Not getting better

janazantar · ‎20-10-2015

Seeing psych every week and back to the doc to change medication tomorrow. Even on a higher dose this one isn't working. Unfortunately those deepest fears are true, people you think are close don't really care if you shut down and give up your personality, that spark that makes you who you are, as long as you don't appear upset. They'd rather you wear the mask than be who you are, worts and all even with depression. It's like that quote from Robin Williams, All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are. I have four people who actually care but is that enough to build a life on. I don't think it's enough to try getting through these bad times. Cried in the morning, held it together at work, cried all the way home and some more once I got there. My trigger at the moment is seeing someone I may have wronged when this latest depression hit but I'm saddened that although my actions were from being unwell their actions are made from the position of being stable, a 'normal' person. Like most depressed people inwardly fearing there is nothing about you to like/love/care today I've had it confirmed that they are choosing to avoid me. While I understand that, I don't like it and I thought I meant more to them as a friend. I can't seem to let this go and accept that just because I cared, doesn't mean they did or had to. My psych has told me I avoid emotion which is understandable after a long stretch of being chronically depressed and while being well for a bit I tried to open a little and let some people in but I wish I hadn't. Let your guard down, give them a chance to hurt you and they will. The worst is the lack of sleep, knowing you'll have a long night ahead, the emptiness and feeling trapped in a life that you have to keep living. If I had emotion removed I could make it. My folks would be ok, I'd physically be here, I'd be able to survive cause I wouldn't feel and the person who is the real me would finally get to rest. I'm not suicidal, I don't have that option. I've battled this disease for almost 30 years and can be proud how hard I've fought. Only those with major depression know just how hard. It feels like asking someone to go one more round of excruciating pain for what, another flat line period of time until the next depression. I'm so sad, I'm so broken and its a long time till tomorrow night till my Doc might be able to give me a different pill that helps.

geoff · ‎21-10-2015

dear Janazantar, I see that you you have been on the site several times and I do remember your user name, however non of this would help as you are feeling depressed.

I wonder whether you feel as though you have said something to this other person that wasn't suitable for them or whether it was something that you feel you shouldn't have said.

To battle this illness for 30 years is far too long, which is a major concern, because many people are either in denial or think that they can handle feeling depressed, and that it will just go away, but this is wrong, it won't go away by itself, sure the superficial issues may go away, but those deep problems won't, and these are what you have to get help with.

Although I'm not a psychologist it seems as though your self esteem is low, but you won't be able to increase this at the moment until you have a medication that starts to work for you, and is able to lift your spirits.

Are you interested in getting the information from BB explaining depression, and if so the click 'Resources' and then order all the printed material from BB, it's free, but very good.

Would it be possible for you to tell us how your parents feel at the moment, and please only answer if you want to. Geoff.

Lookingforpeace · ‎21-10-2015

Hi J

My heart breaks for you reading this post. But yes - having 4 people close to you IS enough. It's about quality not quantity. It's very uncommon to have a wider circle. I myself have about 3 and even then there are some things I can talk about with one of those friends but not others.

In the 30 years that you have fought this, you know there will be moments/periods without the depression. You know from experience that things do get better. However when we're in the midst of it it sure doesn't feel like it. Just remember that's the depression talking. It's a very isolating experience but you are not alone.

Unfortunately some people do turn away when confronted with others' depression. I don't think this is because they don't care, but because it can be uncomfortable for some. Unless you have been through depression yourself, it is a very foreign concept. That's the thing about this illness - you have to understand it to be able to help others.

thinking of you and hope the next pill helps.

janazantar · ‎21-10-2015

Hi and thanks for your responses. just got home from the doctors and feel much more positive than last night. had a rough day but made it through. i am working on how to change my anti-depressant and so there is some hope creeping back in. i'm a survivor so i hope i can get some relief.