It's 5am and my mind is still very active. Times like these I'm
bombarded with a myriad of feelings and thoughts. Mostly of worry/fear,
deep regret and painful memories. I've been diagnosed with
depression/anxiety and mood disorder; and have been rec...
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It's 5am and my mind is still very active. Times like these I'm
bombarded with a myriad of feelings and thoughts. Mostly of worry/fear,
deep regret and painful memories. I've been diagnosed with
depression/anxiety and mood disorder; and have been receiving treatment
and medication for almost a decade now. The symptoms may have been
around since i was in high school. I am now entering my 40s and I am
disturbed by the fact that i have lost so many years to depression and
solitude. I am still hopeful that things would turn out fine but i am
afraid that time is running out for me to live life to the fullest. It
all started in school, i was badly bullied, mostly emotional (i would
rather have been beaten up than called names). I was publicly humiliated
on many occassions. The most traumatic was during my highschool
graduation where they sang a corrupted version of the garduation song to
humiliate me. What should've been one of the happiest moments in my life
turned out to be a nightmare that would haunt me for years. I was fed
up. I swore to myself that i would never be in that situation again. I
changed my persona to one that was a complete contrast of my former
self. One day, my worst bully came up to me and bitch slapped me with a
newspaper in front of a crowd. By then I had developed a fairly good
reputation that i felt i had to keep, so with the little dignity i had,
i was able to muster the courage to fight back. So i got up and punched
the guy in the face. He was petrified, he retaliated with nothing but
words and walked away. After what happened we became friends and i
became one of 'them'. Part of me had died the day i punched the bully. I
began to lived a life of pretence, i was conceited, arrogant,
extroverted yet introverted. Behind the facade was i was shy and
insecure. I developed trust issues and attitude problems. I started
losing friends and began to have difficulty any form of work. I dumbed
down, barely passed college and always had difficulty in my job. After
so many years of sad and traumatic experiences, I became an escapist. I
kept mostly to myself, playing video games, surfing the net, playing the
guitar, and procrastinating. With each passing day i still hope that
someday i would discover my true self and become happy and successful. I
pray that it happens soon as i fear that i am getting old. My shyness
and lack of skills has made it difficult if not impossible to get me out
of my predicament It seems like only a miracle can help me.