My circle of despair, has it been broken?

[SubduedBlues]

By now, my friends, you may be aware that I came to BB following the breakdown of my marriage of 24 years. At first, I believed it was this breakdown and her departure that was the source of the my pain. At first.

Since coming to BB and opening up to all you kind people. Reading how others are struggling day-to-day also, many a lot longer than I; and some a lot tougher too. I have come to realise that I am not alone. I have learnt that I am not as useless that I once thought I was. That there just might be a better tomorrow out there somewhere, someday. 

Though some days I may still have my doubts, I know that I just need to get past these bad days and the good days are just around the corner. I try to see this akin to when I quit smoking way-back-when. These bad days are just like the nicotine withdrawal symptoms; a craving for garbage that will pass.

Reading everyone's posts, the regulars, the irregulars, the new people and the once-off, each time I learn more about myself. Each post and each thread sinks in a little, and changes me a little. The BB forums are the most moving and tearful experience of my week. It is where I reconnect to a world that I have had disconnected from all those years ago. I got so caught up in my own world: my wife and that I had forgotten about everyone else.

Now, after my wife has departed and I have only my children and a need to maintain a normalcy for them. I find that I have a lot of time to reflect on years gone by. In this reflection, I fear that I have been living in one of those so called one-side relationships that WK has spake of in his other recent thread. Or maybe it was more likely to be where my wife and I were each living in our own one-sided relationship, but neither of them were connecting.

It was so depressing being told by the doc that I am depressed. And it was even more depressing when he told me that he wants me to go on ADs for the next six to twelve months. I thought to myself, "Just what I need, to be kicked further down when I was already feeling down." No, I am not ready for this type of treatment; I'll work with the psychologist first.

Anyhow, I'm not starting the ADs just yet. As I have had an epiphany. I am will be exploring with the psych of the next few weeks if it was the presence of the marriage that caused the depression and not the absence of the marriage. And, if that were true, would not then, the absence of it empower me to lift myself up without the meds?

D'

[White_Rose]

Dear D'jected

Wow, what a powerful and fabulous message you have for us all. You are most certainly heading in the right direction. I am always amazed when people tell us of their epiphanies and it gives such hope and encouragement to others. Fantastic!

The perennial question of medication. Heads it wins tales you lose. But maybe not in your case. You know all the arguments for and against and have made a decision. Good for you! I think most folk know by now that I cannot tolerate ADs and that I sometimes wish I could. The positive side is that I know I am 'winning' on my own efforts, not because of medication. Mind you, I suspect the psych has something to do with it as well?

I was talking to group of friends this morning about community and what it means and I commented that the BB forum was a community specifically for people with mental health problems. People come here with all sorts of difficulties and so many of them experience the same outcome that you have described.

1. The knowledge that others have been equally adversely affected.
2. There is comfort, care and help to be found on these pages.
3. There is hope from examples, that we will emerge on the other side.
4. It's hard work but we can reconnect with the world.
5. We are all worthwhile and despite our negative self-talk, we are not useless or stupid.
6. Amazing insights into ourselves and others.

It is just too marvelous for words. Thank you D'jected for your comments. I hope everyone finds them as satisfying as I have.

About the cause of your depression. What I find fascinating, although I'm not sure that's the best word, is that we have all blamed someone or something else for our problems. In all probability other people and circumstances have contributed to our woes but we eventually come to the conclusion that we too have something, some vulnerability, that's triggered by that circumstance or circumstances.  And it's not because we are bad, silly, useless, lazy, not worthwhile or any of the other labels we use about ourselves. We are what we are with all our vulnerabilities, our strengths and gifts. And we are worth celebrating.

Thank you for your insights. You have made my day so much more pleasant and much happier.

Regards

LING

[Snoman]

D',

Having read some of your other posts, I feel I must comment that I don't know if you can or even need to pinpoint the "cause" of your depression.  Perhaps you can, but I don't know if that helps.  It might just be satisfying to know, but what can you do with that information?

In my case, I can pinpoint about 10 things in the last 10 years that probably have contributed to my condition.  Or not.

My first episode, about 20 years ago, I got through with a good friend and an insane amount of physical activity.  This time I know I need the AD's, much to my sister's horror.  They may have bad side effects, but I am grateful they exist.  I have also seen research articles saying that AD's might do more to help than just improve chemical imbalances.

Snoman

[white knight]

Hi D'jected

Wonderful comments. I love it when someone speaks from the heart. I love it more when men can now do that and be there for each other, the brotherhood we missed out on all our lives due to pride or with holding feelings.

I go away after reading and commenting here and often recall one sentence or one account of someone's experience that helps me get through those bad times.

Who would be reading the posts on this forum? I bet a student studying psychiatry might be? What about doctors? What about sufferers that dont want to or cant communicate for some reason?

We contributers could be helping more far and wide than we think. And then there are the archives. Plenty of reading there.

D'jected. I've seen you develop in the short time you have been here. Survival has been your priority and you have survived perhaps you have stepped onto the next stepping stone to your liberation, that place of peace.

A few months ago I took a relatively new push mower to a young family to use. They had 3 mowers all old and piled up on the side of the shed. The young man said "you didnt have to do that". I said "you will do the same one day when you are older, more comfortable financially and you see a young family in need".

And you D'jected....will place your hand at the rim of a pit of quicksand to lift a man out when he goes through what you have and are enduring. And you wont even know who he is.....

Beyond Blue forum is no longer individuals helping out...its a movement.

Thankyou D'jected

[geoff]

dear D', well this comment of yours is a powerful one indeed, and let's face it that's how much you have changed over the period you have been with us.

