The need to avoid certain people...?

Guest_125 · ‎09-10-2017

I think I might have made the really tough choice to avoid a couple of family members, one being my mother, as much as possible to help me with recovery. The really tricky bit is I have always craved them in my life, chasing seemingly elusive validation and acceptance. But I think I need to be much stronger and sure of myself before attempting to have much to do with them again or I might get worse. In the past and now, the more time I spend with them the worse I seem to feel. But whether avoiding them is for the better or not is yet to be seen I guess.

Has anyone else felt the need to distance themselves from particular people to help with their recovery?

Roonil_Wazlib · ‎09-10-2017

Hello intergalactic-kitty!

I have had to distance myself from my dad for my mental health. Like you, I've always craved for a loving dad in my life but unfortunately my dad has always been very emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, and has a whole lot of mental health issues that he will never address or do anything about. About a year ago, I finally decided that I needed to distance myself from him for my own sake. I felt selfish and that I wasn't being a good daughter but he was so detrimental to my mental health I had to cut him out if I were ever going to get better. I'm still working on me but I am getting better and through this process, I feel like I can see him more objectively. While it doesn't excuse his behavior, it does make me understand him better which helps me in understanding why I have so many issues (I've learnt that most of my current issues stem from my childhood and a lot of trauma that he caused). We will never be close but I don't regret cutting him out one bit. I've learnt that I need to live for me and surround myself with people who can provide the love and support I need to be healthier. But it is an incredibly hard thing to do cutting out family members and I wish you all the best.

Sunetra · ‎10-10-2017

I have! I feel like i have to avoid my family because they are always finding a way to put me down

and i hated them but at the same time i still wanted to please them and not disappoint them

I honestly can relate to you because i feel the exact same way about mum and family

geoff · ‎10-10-2017

hello Intergalactic-kitty, you are chasing a dream that probably isn't going to happen, because you can't keep wishing for something that will not eventuate, and the time you spend with them always becomes disappointing.
If you avoid her and decide to contact her once again because you need her your hopes and dreams will fall flat on its face, as it has before and what you have to be careful of is that this doesn't cause a trigger point where you will break down, even by seeing her or someone else mentioning her name.
Try and build up your own strength, I know it's not easy, especially if you are nowhere near that point, but you can't crave for something that's not going to happen and the more you try the worse you will feel. Geoff.

StitcherMum · ‎10-10-2017

Absolutely intergalactic-kitty!

I had to set some really firm boundaries around certain people, including family. I pulled back a bit from my mother but not entirely as I knew she wasn't intentionally hurting me. It was a process but weirdly, having boundaries set me free in some ways.

It was hard. But I used scripts and rehersed. So if they said something a bit mean or intrusive I used to say "I understand your concern, but *whatever* is my business and I am not discussing that right now" then if they continued, repeat and then change the topic. Eventually they got the hint.

Put downs are harder. But nothing wrong with "that was very rude/mean/critical, please do not comment on my looks/job/hair/weight again in that way. I like it and that is all that matters"

Then I put boundaries like, if i HAD to speak to them, I would limit the call to 10 minutes "oh sorry, I.have to go, answer the door or use the bathroom". Chat I would say "gotta go, chat later" then turn off notifications.

Avsoluyelu

Guest_125 · ‎11-10-2017

Hi everyone,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I now think I have made the right choice.

Geoff, thanks for your insight. It can be difficult seeing a situation clearly when heavily emotionally invested in it. Your comments did help to clarify a few things in my mind.

Roonil, I think I have gone through similar feelings - I have been feeling bad for choosing to avoid them. But I think you are right - we have to make choices that will benefit our own health when it comes to people who emotionally exhaust us.

Sunetra, thanks for sharing your experience. It can be very taxing trying to please people who won't be pleased.

StitcherMum, thanks for sharing. Might start to look at doing similar things once I find some more self esteem and can stand on my own 2 feet emotionally.

CakeFace · ‎14-10-2017

I totally feel like this. A big one is my in laws, every time I see them I feel worse it also causes arguments with my husband when I refuse to visit them. I also find it hard with my family as they have made it sadly clear what they think of ppl with depression. I had 3 years not speaking to them & now speak to them occasionally. I never understand what the point is of having someone (friends, family, etc) in your life who causes you so much stress & sadness 😞