Never Safe

[jacq]

I'm writing here for the first time, I think mainly because I need to feel like I'm somehow connected to people who think, even remotely, like I do.

I've suffered from depression and anxiety for a long time. I was first diagnosed last year but I can't remember a time when I didn't have this feeling of sluggishness, discomfort, and most poignantly the feeling that I am unsafe. I've lived a perfectly good life, I'm from a middle class family, I've had a good education and now I'm approaching the end of my art degree. I paint, I sing, I teach music to children, I run a choir now, I have a partner, I live a perfectly good life. I do all the things people tell me will make me happy. I cannot mention that I am unhappy anymore because it feels like a burden and a bore. There's never change, unless it's getting worse, if it gets better I'm still sad and no one seems to understand. And besides, it doesn't add up, because I live a perfectly good life.

There are trauma points in my history, but I'm starting to think I made them for myself to compensate for my internal unease. I'm filled with shame and confusion and a constant desire to be honest in a defiantly dishonest society, which is what I am trying to ease by posting some of my story here. I know nobody wants to know, because this is an anonymous forum. No one who will read this cares about who I am, or will be affected by any differences I make on the planet, presumably.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've taken all the steps. I've been on medication, and nothing works for me, and besides I want a long term fix, not to permanently be reliant on drugs that change my chemistry. I can't be sure if I like myself because I don't have confidence in my own opinion, and I am not sure who I am anyway. I can't identify as anything. I'm female, and I'm male. I have more than one will and voice in my head. But because I love my family and the people around me I can never reveal the extent of the collapse of information in my head.

All I can be sure of is how I feel, because it's in the present. I feel love, I feel fear of losing that love. I am yearning for a purpose to my suffering. I need to know I am making something for this world that isn't negative, that contributes to humanity. But all I feel is loneliness. And shame. And then fear. And sometimes anger. But mostly it is just heavy, lethargic sadness. As soon as I am on my own, I am crushed. I can barely take this anymore.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Jacq,

I’d like to wish you a warm welcome to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here to provide your post.

You’ve mentioned quite a bit in your post and a few things, that if you don’t mind, I’d like to comment on and even pop back the odd question to you – just so we might be able to learn a bit more, so we’ll be better informed to try and provide even more appropriate responses back to you.

To start with, living a perfectly good life is a good start – believe me; but I’m hearing you loud and clear with your comments about the sadness and that things are never changing with your outlook – this is exactly what depression does to us.

Now, despite this being an anonymous forum, you will be very surprised about the people on here – we DO care for everyone who comes here and posts. More than you could believe and we take everyone in and treat them with the same care, compassion and when possible, advice or guidance (if we can). But above all else, we provide support. Ok, it’s not the same as if you were with someone who you can then lean on physically, etc, but our support is here and is 100% genuine. Because we don’t know you, it doesn’t change anything – we welcome openly everyone.

You talk about making a difference on the planet – that’s a huge call, but maybe I read it wrong. Yes, there are loads of people who can and will make differences to the larger portion of the world, but I think for the ‘garden variety folk’, while we won’t make huge impacts on the world, we WILL make impacts on our own world. This then transcends to people who know and people who love us. Just by us being here, we are impacting others – we breathe, therefore we are. I hope that makes some sense.

A long term fix is what we all would love, but I think with depression it’s an over-riding issue where it’s something that we have to live with; and by integrating all different methods of support to us, that is how we are best going to get by. I also believe that medication is definitely one of those mechanisms.

Another major positive is where you wrote how you love your family and the people around you. Keep hold of that and don’t ever let that go.

I guess I haven’t asked too many questions, but one is: do you work? Oh and when you say family, is that your immediate family? Do you have your own partner/children?

I would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[blondguy]

Hello Jacq

My name is Paul and Welcome. I can actually 'feel' your pain inbetween your words as well as reading them. Being in the dark place you are is like having a heavy blanket placed over your head and not being able to find your way. It is a dreadful place to be.

Neils advice is heartfelt and accurate. We actually DO care a great deal about who you are otherwise we would not be part of the forums. I am actually glad I sat down and have the opportunity to speak to an intelligent well articulated person like yourself jacq.

I have had depression/anxiety for many years and understand the dark place you are in right now. I have been on AD's since 1997 that work well and have provided me with a platform for me to help my self heal with my doc.

You have done well by taking the steps for your depression which many people dont. If I may ask you Jacq..do you still have a doc/therapist that you see on a regular basis? (just trying to help) I hope you do as they can really help us find 'some' peace in times of distress.

It would be great if you could write back Jacq.

My Kind Thoughts to You

Paul