Lost and confused. Please help.

[Jakez1992]

Hi all, looking for some help. I'm 4 months into a relationship with somebody and right from the start there have been issues which to this date have yet to be resolved. Apart from these issues, the relationship is great. My partners says they'll work on the issues but minimal effort is given, and its not much is changing at all and the effort is still at a minimum. I keep telling myself to be patient and they'll get better but as a result of these issues im constantly finding myself in a state of sadness and feeling worthless. My self esteem and confidence have taken a major hit and I often feel below rock bottom in life. The easiest way to explain it is that I feel like im in a big black hole and no matter how hard I try to get out, i cant escape. I feel these relationship issues are taking over my life as well as my thoughts, and a lot of the time it completely consumes my thoughts to the point where I struggle to focus on other tasks. Im either really tired or not tired at all and often feel like im not living my life at all. I feel like im just existing and all my energy is going into just surviving the day. I cant shake the feeling that this nightmare will never end and I feel like Ive lost so much of myself and im starting to hate the person im becoming. Im no longer the person I used to be; the person I was proud to be.

I think this may be a case of depression but im not sure. Does anyone have any opinions or any advice on how to cope with all of these overwhelming feelings? It sometimes just feel like they're too much to handle and I dont know what to do anymore. It feels like it'll never end.

[PamelaR]

Hello Jakez and Welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Life certainly is sounding difficult for you at the moment. I always find it hard when one in a relationship doesn't put the effort into addressing issues that are causing angst.

Our community of caring, friendly, supportive and non judgemental people will respond to you as reach out. Each of us has a little different way of looking at the world and life, so be prepared for differing viewpoints.

Relationships take time, effort and commitment to build. Feeling depressed can make building a relationship difficult. I'm not a health professional so can't provide any advice to you about whether you are or not. You can though have a look at the Beyond Blue Anxiety and Depression checklist K10. To find it do a search of the website for the title of the checklist.

Also, there is a lot of information and resources available on the website about depression and how to manage it. Have a look around under the Facts tab as well as the Depression forum.

The steps I take when I recognise depression has set in is to:

• Talk with a close relative or trusted friend. This helps a lot. I find talking exceptionally good as it gets it out of my head and helps to sort it out. Who do you have anyone to talk to Jakez? No pressure to answer any of my questions if you don't want.
• Make an double appointment with my doctor and talk about how I'm feeling and get a referral to a health professional on a mental health plan. This entitles me to 10 bulk billed visits to a psychologist in a calendar year. Are you seeing anyone at the moment to help you?
• Do some journaling. I.e. write down how I'm feeling, what I think might be causing it. I have journals going back 25 years.

People also find it useful to phone one of the helplines. There are many support services available, including

• RELATIONSHIPS Australia - 1300 364 277
• Beyond Blue Support Services - 1300 224 636
• Lifeline - 13 11 14

These services have a chat line if you prefer. You can find these by doing a google search.

There are also a number of apps available these days to monitor your mood, e.g. Daylio, Mood Prism. There is also a Wellbeing Plus Course by Mindspot. Again these can be found doing a google search.

Keep reaching out Jakez, if and when you want to. No pressure. Just remember you're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Jakez1992]

Thank you so much for reaching out. Ive been feeling so alone in all this and have no idea where to turn to anymore.

Ive reached out to many friends with this and all they've told me to do is leave and better myself. I know they deeply care for me but sometimes I feel like they just dont understand exactly how im feeling. I dont really talk to them much anymore because I think they're tired of hearing about it and I almost feel like they think that Its my own fault im feeling like this and i have to put up with it because Ive chosen to stay as long as I have. So lately i just let the thoughts build up in my head and then end up lashing out at my partner and attacking them as a result of me not being able to cope.

All of this makes me feel so alone. I often just want to run away, and lately I feel so indecisive and not knowing which way is left of right. I feel like I want to do something, but at the same time I want to do nothing at all.

I often think of getting help but I feel so ashamed and embarassed and I feel like nobody truly understands. A journal is maybe something i should try though, at least to get my thoughts out into writing

I apologize if this reply drags or doesn't make sense. It just helps to get things off my chest

Thank you

[PamelaR]

Hello Jakez

Absolutely nothing to apologise for at all. Your post is good! Thank you for sharing more of your story.

It's difficult when friends don't understand what's happening. Sometimes they think they have to solve your problems, when all you want is someone to listen. That's why I want to talk - just to talk it through. Get it out of my head and have a little TLC.

Good to hear you might try journal. You could use this as a basis for talking with your doctor and a health professional if you want.

I understand why you would feel embarassed and ashamed for reaching out for help. Sometimes I feel that way because - it was the way I was brought up. I was told not to talk about things, told it's a secret, told it's all my fault, told I'm useless, worthless, and good for nothing. Yep, that makes it hard to want to reach out when that's what you've been told you are like most of your life.

But I had to change those stories, I have changed those stories and I have moved on in my life. I no longer feel ashamed, guilty, embarassed.

It takes time and effort to get to this place and space. But completely worth the effort. I've outlined some of the things you can do to move on. Try some, you are worth it! There is absolutely no need to feel shame or embarassment.

Be kind to yourself and keep reaching out for help. Again, when you're ready and you want to. No pressure.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Jakez1992]

A lot of kind words, thank you. It's hard sometimes admitting to yourself that you're worth it and deserve happiness. But having someone else say it sounds nice.

Having a difficult upbringing myself, I relate a lot to what you said in your reply. School was difficult for me growing up, and I had emotionally absent parents who never really treated me like I was worth anything or took any interest in me whatsoever. I took care of myself a lot of the time and never really had anyone to go to for help. I had to work out all my issues on my own and often felt like it was the right thing to do to feel "good enough" for someone. Through my parents lack of care they made me feel like I was never really good enough, or special or worth anything. I've had abusive partners in the past too, mainly physical, but it has really lowered my self esteem and self worth in life. Sometimes it's hard to feel worth something when no matter where you go, the whole world makes you feel like you're not.

So I guess right now I'm feeling like the "proud" and "normal" thing to do is to work through these issues on my own. It's just how it's always been for me. I'm just not sure how to do it. I'm determined to better myself though, but don't know how to when this relationship is constantly bringing me down. The only way I can think of to work on myself is to leave my partner and escape the source of my sadness, but I don't want to leave. I want to be strong and get past these issues. I'm just trying to find a happy medium in this, but at times it feels like I cant.

My partner says that I often make it all about me, and how it's all about how I'm feeling and what I want and that I never support them or consider how they're feeling. Which is a fair point and it really hit me hard when they said it. It made me feel like a bad partner myself. I want to do good by them and care, but sometimes It feel like I'm barely coping myself. I spend all of my daily energy focusing on getting myself through the day, It's like I don't have enough energy to worry about them and support them sometimes. Which I know isn't good enough for them. I know what I'm offering them isn't good enough right now either, which makes me feel horrible and almost like I should leave, so they can have a better life too.

I apologise for rambling again, it's just my way of getting my thoughts out which is actually really helpful for me right now. I thank you so much for taking the time to reply and offering your advice too