories together are giving a harder time than you deserve.

 

Granted you did those things, however you did  try to make contact in the past.

 

The fact you are concerned you have nothing to contribute does point to the fact that  contribution is something you are the sort of person -now at least - that does contribute when they can.

 

May I digress and use a ridiculous example? Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol". A lovely story where the main character sees into himself (with some prompting) and  changes, becoming a benevolent influence.

 

You have a wealth of expereince in family relations, yes not from the good side perhaps, but that is useful. It can help you talk to those that need to see it from that side to improve.

 

You have been doing voluntary work - despite your physical condition - is that not useful?

 

Life means change, and while at the moment you look back wiht regret, in the future you may look at a more recent episode wiht pride or contentment.

 

Don't give up, even if it is only in little things be the influence and person you want to be.

 

(End of lecture:)

 

Croix

 

Croix,

         I am thankful and grateful for your kindness and supportive words. I have achieved some good things in my life, and that's not a self pat on the back. As I get older and those things fade into the past, they become totally insignificant in my estranged families eyes, because I was someone else years ago and someone to be despised. Someone who had significant mental health issues, that led me to the very edge of taking my own life on two occasions. I sought professional help, and over a few years I began to see a different person in the mirror. I will never be a "good" person, but I try to be with with varying degrees of success. I have found out that good friends can be "family".  I will always carry the regret of not being a good father, one who was more interested in being "someone" throughout my working career than I was at home. It has cost me a lot, but I have gained some insights about me. It's part of getting older and looking inwards. 

Dear LC80~

For someone who had nothing left to give you are actually doing so right now. People reading your thread may find that even if they have behaved badly in life in the past it does not mean that they are like a tram and just follow the straight rails without change, they have learned, experienced regret, and know the future is up to them.

 

It is also possible to judge oneself too harshly. as you say the good things can take a back seat and undesirable deeds occupy the mind. The trick is to realise if one did a good deed in the past it shows one has the capability to do so again and build a future to be comfortable with.

 

Over the years I've changed and am a nicer person now.

 

Of course you can be a 'good' person, and probably are right now

 

Croix