Not coping.

[Guest_4521]

I am in Victoria, pregnant and due in November and I feel like the biggest loser on the planet at the moment because I'm pregnant...in the middle of a pandemic. Remote learning is the biggest load of bull donkey.
I have seen in my life.

People in my life know I'm not coping. I reach out and crickets.
My daughter's school doesn't care that I'm struggling with remote learning.
I am refusing my prenatal appointments because I know if I catch this stupid virus they will separate me and the baby. I would rather die in childbirth than risk that. At least I'll get to see my baby before I die, I won't if I catch COVID.
Hospital is harassing me even though I have explained why I won't go...so I blocked their number.
I feel nothing but guilt for being pregnant, I don't even know what the future is going to be like for my kids, at the moment the world is a rotten place to be!

I left my mother's group because they were all celebrating their pregnancies. I couldn't and I still can't. This isn't a good thing, and I didn't want to rain on their parade.

I can't tell if I am depressed, disillusioned or just angry. I really hope all these sacrifices are worth it for those who need it, because it's not for me! I did therapy last year to help my social anxiety and agoraphobia. It is back with a vengeance but now I know I'm not being paranoid, people are definitely NOT trust worthy!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_4521,

Welcome back to the forums. We're so glad you felt brave enough to share what's been on your mind of late. The pandemic restrictions are having and impact on many people's mental health. For this reason we set up the Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website has a lot of information and practical tips to help you through these difficult times. We also offer 24/7 phone and webchat support with specially trained and qualified mental health professionals on 1800 512 348 or via https://cmwssonline.beyondblue.org.au/#/chat/start.

We're sorry to hear how much you are struggling right now. Things can get better. We want you to know you've come to a safe and non-judgmental space where users give and receive support based on their own experiences with mental health. We want you to know we're here ot provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Please check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[Guest_4521]

Things can get better.


I keep hearing that. So far I'm not seeing that for myself.

Things get better, and then I get slapped, and I'm worse off than I was before!

Just like I keep hearing "we are all in this together". Wrong. People are in it for themselves. Just like always. If we lived in a world where it is common place to think about others, there would be no mental illness.

[Gambit87]

Hi Guest,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out!

Now, I'm a guy, so I cant even begin to imagine what it must be like to be pregnant, with a kid doing remote school whilst in the middle of a pandemic. It takes so much strength to do what you are doing.

whats going on in victoria right now is brutal and I can totally see why you're feeling the way your feeling.

I'm not in victoria, im in WA so our lockdown was relative short but I did make a few mistakes that sent me into a spiral. I went into lockdown/working from home without putting any structures in place, I had a very 'she'll be right, just wing it' attitude After 3 days - I was over it. At home I wasn't keeping myself busy, whilst we were allowed outside to exercise - I had no motivation to exercise. When it came to work I didnt communicate about how I was feeling with my boss or co workers - I felt trapped and lonely ( I discovered I do need people around me to function haha) all this made me loose my marbles a little and had to see my psychologist twice in 10 days. By the end of the lockdown period I was starting to put structures in place which was actually helping.

I totally understand our situations are different, i've learnt that putting structure in place and reaching out where you can (even on forums like beyondblue) can help alot.

youre not alone here.

[Guest_4521]

We can leave our home to exercise for an hour. That's it. We are allowed to go through the supermarket once daily, or to the chemist.

It takes double that to get all my kids ready. Not really worth it.

I'm not really into walking for the sake of walking, and I like to move quickly while exercising and just get frustrated because the kids are walking too slow.

Walking TO somewhere is fine, but just walking for exercise is boring as all hell so I end up doing nothing.

I just end up sitting in my room and staring at the wall or my phone. There's nothing to do, except watch the same kids shows over and over and over, and the second I start doing anything, they need something. But if I sit and do nothing they leave me alone. From 7:30am until 10pm, I just sit here.

I don't even have the motivation to put food out for dinner. Who cares anyway? My house is a total mess because the kids have drawn all over the walls and make a mess. I just don't have the energy to clean since they will just mess it up again anyway.

My shows aren't appropriate for kids, so I can't watch that either.

I watched the update 15 minutes ago. Cases are not coming down fast enough. This is hopeless. This is probably how it's going to be forever. I wanted this baby and I wanted the other kids, but they don't deserve the future they are about to get....these sacrifices aren't worth it.

[Guest_4521]

About therapy: for this situation, I feel like going to therapy is just another way of being told : nah, the situation isn't that bad, you're the problem!


I started off being all Pollyanna about lockdowns, but what's the point in living when you aren't living? Just going through the motions. I went to therapy last year for agoraphobia, that was a waste of time, obviously because now I have to stay home, which messes up my recovery, and also this has shown me that people can't be trusted and the people that do the right thing are the ones that lose the most.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_4521~

Being in your situation is very hard, and no, now is not the best time to have your baby, but it is not the worst either. You love you baby and genuinely want him or her -that is a start far too many children do not get in life.

