Need advice on dealing with strong emotions

[resistor]

Hi. I'm not quite sure which forum to put this in, but since all my symptoms lead back to depression I hope this is the right place. Apologies if not.

I've been living with depression for at least two decades, most of that time untreated. I was also self harming most of that time, but managed to painstakingly reduce & eventually stop that harmful activity, I haven't hurt myself for the past 4 years.

Lately I've had enormous stress and try manage it with exercise, but it feels insurmountable & developed a habit of picking at threads in clothing or bedding until they come apart!

Keeping my fingers busy as I'm sacred of reverting to old bad habits. I have ruined shirts, tops, bedding. If there's a thread I'll go for it. I find this destructive act cathartic, but still destructive.

Working in the day is no problem either. But when resting at night, and my thoughts catch up with me, is when my fingers go to town.

My next appointment  with my councillor is over 3 weeks away, but I can't wait around while I ruin my things.

Do anyone have ideas to keep your hands busy? I'm looking for healthy activities until I make my next appt.

Thank you. R.

[indigo22]

Hi resistor,

It can be difficult recognising what you are feeling, especially in the beginning. You are already doing this, by naming the feelings of overwhelm and depression, it is a matter of digging deeper to the causes of those feelings.

For example, can you recall what caused you to feel depressed in the first place? Perhaps it was a traumatic event, or a loss, identifying the reason is a good place to start. Once you have identified the reason, try to identify what emotions you were feeling at that time. Maybe it was sadness, disappointment, fear, etc.

Also do the same with your feelings of overwhelm, identifying why that began.

To give you an idea, when I was 12 years old, my father said he would not support me in what I knew I was born to do with my life. His words left a deep wound which left me with feeling I was not good enough, undeserving, that my desires where unimportant. Had I not been a sensitive child, I might have not listened to his words and just done what I wanted to. This is where my depression began. So the emotions where lack of self worth, lack of self esteem, disappointment, feeling under valued by someone I loved.

During my life, I have had many losses that over time wore down my resilience. I found myself with no family at the age of 51 and I was completely overwhelmed by all I had been through. At this time I was not only dealing with the depression but also fear of what my future would be like with no family, no partner, no children. I also felt betrayed by actions of members of my family, as a consequence was really angry for a couple of years. This was also due to not being given the right to express my emotions as I was growing up, I had pushed them down, and they all came out in the 2 years. When we turn our emotions inward, instead of allowing them to be expressed, we can develop a kind of self loathing. I was angry with them for sure, but I was mostly angry with myself for allowing it to happen.

I still struggle with overwhelm when something in my life goes awry. One of the reasons for this has to do with the nervous system response. If the nervous system is in a constant state of dysregulation (fight, flight, freeze) or alert, our thinking mind does not work properly, our bodily functions are affected and we can feel drained and fatigued.

It may be that the counsellor you are seeing is not a good fit for you, but give it a couple of sessions to see how you feel. Let your gut inform you, it is rarely wrong. Sometimes it can take a few tries before finding the right person. In the meantime, make use of the help lines when you need to talk in real time, that's why they are there and what you experience with these calls may help you decide if your counsellor is a good fit. People on the help lines may be able to direct you to services in your area that may help during the time between psych visits.

We will be here also, but this is not real time oriented so please do make use of the help lines when needed.

I hope this is of help, I know it's difficult and I feel for you but hang in there,

indigo 

[resistor]

Hi Indigo

Thank you for sharing part of your story. It made me feel sad to read about your struggle. Your story is also very encouraging, since it shows me that it is possible to be happy again, despite how we feel. So thank you.

Unfortunately I am very far way from identifying the first cause of my depression. That must have been around 30 years ago. Having had an anxiety-ridden childhood there were many days I spent in a haze which forgot about. I will have to work on this 🙂

I have decided to see another counsellor, I have one lined up already.

Thanks again.