Navigating Deep Depression, Agoraphobia & Deteriorating Health

[Ponder]

My purpose in creating this thread is to discover a safe space where I can freely express my inner struggles, while also seeking ways to alleviate the ongoing psychological and physical distress I experience. This perspective may resonate more with individuals who tend to retreat in response to extroverted expressions. However, I wholeheartedly welcome those who can relate to such profound emotions.

My primary intention is not merely seeking sympathy or commiseration; instead, my goal is to uplift myself from the deep hole I currently find myself in. My struggles with morbid obesity and experiencing signs of a looming heart attack have been daunting. I even had a mild one before, but I resisted seeking medical help due to feeling misunderstood. Being reduced to just a panic disorder in the community's eyes, with multiple diagnoses, hasn't been beneficial for me, and it only adds to my depression.

Today's industry and its clinical approaches haven't resonated with me, as I've operated differently for many decades. I prefer not to adhere to any particular narrative or advocate specific ways of survival in this confining world. My aim isn't to tell others what to do, but rather to explore and influence my own path. Perhaps, this thread will serve as an outlet for this purpose if it endures, or if I choose to continue sharing.

Lately, the cycles of despair have been getting longer, and I find myself wrestling with a tight chest every night, both psychologically and physically deteriorating. Despite having plenty of support, I struggle to find conventional methods that truly resonate with me.

I hope to write about the various strategies I plan to adopt, as I embark on the journey to overcome this latest extreme cycle. At times, even simple tasks like mowing my own front lawn feel challenging, and I no longer concern myself with the notions of right or wrong. Perhaps, the government could provide assistance, but I fear it might only lead to further disempowerment or unwanted confrontations.
Admittedly, I write better in the mornings, and I am uncertain if this format suits me well. Nevertheless, this seems to be my only outlet to reach out and express myself.

[yggdrasil]

Hi Ponder, 

Apologies for the slow reply, I'm in the final months of my PhD and that is taking up all my writing stamina. I'm glad you got your views out there about the system and your experiences of it. First hand reports from end-users are vital for improvement. I'm also glad you've found a more regular platform 🙂 Wishing you the best over the coming months 🙂

[Ponder]

Thanks  yggdrasil, It was a pleasant surprise to see you pop up in my email. I'm 47 days into living clean after a recent heart attack at home. I've lost 14 to 15kg in that time, which included a 5 day water fast to reset my body. I'm logging in daily on another mental health forum that has a more suitable work flow for the likes of me.  I do so hope you are doing well and also wishing you very very best.  🙂

[Emotions26]

Hello Ponder and yggdrasil,

I have just found this piece under the heading of:

Navigating Deep Depression, Agoraphobia & Deteriorating Health

Found accidentally as I find most articles on the forums.

I can relate to some of what you both have written and of course have my own life experiences and so on.

You do both write well and have a connection that is unique to your corresponding to each other in such a way that I feel and sense a bond of sorts if that is acceptable for me to write to both of you.

You have not written for some time though and I do hope that is due to busy lives even if only from busy minds.

Reading correspondence like this reaffirms why I return to the forums even after long periods away.

Thank you Ponder for your honesty, intelligence, awareness and that beautiful subtle humour that you slip in between the lines.

As for labels I love the way you dissected them and laid them bare to how inconsequential they can be.

They belong in text books that should really not be continually referred to and certainly not applied to individuals seeking help for struggling.

A hospital stay where I spoke to a person in the "wellness" programme proved extremely interesting for me far from what I anticipated.

I was asking this person questions about structured programmes and explaining that they would not benefit me in the least as I had already done much training in such closed thinking throughout my working career.

She responded by telling me that I was the sanest person whom she had ever met within such facilities. My style of speaking was beautiful and not parrot fashion or stilted in the least. I did not sound like the pack. I was speechless having been told for the majority of my life that I take too long to say anything, I speak too softly and when I pause to think people believe that I have finished speaking!  

She then said "Do not let them pathologise you here!!! Do not change a thing about yourself!"

Did I  dream this????

A spiritual visit?

Whatever it shifted something inside of me.

Why am I waffling on about this. I too am highly sensory, direct and extremely honest. I am somewhere in the autism range but have no desire to find out where.

My father was also different, unique and to me shone like a bright star amidst zillions

I abhor labels as they do not take into account the actual person.

I would say to you Ponder

Do not change who  you are to possibly help others feel better.  They have to work on that themselves otherwise it is meaningless

As for yourself keep on being you and observe how individual you truly are which is beautiful 

Take care all

Ems