newbie here - any help would be helpful

[Crss]

Hi

I am a 34 teacher who is currently feeling very lonely. This loneliness started before COVID when I was a teenager whose friends kept moving on. Being part of a youth group felt like a cover where it's like I had many friends but in reality I had none. Being told that it is a natural part of life doesn't help as I feel its my fault. Now at 34 I struggle to keep the friends feeling that they will also move on. At the moment it's hard to get up. I find myself interacting with less people (even before COVID) I don't see the joy in the things that I used to love and it's hard to see the good the things I am currently doing.

I've never had a boyfriend and the hope of being loved like that dwindles each day. I feel like I am surrounded by women (in my job and in life) and have no interactions with men except those in my family. I hate it when people comment 'when are you getting married?' because I have tried to interact with men in the past but they have never seen me that way. I am afraid that I will be alone in life, surrounded by family BUT still alone.

My current job is stressful having taken a job that I thought would be fulfilling but is not.I feel like I have been pressured by my family to get a full time job as it is the normal thing to do. BUT felt like I left a perfectly good part time job that I loved to get this normal job which I (atm) hate. I feel like a fraud I have studied 2 degrees of education BUT I have not found this field fulfilling.

At the moment I am living at home with parents, they still think of me as a child. I know it is coming from a place of love BUT I find if suffocating and at times frustrating. My dad also suffers from anxiety and depression which sometimes is difficult to deal with. Sometimes I just feel like living in my room and not coming out because I don't want to deal with them. My brother will be moving out soon I am worried that I will be getting more depressed when its just my parents and I. I am worried that I will get more of the focus since I will be the only 'child' living there. I wish they would give me a little more freedom. I want to move away from home but that last time they did that they made me feel guilty about leaving them and not taking care of them.

Spend most of my time online or just in my room. It's the only place I feel at home. Feel like life is passing me by, that I am not living it but just staring at it afraid to move.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Rumples]

Hi there Crss,

First of all I want you to know that you're not alone. We're here to help you get through :0) It's such a brave thing you've done, reaching out like this and things can only get better from here.

Teacher! WOW. We do love our teachers. My daughter has a couple of friends who are teachers and some of the stories they tell us are real eye openers, so my heart goes out to you sweety.

OK, let's have a chat,shall we?

You mentioned you were feeling alone and that your friends kept moving on. Loneliness can be such a terrible thing and make you think and act out of character. Strange how interacting with people is a basic need we all have. I myself have been through long periods of depression and loneliness, so I can very much relate to what you're going through sweety. Just be aware that friends to com and go through our lifetime and only a few gems will last the distance. Is there anyone close you can talk to about how you're feeling?Have you considered talking to your family GP? Quite often they can be a wonderful guide to get you back on the right track again.

Loneliness and depression tend to go hand in hand. They do love our company it seems. Simple things like getting out of bed, showering and basic functions can sometimes just seem all too hard. Often, this will lead to isolating ourselves from others as interacting with them, even on a basic chat level is also a "I just couldn't be bothered" kind of event which soon becomes the norm. Eventually you start to begin what I called the "shedding process". This is where you stop doing the things you love/like. Music, reading, painting, whatever floats your boat silently and unnoticeable start falling off the radar until one day you realise "Hmmm I don't do this or that anymore".

Is there any particular reason you haven't yet had a boyfriend? Is it by choice, too busy or your families strict in that regard etc? Partners can often play a very positive role in our lives and help pick us up when we're down. can you talk with men or are you shy?

As for your current career, have you thought of finding something else that you might enjoy. Working in a job that you hate can only lead to disaster and unhappiness and only feed your depression.

Continued....

[Rumples]

You need to seriously think about moving out and starting your own life. Having your own little place where you're in control can be very beneficial. Staying in your room, that I understand. Spent MANY a day locked away in my sanctuary. It felt safe and I was in control of my environment. I wouldn't worry too much about that particular aspect just yet. You need to first look at the other more pressing things that are troubling you. You'll need somewhere to retreat to and feel safe.
As for spending a lot of time online, I fully understand that. What you're doing is distracting your mind from thinking about darker thoughts. It's perfectly natural and a coping mechanism many of us suffering depression rely on as a crutch.

Come back to me with your thoughts. Here's a BIG hug to get you through.

Your friend - Rumples xoxo

[Crss]

Thank you for replying Rumples ...

I will definitely consider talking to a GP. In terms of someone who can really talk to in regards to how I am feeling I don't have that person yet. Most of my friendships are not at that level yet. They are more catch up and chat type of people. I can relate to what you mean by shedding as I was quite a creative person before (music, art, dancing). But I guess these are things that I used to relate to with friends. Since I spend most of my time alone, I don't feel the need/motivation to practice them. I guess the enjoyment went when I didn't have anyone to do them with.

