Help re: Overcoming Depressive Patterns and Moving Forward :)

[Lalaleelu]

Hi all,

Until recently I was a high-functioning depressive. I am 20 years old an was studying law at university and working as a paralegal. Unfortunately, because I was ignoring my own wellbeing I worked myself into a really bad state and decided to discontinue work and study.

When I no longer had work to do I began binge-eating every day. Now I have put on 20kg and feel pretty disgusting about myself.

At this point I know I would like to try something new. I am interested in finding a part-time job and beginning to study nursing (it's something I have wanted to do since I was admitted to hospital for mental health reasons and the nurses were amazing). The only problem is I have lost all of my self-esteem and feel embarrassed to go in public looking the way I do now. It's really difficult because I want to take the steps to get better but am so down on myself that it's making it very hard. It's especially hard for me because I was recovering from an eating disorder when I began binge eating and it's really provoked a lot of negative thoughts.

Does anyone have experience in overcoming this kind of situation or any tips on how to deal with this? I really want to move forward with my life, but find myself getting sucked back in to the same old patterns 😞

Thank you 🙂

[Quercus]

Hi Lalaleelu and welcome to the forums,

Your post I can relate too. I've never been successful like you but I have binge ate as long as I remember. Just recently I've been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder and my psychiatrist has started me on medication to manage this. Do you have a psychiatrist that you can discuss this option with? We are not permitted to discuss medications here but if you ask about an ADHD medication that has recently been approved for use treating Binge Eating Disorder they will be able to find it. I am not sure if a GP can prescribe this however.

I think given your existing eating disorder a psychiatrist is a very good idea so that your condition is managed appropriately. Also being 20 years old you have your whole life ahead of you to change areas of study and start fresh.

Being ashamed of your appearance is very difficult. I know this all too well. It has taken me a long time to learn that surrounding myself with supportive and encouraging and kind people is important. I was younger I spent so much time concerned with what people thought of me. I still fall into that trap at times.

What does that mean? Look at your surrounds and activities and relationships? Do you have close friends who would still love you even if you put on 50kg? Do you have people who rather than put you down will drag you out with them to a class or exercise group? Do you compare yourself to others via social media? Do you take care of yourself in terms of preparing good food?

I know for me I feel reluctant to buy nice clothes. I don't want to be overweight so I used to wait and make do. But the downside is you feel rubbish. I go op shopping now. I don't have the money to buy multiple wardrobes when I yoyo so op shops are a Godsend. So you put on weight... You can still look lovely. It means different clothes to suit your figure. You still deserve to feel good.

Traditional exercise has always been stressful for me. I bought a crosstrainer to use at home at night. Getting into a routine is difficult but if you make yourself do 10 minutes every day that is very helpful. Music helps too.

Also finding an outdoor activity you love. It doesn't have to be anything in public. I love gardening. At our block I collect rock and stack dry stone retaining walls. It is hard work but I don't feel embarrassed.

I hope you can find the support you need to manage your binge eating. I am here often if you want to talk.

Nat

[quirkywords]

Lalaleelu

I too welcome you to the forum and love your avatar, it made me smile.

Nat has written a very helpful reply that I agree with.

I want to say it is great you want to try something new but I would give yourself some space before trying more study.You may have already done this. I am not sure how long ago you started studying.

I had a very erratic study at university because of my bipolar I was always changing my subjects or with drawing so I wouldn't fail. I would also put on heaps of weight when depressed .

It is good that at 20 you have found something that you really want to do. I was over double your age before I found something that suited me.

I read somewhere if you don't feel good about yourself you won't like yourself when you have lost your weight.

The trick about exercise you have to like it , like Nat says with gardening, for me it is walking .

I am here too. I am so glad you wrote your first post and reached out. There will be many people reading your post and nodding as they will relate to what you wrote.

Quirky

[Lalaleelu]

Hi Nat,

Thank you so much for your response. It's nice to know I'm not alone in dealing with binge eating. It can make you feel so abnormal and alone. I do have an amazing psychologist and a wonderful GP who are helping me to address these issues. I didn't realise there was a medication and will have to ask my GP about it when I see her next 🙂

I am going to have a good think about the people in my life who would support me regardless of how I look. I think I am lucky enough to have a few of them. I just tend to fall into a trap of cutting myself off from them because I am embarrassed. But I am sure they would love me no matter what. Thanks for helping me to realise this.

I totally get where you're coming from in relation to nice clothes. I have been buying overlarge shirts and jumpers so that I don't have to confront my body. When I initially started putting on weight the fact that my old clothes didn't fit the same way was a huge trigger for binging. But it does make me feel rubbish. Op-shopping is a great idea and I am going to try and live for today instead of waiting to look a different way.

I was very overweight throughout high-school so am on the same wavelength when it comes to traditional exercise. I like to go for walks so I think I'll make some time to do that every-day. I love listening to podcasts, so could do both at the same time 🙂

Thank-you so much 😄

[Lalaleelu]

Hi Quirky 🙂

Thanks for the warm welcome. My avatar was inspired by a trip to the zoo I took a few weeks ago where I met a binturong for the first time. They're so strange!

I think that's great advice. I have felt pressure to go back to study because it makes me feel like I have my life in order. But you're right. It would be better to give myself some space so that I can be more resilient and feeling more well when I return to study 🙂

I'm sorry to hear your university experience was very erratic and hope that you're finding it easier to focus on what you really enjoy now. And I understand how hard it is when you become depressed and put on weight and then that makes you more depressed. It's a frustrating cycle 😞

I have been finding it easier to decide on what I want to do since my psychologist was telling me that most of us have 7 careers throughout our life. It's reassuring to know that I can do something that is right for me today without worrying about whether it will always feel right.

How perceptive. Hearing you say that reminds me of when I was never satisfied with myself even when I was at my lowest weight. I should focus on loving myself as I am 🙂

I like walking too but I sometimes struggle with motivation. I always feel better after a good walk.

Thanks so much for your response. It really means a lot to me.

Alice

[Quercus]

Hi Alice,

I'm glad you found Quirky and my posts helpful for you. Thank you for sticking around and writing more. This is a really lovely supportive community I think you'll like it here too.

Woohoo op shopping trip is on the cards then. Good on you! Maybe some friends will come with you too? Over large jumpers and worn out gear is guaranteed to make you feel crap. The thing I Iove best about opshops is it makes me try on things I wouldn't usually. Some people say clothes and makeup can be armour. I agree with this. Confidence is attractive in its own.

You mentioned being overweight in highschool. Ah I feel you there. Sometimes I feel right back there. Uncomfortable in my body. Sure I am inferior to other people. But I remind myself I am not a child anymore. It took me time to learn most people are self absorbed and while you're busy worrying what they think of you they're probably thinking about themselves. That they probably haven't even noticed me let alone my frumpy figure.

Some days we need to just do things to make ourselves feel good. Ok so I'm overweight. Does that mean I shouldn't enjoy having my hair done when I can afford it? Or not to wear colours that make me feel happy because "black is slimming". Stuff that.

I found the best focus I ever learned was to want to be healthy. I learnt this the hard way by becoming sick and unable to walk. Being strong and active can feel wonderful. You don't have to aim to be slim. You can aim to be strong. It feels good.

I hope you are feeling a little better about yourself today.

Nat