Hello.

[MrsC]

Hey all,

Warning. Looooong story

First time here at BB im not really sure what to say but for most my life since early teen years to present (25) ive had a mental illness. (i think) ive never been to a shrink or even a doctor. My poor husband cops alot of my mood swings and moments where all i do is cry.

Im not very educated on it all but all i can say is i can only see the negative on most things. Some days im the happiest person but then something could pop up in my head from the past and there goes the happy mood. Ive had a fairly good childhood although my mother suffered from bad depression and alcoholism which led to gambling problems etc. Shes got it all under control now which is great but its left me in a shitty place as i had to deal with ALOT of it as i grew up. Id also always protect my brother so alot of times id push away my emotions and comfort him. But now theyre all catching up with me. yay.

Im married to the best man in the world (haha) i have a beautiful 2yo daughter. And my life is good.
I feel so guilty being like this on and off happy/sad/angry they both dont deserve it. I dont want anything to rub off on my little one either. Remembering me as a miserable person.

My head just feels cloudy and i am constantly putting myself down over every little thing. I could type for hours but i feel like a whinger as i know theres people out there without food for example and people that are in devastating circumstances. But i want to feel happy and give my family the best life i can.

I guess im scared and embarrassed to talk about it to anyone. My husband knows but theres only so much he can do. Ive recently met some really good quality friends but they arent aware.

Im worried if i go on antidepressants i wont be me anymore. Ill be a zombie. I love who i am. And i just want to get rid of that heavy clouded mind and focus on the positives as lifes too short.

Also the funny thing is id love to get into mental health as a career as i love helping people. So id like to sort my own head out first. Can taking antidepressants effect getting into a role like this? Do you Have to tell people. For example if i wanted to foster a child would this be a problem if i was on antidepressants?

Are there certain ones that are better or is it up to the doc to decide.

Please only nice comments i know that was a whole lot of confusion. Im not the best at expressing myself

Thanks 💙💙💙

[White_Rose]

Dear Mrs C

Thanks for telling us your story and welcome to Beyond Blue. There are a lot of myths about depression and antidepressants (AD). It may be that when AD were first manufactured they made people sleepy but not these days. The number and range of AD is enormous.

I have been taking AD for 16 years. I have had many changes in that time mostly because I had uncomfortable side effects. But then I have side effects from most medications such as meds for blood pressure, pain relief and anti-inflammatories. So don't assume you will have the same problem.

I cannot tell you which AD would best suit you. Apart from the fact that it is BB policy to not allow specifically named medications to be mentioned, I am not a doctor and I cannot prescribe meds or discuss what would be best. There really is no one size fits all with AD as every individual has specific tolerances. The days of people acting like zombies has gone, they just do not work like this. You will be the same person you are usually, or possibly happier when you can shift the load of depression.

So I suggest you visit your GP, first booking a long appointment and talk about it with him/her. Print out your post above and give it to the doctor. You have explained yourself very well. Sometimes we get a bit flustered taking to a doctor and having your post will help.

I am sorry you had a poor upbringing and I understand how this is still impacting on you. You obviously love your husband and daughter and want to be the best mom and wife you can be which shows you are a caring person. Saying others are worse off than you is not necessarily true and certainly not relevant. We all have our problems and to others they may appear larger or smaller than our own. It doesn't matter. You have the right to be as well as you can be. Yes others have that right but that's their story not yours.

Getting a job in mental health when you have experienced some poor mental health yourself is OK. Those who have been there are far better placed to help other struggling with their MH because you know what it feels. It's different for everyone but it's also the same in many ways.

I don't know about disclosing you are depressed when applying for foster children. I suggest you look on the relevant guidelines in your state. Not getting your own MH under control will certainly be looked on unfavourably for obvious reasons. You certainly do not need to tell friends or family unless this is what you want. Please post back.

Mary

[MrsC]

Wow what a fantastic response. I really appreciate your words. And the idea of printing it out and taking to the doc is great. I can never think of what to say and dont want to sound like an attention seeker to them.

Thanks alot.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mrs C

I am so pleased my information was useful.

One of the most puzzling aspects of depression for many people is being depressed when to all intents and purposes they have a wonderful life. It's a common story. I found recently that events I witnessed as a child continue to have an impact on what I do and think today.

My last appointment with the psychiatrist I see finally locked those events to the way I react. As she was explaining it to me I was back as a small child and being afraid of the 'grown ups'. Now I know why I react to films and TV with children being treated badly. I expect I will need to do some work on this but I am already changing.

I would love to know how you are going.

Mary

[meercat]

Hi MrsC. Im meercat

Nice to meet you. Just been thru the "cloudy's" too. I call it "zombie" mode. Iv have had bipolar for 43 years now, It still takes me by surprise.

It feels good now my husband knows but I dont feel comfortable yet telling everyone.

I can recall when i was a new mum, I went to a baby group and did not feel ok with the mums. Feeling isolated at home i joined a weekly adults "activies" group with a playgroup attached at the local community centre. Just an idea..It helped to have adult company and my baby loved it!

Cheers

meercat xx