I don't know what to do anymore

[gem2000]

I hate being like this, consistently feeling like I am not good enough for anyone around me, always feeling so down and depressed that some how that everything thats going wrong in my life is my fault. Currently doing year 12 so the stress of doing well is destroying me, if i don't get a good score I will be a failure to everyone around me. Everyday I dont want to wake up, every night i fall asleep early trying to escape the world I live in. The only time I'm at peace is in my sleep. Feeling depressed every minute of every day is so tiring and draining, I dont know what to do anymore. I have hardly any friends, the ones I had are no longer friends with me, school is one of the scariest places as i feel like everyone hates me. I have a boyfriend who I love with all my heart and he doesnt love me the same way back. I give the relationship everything I have and he puts in nothing, at times i feel like he's only with me if he wants something. Its so hard giving so much and never getting any effort back. I am a selfless person, always put everyone else before myself and my needs and every time it back fires on me. sometimes i just wish some body would love and care about me the way I love and care about people, I want someone to take the time out of their day and see how I'm truly going but no one ever does. I try talking to my boyfriend about all this but he doesnt have any time and the friends i do have well there sick of hearing about it. So what I do is lock myself away from everyone and just cry because i have all this pain and sadness and I dont know what to do with it. I dont know what to do anymore

[demonblaster]

Ahhh Gem darlin

I feel for you & know how it is to feel that way, I'm older now and very slowly but surely getting there and had deep depression a lot in teens & through the yrs too.

Darl can you see a psychologist or someone in the health professional system, if you start with your GP even if too hard to say all this maybe print this out to show them, they can get the ball rolling for you. This is too heavy to try and hack alone esp if friends aren't really being supportive.

You sound so nice too, giving but yeah it's about give and take which sadly many don't realise.

I really am sorry you feel so low, believe me this can change with help and work from ourselves. We do have strength it's just depression buries it but a good psych or counsellor who you can vent to, here as well anytime, can help you find and use the tools for recovery.

Hope you come back to let us know how you're going.

[dragonflies]

Hi Gem2000, I am F in Uni and I can really relate to what you have said. You are not alone out there.

I felt very much the same during my last two years of high school. I backed off from absolutely everything and everyone except for my family. I had no real friends just those that you'd say the fake hi how are you blah blah at school. I hated it. I ended up going to school only for my classes I wouldn't even attend assembly. I have always enjoyed studying so I put all my energy and focus into that. My boyfriend broke up with me mid way though yr 12. Broke my heart. Broke me.

Please know that it isn't your fault. Feeling depressed isn't your fault. You've done nothing wrong and don't deserve to feel that way. Are you able to speak to your mother or father about this? Are they supportive and understanding? I am here if you would like to talk. I care.

If you're in year 12 now I would encourage you to try hard (it is very hard) to not try to please the girls and ones who aren't your true friends. They're not worth the fuss. Focus on you. You're important. Focus on your study if you have been stressing about it. You can only try your best! Your parents have put you through a long schooling and it will all be over soon and your life will change. I promise.

That thought 'I don't know what to do anymore' would play on repeat in my mind. I would wander around the house in my pyjamas, stay in my curtain closed dark room and be alone and think. Haha thats actually what I'm doing today...

I wish someone would feel that way about me too. We'll get there one day.

After school ended I became very sad. Would cry all the time exactly like you have described. I was fortunate to have my dad encourage and support me to go to the GP. I did after a while and after a lot of persuasion. I didn't want someone to tell me I had depression. I was very reluctant to get help.

I went. I was told I had depression. Referral to a psychiatrist. Told me I had major depression and have suffered from it for 6 years. Put me on medication. I hated it. I didn't want to take it and finally after some time I did. It has helped me a little but I would try all the alternatives before heading down that path.

Could you see your GP? Demonblaster has made a good point. Just completely spill out how you are feeling.

How long have you been feeling this way?

If you want to share more about yourself I can be here to listen.

