No identity, totally lost..

[Simply_Lost]

It all started when my fiancé said, you should enter this competition!

- Tell us about yourself..

- 3 words that describe you..

- What makes you fun to be with?

- Why would we chose you, how would you make our audience keep watching and say "wow" and "cool"

Safe to say, I couldn't answer any.

I can't beleive a stupid competition entry made me realize how pointless and worthless both me and my life are.

I have no purpose in life. I wake up, go to work, come home, yell at my kids, clean obsessively, then go to bed. Most days I just sit at work and stare blankly at my screen for 8hrs. As a mother, I have no idea what I'm doing. I literally ignore them because I have no idea what to do with them. My relationship is failing because I don't know what I want, I don't know who to be and I don't have any dreams or goals to contribute - in fact I don't really contribute anything in any respect.

I've found I no longer have emotions. Like say if something bad happened, I can't feel sadness or hurt. The same goes when something good happens, I can't feel joy or even smile.

We set a wedding date. I don't really care. I'll show up on the day and pick up a white dress from Kmart on my way. I don't care for hair or make up because I have no idea what I like and doubt I'll look ok anyway.

I make people in a room uncomfortable. I don't even have to say anything. If I do speak, while reasonably intelligent, I can see people trying to wish me out of the room, or wish themselves out..

I have no friends. Like none at all. Not one. I have a Facebook account with 12 people. All family. I had a friend for almost 30 years. Now I don't exist. My only friend, couldn't even call or text to let me know she and her husband had split up. I don't know how to make friends, she and I were together since before we could crawl. I can't even remember people's names let alone know how to create a lasting friendship.

I struggle with perfectionism. But nothing is ever perfect and I beat myself up about it every minute of everyday. I'm exhausted, I never have time to do anything normal. I'm always checking that everything is perfect - the couch is straight, the wine glasses are exactly the same width apart, the lines on the tablecloth match to exactly the edge of the table, I yell at my toddler when he pulls something out of the cupboard to play with..I can't leave the house anymore.

I'm really lost and I need help 😞

[Neil_1]

Hi there S.L.

Firstly I want to apologise that it’s been some time since you originally posted and do hope that you’re still around to read this.

That competition that your fiancé invited you to enter – while I cannot answer those questions for you, I do have some suggestions that may help along similar lines to them.

Firstly, you’re engaged to be married – you have a partner who you love very much and here, more importantly for you, that they have found you and THEY love very much as well. That’s a massive positive in my eyes.

You have a job and are able to work – another big positive; as when we’re feeling ultra low, if we’re still able to maintain our job (or even ‘have’ a job) this is so important and can be quite beneficial on so many levels. Obviously for financial purposes, as we all know, but also when we’re feeling crap, being able to be at our work can help; by simply helping us through each day, to be doing our work and concentrating on it; it helps take our mind away from just how low we are. Though I do read where you mentioned you may not be as productive at work as you could – if you’re able to turn that around a little, that would be a very good step to take.

You’re a mum – that in itself is awesome, amazing and also what usually goes hand in hand with that is a whole new level of work and commitment in bring up the young ones. You didn’t mention their ages, but the simple fact remains is that you are their Mum (and nothing will ever change that) and that despite what you think, I believe you’re still caring for them, tending to them and nurturing them. It may not feel like it at times, but you’re there and would be providing for them.

Do you have a GP that you may perhaps be able to go to, to have a chat with about how you feel you’re going? Coming here was a great step, but perhaps going and getting some professional help might be a good thing to do as well.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil