Coping with life

[macadamianut]

Hi peeps,

I need advice and I don't really feel comfortable opening my soul up to my family or friends.

I'm a 26 year old year old female with a full time job, healthy/fit, financially independent and not someone you'd expect to be having a tough time. I am an upbeat, bubbly person who runs a health and wellbeing blog and loves anything creative. I dig self improvement and motivation and all that good vibe shiz. I lack confidence (but hide it well) and have struggled with anxiety (general and social) throughout my life as I am quite a perfectionist/control freak/ocd/bubbly introvert. But my world has been turned upside down lately and I'm struggling to cope.

In 6 weeks I:

- Found out my mum has lung cancer.

- Thought she was going to die.

- Found out it was operable through surgery.

- Went to Thailand with my now ex and got a nose job (lol - this had been booked for 6 months).

- Recovered from said nose job (ups and downs due to meds etc).

- Happy about nose job but too stressed to be overly phased.

- Overall had 5 weeks annual leave.

- Went through break up with ex upon arriving home. Not too sad about it because I wasn't that into it anyway (nor was he) and more concerned about Mum.

- Moved into my own studio apartment. Very expensive process.

- Mum started chemo and she isn't coping well at all. Very stressful.

- Went back to an absolutely chaotic, horrendously managed workplace and slammed with an unmanageable workload. Every day this week has been horrible and my managers are incompetent. It's a massive, dire mess.

- Applying for jobs at my ideal employer (a uni) and getting continually rejected (3 times).

- Ex is refusing to give back bond until he gets a housemate despite him being the full bond owner (he kept my bond in his accounts)

I know my problems are first world issues and could be worse, but it doesn't change the fact I am struggling to cope with life. I have been through a lot of change and am struggling personally, professionally and financially. I feel a drastic change to the positive, motivated, happy person I was a year ago, and as a control freak/perfectionist I am finding it hard to cope with the emotional and situational chaos. Does anyone have any tips on getting out of this darkness? With work spiralling, Mum sick, my ex saying horrible things to me, my finances looking worse than they have in a long time and an all round feeling of despair, I am failing at "staying positive" and "being strong".

Thanks 🙂 😞

[trustlife]

Thanks for the post Mac,

It's not a matter of how important the issues are. What is most important is they are all contributing to a runaway freight train in your mind. It's probably fair to say that no matter what environment you may be in, it potentially could turn to panic. Your Mum, boyfriend, holiday, work etc. Some people talk about the one move that when taken seems to sort everything else out. It would be a big mistake to try to tackle all of this at the same time. What is your one move so?

Your Mum. Everything else should go out the window. Get into the organising of her logistics. Drive her everywhere if need be. She needs company and understanding. With that goal firmly in your head and all your actions centred on her I would then suggest the following:-

Tell your boss you have a family health issue and you need some space. You will do your job as best you can but ask for his understanding. (You probably can't ask for time off).

Text the boyfriend for the bond to remind him but don't get into a text war. Forget about it at the moment

As you spend more time with your Mum you'll start to get a clearer sense of priorities which means the freight train is slowing down. Then start applying for uni jobs. You would not want to be in front of an interview panel at the moment so timing is probably good here.

Who else is at home with your Mum?

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Macadamianut,

I have been through what you are going through including a Mum with lung cancer, minus the nose job. I find lists help me manage the chaos - I am a perfectionist too. This is how my list would look;

• Mum
• Current job

I would stop contact with the ex except txt for bond as per trustlife above.

I would forget applying for jobs, you may not realise how much your Mum needs you right now or indeed how much you need her. Talk to her and whoever else is helping with her care and get to understand what is happening. This is the time to spend quality time with your Mum.

I would do what trustlife says and talk to your boss. Depending on the type of work you do perhaps you can prioritise the tasks and work out what you can do in your normal "reasonable" work hours. Where you feel tasks cannot be achieved in that time, raise it to your boss as a risk. Be firm in why you cannot work outside of your standard "reasonable" hours. It is his job to reallocate the work if it is unmanageable.

Here for you if you ever want to talk about what is happening with your Mum. I saw you are not comfortable opening up to family and friends. I wasn't either but was thankful for a colleague who I didn't know well who had been through a parent having cancer. It can help to talk. Here if you need.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Elizabeth CP]

I agree with what others have said. In particular I would advise against changing jobs until things settle down. 2 years ago I started a job which seemed perfect for me. Unfortunately my husband who I care for became seriously ill & hospitalized for 6 weeks. (Not cancer but the issues are similar) Following discharge we had ongoing medical visits, recurrent illnesses eventually further surgery which failed. Even though the job was good & staff were supportive juggling new job, taking multiple lots of carers leave or trying to juggle work to fit in work & caring was extremely stressful & I eventually resigned to care for my husband & allow myself time to recover from the stress. Based on my experience it would be better for you to stick with your current job even if that means taking carers leave if needed to help your mum. Once things settle & you are coping with your situation then try to find a new job.