In terms of boyfriends etc, I don't feel I am shy to talk to men as I have interacted with them with ease. I feel that the friends and career that I have are more female centric. There are no opportunities to create friendships with males. We have 2 male teachers in our entire school and a handyman! My friends are all single females who have the same issue with men (they don't have male friends) or females who are married and don't have a lot time to spend with me.

I am only at the start of my career so I feel like bailing out now would mean years down the drain as I studied it. I don't know if I could do it but it doesn't mean that I have not thought about it. I would love to move out ... finding my way to try to do this. Housing/rent is quite expensive at the moment.

Thank you for the advice and for the time you're spending with me. Hugs are welcome and needed.

[Rumples]

Hello again Crss (BIG hug)

Thank you for coming back and talking. I really think that together, we can maybe get a handle on this.

I'd be sooo happy if you'd come back to me in the future and tell me you've had a D&M with your GP. It would be a real milestone in your recovery I believe.

Friends: Seeing you said you don't have "your person" to talk to about your feelings, how about I be that person. This way you can come back here and talk freely and openly as much or as little as you want without fear of being judged in any way, shape or form. We're all here to help and support you.

Shedding: Yes, it's a real eye opener when someone with experience suffering from depression starts explaining the different aspects of the condition. I myself used to love guitar, listening to music, watching old movies, visiting friends, bbq's and a whole range of other activities people take for granted. I used to describe as a smiling photograph of me projected on a big screen for all to see and every 60 seconds the projector light was dimmed just a fraction and so subtly that no one noticed the change, not even me. You keep doing that for a week and that image still looks like normal, until someone turns the light up again to where it first started and you see the image brighten. You're now aware a subtle change had been taking place, yet, you never noticed it. Now, project an image of your music, art and dancing on that screen and do the same. This time, not for a week, but for a year. The image will be gone in the end, however, you wouldn't have noticed it going as you saw what you thought was the normal image each day, getting darker and darker until it was gone and you forgot it was even there to begin with. That's depression to me. It takes everything you enjoy away, that's its mission.

In regards to meeting a boyfriend, you make a good point about working in a female dominated industry. It makes sense that your opportunities to meet someone would be somewhat limited. Do you go out to clubs etc? I suppose having minimal friends it would make this hard as no one wants to go out alone. Can you clarify this for me please.

Definitely keep the career change in mind. Not saying you should do it, but just keep the option open. The thought of a fresh start in a new career can in itself be quite a refreshing notion and instil a feeling of well being. Never give the dream 🙂

Back to you,

Rumples xoxo

[Emmen]

Hello Crss,

Wow, I can relate to a lot of what you've shared.

I used to live with my parents too until I was 29. In my case, it was largely because I came from a culture where that was the norm, so I didn't really have any options. I can understand that feeling of being treated like a child, and the way parents can make you feel guilty about wanting to move out. I was also single for the longest time. Like you, I was losing hope of ever being loved. I also hated my full-time job but enjoyed a part-time job unrelated to my degree that I held before.

I was also in the educational field then. What I did was to get a job in my university's hostel looking after the students. That gave me free lodging and, more importantly, reason to move out without being made to feel guilty (it's my job's requirements after all). Once I moved out, things just fell into place. My husband was at that time my close friend (I am not from Australia, we were actually long-distance friends for over a decade). But me moving out gave us the opportunity to spend more meaningful time together whenever he came to visit, so the relationship part fell into place too.

About the job, I was a little torn over whether I should make my degree worth it or follow my passion in the arts. Eventually what I did was to take a career break and pursue my passion for a couple of months. I earned way too little to make that work, so I eventually went back to my full-time job (which I hated) and pursued my interest voluntarily on the side. It actually made that job bearable, knowing I was earning to fund something I really wanted to do. It's not all perfect for me now, I left it all behind to be with my partner here so I'm still building things up from scratch. But I want to look at the positive side of things and have faith that with time, I will find my path.

Crss, you sound like you know what you want. You'd like to move out, you'd like to re-consider your career, find a partner...my advice to you would be to consider what your possible actions are with regards to each of these situations and see which of these you can reasonably achieve. You don't have to achieve all at the same time. Sometimes just one step can lead you to another and allow things to fall in place. Not to mention, taking that one step (however small) will give you more hope about your situation, because you'll feel like you have achieved something you want.

I hope by sharing my story, you feel less alone. All the best, Crss!