You talk as if you live all alone apart from your children - do you mind if I ask if that is so? That makes it so much harder, even getting the kids ready to go out for those necessities is a huge chore when you are down.

And you are very down, sitting all day looking at kids shows not having the energy or inclination to get out food, genuinely believing the worst will probably happen.

A lot sounds like me when my depression and anxiety hit the roof. I could not get better either by myself, just kept on drifting down.

Do you mind if I make a couple of suggestions?

Anyone that cares you can talk to? Family or a friend? A chat now and again. maybe once a day, can give some energy and make things seem less grim.

At the moment many people can get teleheath for free, a GP, psychiatrist or some other mental health professional on the other end of your phone. No guarantees you will click with the person on the other end, but then again there is a reasonable chance you will. It can make a difference

Yes I know you had help before , but you responded to that help, it is only now that the world has changed that has undone all the good work.

Responding again is still inside you.

Things may not fall in a heap, you may well have a new bub to love, healthy (and demanding). Would you like to be be in the best of conditions to look after him or her -plus your other kids. Is it worth a try?

Do you have a TV or tablet the kids can watch, if you use your phone for audio books which can help pass the time , small download, no need for streaming if you are short on cash. Some are so good you want to keep coming back to them. There is a huge free legal supply at

https://librivox.org/

something for all tastes.

I see you have been giving advice to others, encouraging them. You need encouragement too.

I do hope you come back some more

Croix

[Guest_4521]

Hey.

I don't live alone with my kidlets, but I am very isolated as everyone else is. Partner is very patient and supportive but he is still working. I am grateful for both his help and that he's still working.

I tried reaching out to my mother a couple of days ago. I believe I have body dysmorphia, (not diagnosed yet). It's a long story how I came to that conclusion, and she said it sounds stupid. It's not the first time she's been unsupportive. She hasn't spoken to me since. I'm not sure what I said that upset her. Maybe she takes my mental problems as some kind of insult to her parenting? I don't know.

I tried reaching out to some people I chat to, I was ignored.

I'm not worried about whether I will click with a therapist, I'm just not sure it's helpful in this situation. I'm not really the type of person that just "handles" things, I like to fix it. I know that once things change and I'm at least able to leave the house and do things, I will be much better. Less time thinking, more time planning you know?

With the baby: I feel like such an idiot. It isn't a good time right now, i am putting my life and her life at risk with this pregnancy. I should have ended the pregnancy when lockdown 1 started instead of hoping things would get better. I KNOW better than that! I don't know why I let "hope" make the choice for me instead of reality. I had a chemical pregnancy in January this year, I should have taken that loss as a sign that now is not the time....I had never miscarried before and I was confused, shocked, very sad and angry.

November is far away, I said, things should improve by then. They haven't and they won't.

Now I know why. It was the universe saying "not now". And I didn't listen.

And now it's too late. I am 25 weeks, I will need two doctors to approve and I don't see them agreeing.

There's just no room in our lives or in the world for her right now. I can't even find her clothes. All there is, is the very basics, just singlets and legless body suits. All because of COVID. I don't know whether it's because people panic bought baby clothes, or whether stores just aren't getting shipments, but I am 15 weeks away from my due date and not even mentally ready for her arrival.

[Guest_4521]

And it's not that I don't love the baby. I have been to ultrasounds and she's very healthy and just looks like her sisters.

That's why I feel the way I do. I'm bringing a beautiful happy and healthy baby into a world that's a spiralling black hole at the moment, full of people that will punch you in the face just for some toilet paper, where education has been thrown out the window, and where people are losing jobs and everything they have worked for their whole lives and families have been ripped apart.

I don't even know if I will survive the birth....if I deliver at home and something goes wrong just like my other labours, I will die.

Nobody cares about that. Just as long as they don't have covid, or they didn't die from covid, everything is fine.

It's pretty selfish to have a baby right now, when I don't even know what the future is going to be like for my other children.

This will end someday, but it won't be by November. Cases aren't dropping fast enough, and there will be a fight over the vaccine if and when it comes. We are looking at maybe 2 more years minimum of this rubbish. I can't pause a pregnancy.

[Guest_4521]

Got into an argument today with my partner about going to my prenatal appointments and giving birth at the hospital.

Lo and behold, when the news delivered their daily dose of pointlessness to the public, cases among health care workers are going up.

Meanwhile, if I was to go to these appointments, and I caught covid, I would essentially be punished just for getting sick...they will separate me and the baby without my consent.

I don't think I need to explain what is wrong with that.