[macadamianut]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I should've probably highlighted 'operable through surgery'. She had the surgery and the cancer was removed, but is undertaking preventative chemo. It's still not ideal, but there is light ahead for her once the treatment is over. Nonetheless it's horrible seeing your Mum in pain and struggling. But because I work around frequently sick people and students, particularly lately, I can't visit her at the moment because if she catches anything it could be dangerous.

My bosses have been understanding and supportive, and I'm coping a lot better than when she got the initial diagnosis. While they're lovely people, they're not good managers. Having a high stress job and a lot of chaos/pressure in the role is taking it's toll and I honestly can't take it anymore. I am coming up to two years in the role and the thought of staying longer feels unbearable. It's turning me into a miserable, grumpy person, and while I'm scared a new workplace could potentially even be worse, I feel it's worth risking given how unhappy I already am.

Thanks again for the advice. I really appreciate it. 🙂

[trustlife]

Go and have a coffee with a career head hunter and get an idea (without pressure) what uni roles are out there. Understand you may need to keep your distance from your Mum and that too is hard. It does sound though that you are slowing down a bit so fingers crossed now. Let us know how you are going.

[White_Rose]

Dear Macadamianut

Hello and welcome. I am sorry to hear your mom is so unwell. It's not a good place to be for either of you. Chemo is not joyride. My sister had ovarian cancer. She had several lots of surgery because the cancer kept growing back. It was hard for me because I am in Oz and she was in the UK. Her daughter came home to nurse her mom after every lot of chemo. So please make your mom your priority. I had breast cancer 18 months ago. Had surgery and then radiation. Not as bad as chemo but I was exhausted by it. Fortunately I have a lovely circle of friends who drove me to the radiation sessions every day for three weeks.

Work can be a good place to be. I enjoyed my last job very much but I also worked in places that were not good. As they say, get a job you like and never work again. Unless your mom has a fairly large support circle she is going to need your support for a while. We all know applying for jobs can be frustrating and tiring, so ease up on yourself. Yes I know you need to get away from your current employment but one step at a time really works.

The ex sounds like a pain and one you can do without. Leave him out of your life. Get on with living your own life one step at a time. What is the attraction for working at a uni? Can you do the same work elsewhere? Can you make a sideways move? Remain with your work but with a different employer? This may be easier to achieve just now and you may well find an organisation more suited to your needs. You will be better able to support your mom if you are more relaxed and happy. Uni can come later.

It doesn't matter how your problems compare to others. These are your difficulties and they are overwhelming you. I think Trustlife has a good idea about talking to someone in the uni arena.

I think you have included all the major events that lead to depression and/or anxiety in the past few months. Parent ill, moving house, medical problems, relationship breakup. Hardly surprising you are tired and generally unwell. It's not something you can manage just by willpower. That's making another stressor for you to cope with.

Lost Girl talked about lists and showed her list. Brilliant I thought. A variation on this is to write down all the things you feel you should do. A list like that in your first post, then ask yourself honestly how many of those items need to be accomplished immediately or even at all. Prioritize is the name of the game.

Mary

[macadamianut]

Thank you all. Great advice and I'm sorry to hear you've had sick loved ones too. It's very hard and emotionally exhausting.

Despite being tired after a not so great first week back at work including working 10 hours yesterday (gah), I did some volunteering animal work today and it made me get out of my head and just appreciate helping others (including the furry variation). Seeing some neglected girlfriends tomorrow which will be nice.

I emailed HR on Friday for some advice as I desperately want to move out of my role, whether it be a different role with the company or a resignation. Another girl in my team resigned last week if that's any indication of how terribly it is. I also have an interview next Wednesday after work doing a role I'd be a lot more suited to and passionate about. I guess we'll just see... As much as I can't stand my employer, I'm not sure more change is a good idea. But maybe it is if it'll make me happier. Who knows.

I'm feeling a bit better. Maybe it will just take a bit of time to adjust to returning to work, being single, my new place and Mum being sick. I don't cope well with stress and drastic change. Tbh I was thinking about going back on anxiety meds, but I feel like that wouldn't be solving the deeper issues. Counselling and psychs are so expensive and I've had so many unexpected costs recently.

Anywho. Thanks all again. It helps. 🙂

[White_Rose]

That's one of the problems of being unwell, the cost of regaining your health. Have you talked to your GP about medication lately? You are right of course, meds don't make you well and sometimes they may mask bits of your illness. Usually though antidepressants or other anxiety meds help you to find a stable background and use it as a launch pad to better health. It's always worth talking about if it will help. And you are not committed to taking it for the rest of your life.

You can of course ask your GP to set up a mental health plan for you which will give you an initial six appointments with a psychologist. Medicare pick up most of the tab, depending on the psych's pricing structure. Then, if the psych makes this recommendation, you can have another four sessions under the same conditions. Alternatively you can ask for counseling from organisations such as Relationships Australia and Anglicare. There may be other reputable organisations in your area. There is no fee or a small fee as I understand it.

Thirdly you can ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. The major amount of the fee is paid by Medicare in the same way as your GP visit, and you pay the gap fee. This gap fee varies depending on the psych. May be a good idea to discuss these options with your GP.I hope next week will be better. Good luck at your interview.

Mary