Not Waving, Drowning

[MattJ]

Hello.

I've been struggling with depression for far too long, and tried to get professional help earlier this year. 6 months of counselling didn't help, and my coping mechanisms of binge drinking, binge eating and lying to myself and others have stopped working.  On top of this, I though being unfaithful to my wife of 13 years would help, unfortunately, all that's done is end my marriage.

I'm no good at maintaining any relationships, as such I have no friends (and as of 7 hours ago, no wife) to talk to.  It's too difficult to talk to work colleagues about my mental health due to the stigma this attaches to you.

To try something different, I've booked an appointment with my GP tomorrow and will ask advice regarding psychiatric treatment.  Previous therapy has also indicated presence of alexithymia so I don't know if this has complicated any other therapies in the past.  

All this has come to a climax today, and I don't feel anything.  No anger, no anxiety, no remorse, no shame, nothing.  Just a void of emotion in a listless existence.  The only good part of the story is that the void has created a calm spot to tread water for a moment - unfortunately, I'm to far out to sea to make it back to shore.  Most definitely drowning, not waving.

[tanhal1]

Hi Matt,

I'm sorry to read your post. I'm not sure really what to say. It spoke to me. I fight loneliness, but have a husband. I've sort comfort in the arms of others. I push family and friends away, do whatever I can to try to destroy my marriage but then have screaming negative thoughts about loneliness and anxiety attacks cause 'no one loves me'.

But, Matt. Things are getting better for me. Slightly. Exercise, honesty and the mindspot program (Google it)

All the best to you.

[MattJ]

Hello tanhal,

I can relate to pushing family away - Christmas shouldn't be an issue this year as I will be spending it on my own. I hope yours is better.

Thanks for the reference to Mindspot - I checked it out and did some reading. I think it may be helpful.

I followed through with the GP and the referral to psychiatric assistance.  Appointment should be verified next week. All my GP wanted to do was give me medication, so it was a bit of a fight to get the referral - why do they have to make something that is already so hard even harder?

Spent the afternoon cycling between weeping uncontrollably and slipping back into the emotional void.  I'm really not enjoying this ...

[geoff]

dear Matt, I had to google alexithymia as I had no idea of what it was, let alone how they bring this illness and name it as such.

I feel as though you had a sudden urge to have an affair, simply because the binge drinking etc. wasn't suitable to your wife, so there was no physical connection between either of you, it may have been exciting, but now the marriage has ended, and the likely hood of it finishing in the long run would have been on the cards.

Alexithymia is a very damaging illness and maybe most people with depression may have a bit of it, but if you have it in a bad way then any relationship is going to be a struggle.

It's an awful part of depression that would restrict any marriage or relationship from succeeding, let alone being void of being able to keep friends.

I feel for you by being by yourself at xmas, and as much as it's a difficult time for so many people, me included, I hate those who won't be able to 'enjoy' this feastive time.

Matt this is going to be a very lonely and difficult time for you, and I hope that this new counselling will be able to help you. Geoff.

[tanhal1]

Hi Matt,

Bike riding also makes me cry...it's that damn lactic acid!

Let me know how you go with the psychiatric visit.

All the best.

[MattJ]

Ellon tanhal,

Cycling ... Like switching between, not bike riding.

Tried to get a psychiatrist appointment, but in the private system there's a 6 month waiting list.  Through the public system, it's still 6-8 weeks.  

Now I'm moving between 3-5 days of starving myself, then binging on junk food.  Spending most of the day in bed ... Can't even concentrate on watching anything on television.

geoff, I take your point about the Christmas period, but it's time to lock myself away for the next 4 weeks. Last thing I want to see now is people having a good time with friends and family, as it's a reminder that I don't have either.

perhaps I should drink myself into insensibility to stop myself from being self-destructive in other ways.

[tanhal1]

Ellon MattJ,

Cycling still sucks both literally and metaphorically.

Your going shitty.

Alcohol is not a friend. It's capable of making you feel so so much worse. Even when you think that's not possible. Be careful.

You sound like your punishing yourself.

Your GP didn't sound awesome.

Maybe you could see someone else?

I've not had much luck with 'help' - But let's hope.

All the best.

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi there,

We hope that you find some support here on this website. We also wanted to let you know that you could contact the beyondblue helpline on 1300  22 4636 in order to get some more advice about where to access services. 6 months sounds like a really long time to wait for an appointment. Are you planning on seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Seeing a psychologist may have a more reasonable wait list and they could work with you on building some coping mechanisms in the meantime. 
take care and keep in touch.
Beyondblue Team

[MattJ]

Hello, 

I'be booked an appointment with a psychologist as well, which is tomorrow, but it's not my regular guy,  as he is on holidays until February. 

Psychiatrist appointment has been booked for the middle of January, leaving me high and dry in the interim. 

Welcome to the silly season with little to no support 😞

[geoff]

dear Matt, you might be lucky as this new psychologist could have the magic wand that we were hoping for. Good luck. Geoff.