Not sure how to help depressed Husband

[Mummytoo3]

My husband has suffered from depression in the past but he had an encounter yesterday that has triggered his depression again.

He’s an avid trail runner and yesterday while out training he encountered a group of teenagers that tried to attack him and one managed to get a punch in, Lots of blood, massive cut inside his cheek and in quite some pain!

While I’m so sad this has happened to him I’m struggling to know how to help him. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he may be embarrassed I’m sure. But I need him back, we have 3 small kids and I’m at the end of my rope, I’m parenting in my own here (including him). He’s currently locked himself in our room and just can’t be bothered with anything.

am I not being compassionate enough?

at what point does he just need to move on with life?

are there ways for him to cope better? I don’t know if other people would respond in the same way?

[Just Sara]

Welcome to our caring community Mummy;

This sounds a dreadful situation for you. I'm sorry you're going thru this. I'm also sorry about your husbands' incident. It must've been scary for him.

Supporting someone with depression is mighty difficult; no-one here would say otherwise. The most important thing is to take care of yourself first. Worrying and beating yourself up for not being enough isn't productive as you probably know.

As his primary carer, you need to assess if or when his mindset has become acute so support can be sought. This might mean calling 000 and having him assessed by a psychiatrist for urgent referral. It also means getting support for yourself and your little ones.

A social worker will come in handy as they can help you get home support if you need it and encourage you where they can. Also, seeing a psychologist of your own is something you can do for yourself that'll help take a load off.

It seems you're taking on a lot of his responsibilities; that's a hard pill to swallow. Do you have family or friends to count on for help? I hope so.

In regards to being around him and what to do or be, it's not fair to take on his depression as an added accountability. You can't fix his depression; there's professionals for that. There's nothing you can do except be your best self. You can be pleasant and caring, but worrying yourself sick only makes things worse. You're enough! You and your kids come first.

Another important aspect is to try and take emotions out of the equation. Feeling sorry and hurting for your husband can backfire. If you think about him more as a 'patient' than a loved one, it might help you understand your role better. If he was a stranger, what would you do?

He can't fulfil his end of your relationship due to his depressed lack of attentiveness, priorities and goals. So unfortunately it's up to you to decide what's best for everyone. That's why professional support's necessary.

I'm here most days if you want to purge or ask questions ok. I'm happy to chat, although you need to remember response times aren't straight away.

Hoping to hear from you soon;

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[quirkywords]

Mummytoo3,

Welcome to the forum.

I can understand how you are concerned and want to help him. You are both struggling.

Firstly that is awful what happened to your husband, I think a random physical attack would upset anyone but someone who suffers depression maybe be triggered by the event.

As it happened yesterday he would still be in physical pain and trying to make sense of what happened.

You are being compassionate as you wrote your first post to find out how to help him.

I think as he is physically hurt and affected mentally, it may take a while for him to work through this.

I think people behave in different ways, I could imagine wanting time by myself to lick my physical and emotional wounds.

If youse the search box at top of this and type in depression triggers you will see threads that deal with how people treat depression which is triggered.

Some people do things to distract them so people like to talk and some people need time by themselves.

I understand you had a lot to do with 3 young children and you are being understanding.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Quirky

[Tess2]

What a terrible thing to happen. He should consider reporting this attack to the police. But is probably not up to it. Does he have a male friend who would empathise and could come and speak to him? It would be humiliating for him to have this happen. I would be concerned about him staying locked in a room. You have been given good advice about calling 000 if he cannot move on a bit or will not come out. Is he responding to you talking to him? Are there other family members who could help?

tess