What I love is this ' is the presence of the marriage that caused the depression and not the absence of the marriage' and how much I agree with you, and I'm sure that there are others who know this fact in the back of their mind, but haven't realised as yet, or maybe too frightened to even think of it, but maybe you have to go through it to understand what it actually means.

1. ( sorry don't know how to get it back to original size, so I might just try it ) maybe someone can explain it to me, because for someone with OCD it doesn't sit properly for me. Geoff.
   
2. 
   

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[TheSteve]

Thanks for sharing D. You have rallied an amazing thread here and have not only shared, but attained some amazing perspectives. I will offer two pieces in addition to the tremendous support above:

1) Married, unmarried, single, in a relationship, employed, unemployed......these are all descriptions of a point in time which is merely transitory in nature. The one thing that remains whole through all of this is you. Even though it may not feel that way, our feelings are misleading in a world that is being mislead minute to minute. We need to be acutely aware and awake to realize this. You, my friend, are whole regardless of your current situation.

2) On your adventure toward recovery, always expect and appreciate the setbacks you will encounter. Call them setbacks, call it relapse, call it whatever you wish, these are purely opportunities to reinforce the good things you have learned on your journey. To further empathize with your condition and that of others, to further educate and understand new ways of righting the ship. Temporary suffering is the ultimate opportunity for development.

Do it your way, we are here for you to help guide as necessary. All my best to you.

Steve

[BeeGee]

Awesome post. I think you have what it takes to get better - it starts with self-awareness and I can see you have that in spades.  I too am at the start of my journey and was also surprised by my diagnosis.  I'm trying meds+psych though, as I want to deal with this as quickly and effectively as I can, so whatever help is around - I'm putting my hand up for it. The psych sessions have been fantastic and have given me a heap of insights into myself that I hadn't had before and I look forward to more of those. So far the meds haven't really done much; the first lot were horrible and I had to stop after 5 days, they messed with my head so much. The second ones I'm on now aren't giving me much grief by way of side effects, but then they aren't helping that much either.  I'll probably be trying my third lot in a couple of weeks.  I don't care, if there's a chance something is out there that will make me feel better - feel anything actually - I'll give it a shot.

I think I agree with some of the sentiments expressed above. I don't know anything about your marriage, but I wonder if it was really the source of your depression, or if you would have had that anyway and it seemed magnified through the lens of marriage?  I have a funny feeling that there's a possibility you would have ended up with depression, married or not, and you would have correlated that with whatever your current circumstances were. I could be wrong, but my sense is that many of us sufferers are predisposed to depression and would probably develop it under any but the most ideal circumstances. I can look back to my childhood and see contributing factors, but did they really *cause* my depression, or was it lurking there anyway and they just happened to trigger it - if not those, it would likely have been something else.  Who knows.

I feel a sort of connection with you, as I think we are probably in some similar life situations - I've been married 22 years, 3 kids, oblivious to my depression but it almost wrecked my marriage.  Thankfully I was diagnosed before that happened and my wife is a real trooper. I'm not sure how she's stuck it out but she has and I'm very thankful for that.  I look forward to walking with you on this journey and learning from each other as we go.

[SubduedBlues]

At first I was afraid to respond on this thread, as the replies of praise and amazement over my openness and personal revelations have brought me tears of happiness. The first time I've shed the good tears in a long time; and I didn't want them to stop. 

Yes Steve, I have embarked on a journey. A very important journey at that. The one of recovery; though it may be a long road I am not afraid to persevere. 

LING and Sno, I haven't decided whether I will or will not seek the assistance of the ADs at this point. It is my intention to first exercise my mind and use my analytical mind towards reprogramming myself to overcome and adapt to my new environment. I envisage this exercising of the mind akin to the exercising of one's immune system to ward off ailments and disease before resulting to antibiotics. Where penicillin is always available, the wise man only uses it when his own body's immune system needs the assistance and not as a first option. 

WK, yes, I concur, BB is a movement. More so than just the forums and blue buses traveling about the countryside. More so than the online chat and the telephone services. It is on social media and is talked about in everyday offices. "R U OK" has a catchy name, but when it comes to recommending a service to someone, it is most always BB that comes to mind. 

I wish I was smart enough to place my hand at the rim of the pit of quicksand to lift out the stranger, as I have a tendency to hold a rope and jump in to try to save them. I have a bad habit of putting myself into harms way to save an innocent. 

Steve, your comments of "...descriptions of a point in time which is merely transitory in nature," interesting. As though it is all a matter of perspective. As was the feeling of achievement I had when I stood on top of the world. I recall climbing to the top of the summit, looking down and seeing the world beneath my feet. 

And BeeGee, whether the marriage is or is not the source of my depression I know not. But what I do know is that I am ever so happy that I have had the marriage, as without it I would not have my four wonderful children. For they are my future, my life and my light. They give me hope and a reason to continue this journey. 

D'

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to share that today we (my ex and I) are finally finished with all of the legal paperwork towards the dissolution of our marriage. Way back when I originally started this thread, when I first came to BB, I never would have thought I would be saying this words, but...

WooHoo... I'm SINGLE! 🙂

I never thought it would be possible, but I found happiness in singledom. I have beaten my demons and tamed the black dog... way back then I was most certainly D'jected, but now, these days, my blues are subdued. Actually, today, I am happy as a pig in sh*t (but I can't have that as a new screen name)

SB

PS: Though my journey is far from over, I chose to share my good news on this thread as it helps show where I became away of the journey and embarked on the long path to today. Thank you BB for being here when I needed you most.