...dragonflies

[gem2000]

Thankyou both demonblaster and dragon flies for taking the time reply, it has honestly made my day. I regularly see a psychologist and have been for 2 years now, early this year I felt like I was making progress but events happened in my life which has only set me back and made me worse than I ever was. I like seeing a psychologist, its someone who I can always vent to without any judgement but I don't feel like its helping me get better, I still feel depressed every single day and I just don't know what to do. I am young, fit, with life right infront of me but I struggle to see the sunshine in my darkest days.
Every day is a struggle for me, physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't feel like I have anyone who is really there for me. Yes I have loving and supporting parents but they also play a part in my depression and they don't even know it. They blame me for there constant fighting, they have made comments about my weight so they aren't really people I want to express myself too.
I have been bullied my whole life for the way I speak and my weight, i cry everytime i look in the mirror. I feel like good things aren't meant to happen to me, that I was born just too endure all this pain and to help others, to be the person people take there emotions out on. I feel like its my duty to ensure everyone around me is okay and in reality Im the one thats not okay.
I wrote here just to express myself, I was sick of holding it in day in day out, it was killing me.
Thankyou for caring, its nice to know people do.

If there is any way I can help you both let me know, I am a great listener and I care about everyone around me so if you ever need to talk, I am here.
gem2000

[demonblaster]

You sound like such a lovely person Gem, thankyou for such a deep genuine post & for your appreciation.
An absolute pleasure
NO you're not a punching bag, I imagine you don't speak up? Doesn't have to be in anger but you don't have to take rot hun

Talk as often as you like, so glad you have, must be a good release aye .This is your place 🙂

Sounds like you know some of what's pulling you down, your parents are loving can I suggest you do talk to them. If something's pulling us down & a chance of it changing without too much grief I reckon worth a go darl.
Whatever you feel up to

Don't feel bad it's ok but it was sad reading how you feel.

I'm starting to learn about depression, it pulls us down in every way, one thing being self esteem, crushes it & some people of course, we need to like ourselves Gem, that gives us confidence, a shield
You know some of your good points, keep reminding yourself, depression wants us to feel bad, we don't.

Knowing why we're feeling depressed we can start thinking how to change it if we can. Can be overwhelming to try it all at once, baby steps gets there

You're fit, good, exercise?
Does your weight bother you?

You've had/having such a hard time, shaking head. Don't blame you feeling like good things aren't meant to happen, they are and you've opened up now, you'd be surprised how it starts things rolling.

Keep talking hun, thankyou for the offer for help really kind

I'll get back, sometimes afk

[dragonflies]

Hi Gem,

I am so sorry to hear you have been bullied. I understand how that feels. I don't know how some people can be so thoughtless and uncaring. We need to search for the right people that accept us for who we are rather than those that judge people on appearance etc. It's whats inside that counts, no matter what. I wish more people could see that.

I can see you are a very kind, considerate and thoughtful person. These are great qualities to have. I hope you can see that as demonblaster has said you are not a punching bag! You deserve to feel happy and talk to people about your problems too! Just like everyone else.

I think sometimes it's a good thing to make sure you're okay before making sure others are okay. May be a silly analogy but like they say on airplanes 'put your oxygen mask on before helping others' (I thought okay... strange thing to say). I suppose the analogy is that in order to help others you must be capable to first... to ensure YOU are okay and readily able to help other people. Does helping people for you provide some comfort? Sometimes it's hard to take your own advice... I know that feeling trust me.

It's a tough world. It's hard to stay positive and attract good things when we're feeling down. I get that. But please know good things will come. Sometimes I remind myself that good wouldn't be good without the bad.

I'm glad you have wrote here. I myself feel the same way and it has helped me far beyond what I imagined it would. Keep sharing if you'd like. I am more than happy to listen.

[demonblaster]

You also sound lovely Dragon, thx for a really nice post 🙂

Good point about the Oxygen mask.

Gem they say look after No:1 first, not sure but get where they're coming from.

Hope you're up to returning, we're here

[Nick1]

We love you gem.