Loneliness

[Cactus]

I am 50 years old, female living with so dat undiagnosed autism. I have never had any close friends and I live far from family. I suffer from bad depression because of it. It seems to get worse the older I get. 

When I discussed this with my doctor, he  suggested I join clubs to meet more people. Lack of access to people isn’t the problem though, I have been with an animal welfare group for 5 years and didn’t make a single friend, despite going to lots of their social gatherings. I’ve been with a plant society for three and a half years, I’m on their committee and all I have is acquaintances, whom I only see at the monthly meetings. No one wants to catch up outside the meetings. I know lots of people. Problem is it always stays superficial, a deeper connection just never develops. 
I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere, I’ve felt like that my whole life due to this lack of meaningful connection. I feel that because of my autism it’s even worse as I don’t understand the intricacies of social interaction. I can’t really read people and when I do talk to them it never comes naturally, I have to think about it all the time (how much eye contact, volume, when to speak and not interrupt), it’s exhausting. I can do it for a bit but people always seem to dislike me or simply not be interested in me. I go out by myself sometimes because I don’t even have someone to go for a coffee or a meal with. I’m always the only person who is there by themselves and it’s painful to see others talking and laughing together, sharing their thoughts and experiences.

I feel like an alien visiting from another planet. I have lots of plants (hence the plant society) and a pet cat but I so desperately need deeper connection to people. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

[indigo22]

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I'm sorry to hear you feel so lonely and isolated.

Making friends can be difficult, particularly if some of the social skills are a bit lacking. Perhaps those who you have tried to make friends with, don't understand how being on the spectrum affects you. Perhaps you may need to be upfront about it when you are feeling a bit uncomfortable.

I also have never felt like I fit in, but in my case it is because of major depression that began in my early teens but didn't realise that was what I was dealing with. I was not diagnosed until I was in my 40s, at which point it all started to make sense.

I wonder if it might be worth having a look on facebook for events and groups in your area that are supportive of those on the spectrum. This may be a way to build your social skills with people who understand some of the difficulties you deal with.

Let me know what you think.

Take care,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Cactus and wave to indigo,

Cactus, I can really relate to your post. I’m also 50, live alone and I am likely on the spectrum as well with a sort of informal diagnosis from a counsellor in 2016, but I’ve not sought a formal diagnosis. I also struggle with eye contact and knowing how to participate in social conversations, though I’m much more ok one on one than in a group. I’m often on my own in places like coffee shops too. On the one hand I’ve gotten used to it but like you I long for closer connections with people.

Indigo’s suggestion of finding other people on the spectrum is a good one. I did go to two autism-related Meetup groups when I lived in the city. One had some people similar to myself in it but that group folded not long after I joined. The people in the other one had more prominent autism and several had support workers attend with them. I felt slightly like I didn’t belong as I’m not needing a support worker but I did enjoy meeting the other people. I do have a few friends in the city and one of them said to me recently she thinks she’s on the spectrum which meant I felt I could open up about myself. It makes sense as we get along easily. She is a very honest and gentle person which I find so reassuring, honesty often being a strong trait in autism. So I think finding people like yourself could be very helpful. It’s very reassuring when you do find a kindred spirit.

I also related to what you described with the animal welfare group and plant society. I love animals and plants as well and I was a member of a nature-based organisation a few years ago. I was also on their committee. But apart from attending meetings and events I didn’t form ongoing friendships either, as in a friend you’d go out to coffee with. It really can be hard to break into that kind of belonging. I don’t know if you have this, but I also have a degree of face blindness (prosopagnosia) so I can’t remember faces well and sometimes not at all, which makes it hard establishing connections with people. With me there’s a history of complex trauma as well, so that also affects my social confidence and sense of safety with others.

Anyway, I relate so much to what you wrote and want to give you a big hug (if you would like one). Loneliness can be so painful and I’m really feeling it lately myself. I’m wondering have you sought any counselling support? I currently see a psychologist who is really compassionate and has helped me a lot. If you do try counselling I think it’s really important to find someone who is the right fit. My psychologist has been such a kind witness of my experiences and just that alone has been very healing. I’ve started to value myself more and I think this is giving me a bit of confidence to try to connect more with the right people. I feel like if you can find just one supporter, whether that’s a therapist, friend, mentor etc, that’s often the beginning of finding your way into belonging and connection. Also I think good people who can actually see us help us connect with ourselves, if that makes sense. So we can develop a sense of self-belonging that helps us go out into the world with more self-assurance.

Take care and I’m happy to chat further if you would like.

Hugs,

Eagle Ray