Navigating Deep Depression, Agoraphobia & Deteriorating Health

[Ponder]

My purpose in creating this thread is to discover a safe space where I can freely express my inner struggles, while also seeking ways to alleviate the ongoing psychological and physical distress I experience. This perspective may resonate more with individuals who tend to retreat in response to extroverted expressions. However, I wholeheartedly welcome those who can relate to such profound emotions.

My primary intention is not merely seeking sympathy or commiseration; instead, my goal is to uplift myself from the deep hole I currently find myself in. My struggles with morbid obesity and experiencing signs of a looming heart attack have been daunting. I even had a mild one before, but I resisted seeking medical help due to feeling misunderstood. Being reduced to just a panic disorder in the community's eyes, with multiple diagnoses, hasn't been beneficial for me, and it only adds to my depression.

Today's industry and its clinical approaches haven't resonated with me, as I've operated differently for many decades. I prefer not to adhere to any particular narrative or advocate specific ways of survival in this confining world. My aim isn't to tell others what to do, but rather to explore and influence my own path. Perhaps, this thread will serve as an outlet for this purpose if it endures, or if I choose to continue sharing.

Lately, the cycles of despair have been getting longer, and I find myself wrestling with a tight chest every night, both psychologically and physically deteriorating. Despite having plenty of support, I struggle to find conventional methods that truly resonate with me.

I hope to write about the various strategies I plan to adopt, as I embark on the journey to overcome this latest extreme cycle. At times, even simple tasks like mowing my own front lawn feel challenging, and I no longer concern myself with the notions of right or wrong. Perhaps, the government could provide assistance, but I fear it might only lead to further disempowerment or unwanted confrontations.
Admittedly, I write better in the mornings, and I am uncertain if this format suits me well. Nevertheless, this seems to be my only outlet to reach out and express myself.

[yggdrasil]

I'm glad! The back story is that I read a study ages back which concluded that mental health programs for Aboriginal kids had much better outcomes if they were paired with elements of traditional Aboriginal culture... I'm not Aboriginal but I wondered if something equivalent would work for me. So I started reading all the norse mythology from my childhood and that gave me the name. Fast forward a few years and I now think some "spirituality" and traditional culturw can greatly help with mental health. It gives you an identity separate form achievements etc.

On another note have you ever tried writing poetry? Have a free form sort of thought process can be an asset with poetry.

Thanks again for this thread 🙂

yggdrasil

[Ponder]

@yggdrasil, Very Cool, do you have Norse ancestry?

Likewise, thanks for sharing. FWIW, I’ve integrated with aboriginal culture on equal playing ground regular attending mission communities outside and in-between rural towns. I even used to attend church meetings at one of the missions during my early teens. My step father was a rural doctor who did house calls and set up a mobile clinic. I would eat with the elders and play at different households when not swimming in the nearest creek. In my late teens and early twenties, I acquired much of their lingo and ended up speaking with a similar accent and manner to some extent.

They were undoubtedly different times. Surprisingly I met my wife in Sydney, the least likely place for someone like me. Despite convincing her to experience rural living, the arrival of children and the onset of her primary progressive autoimmune disability have confined me to the suburbs, negatively impacting my natural state of being. Suffice to say, my experiences from mission camps, to sleeping under rural bridges and finally on city streets, seem like a lifetime ago - back in the early 80s. Apart from the geographic shift into a concrete abyss, the very nature of how we all interact has driven a wedge between not only families in general, but everyone, at least from what I can see.

Regarding the Cosmic Tree, I believe it represented the tree of life on the facility window of an NDIS group I used to attend. The group was led by an aboriginal woman who remains actively involved in arts and crafts with different NDIS clients. I vividly recall her enthusiasm in getting that tree decaled on the window. Looking back, had I known what I know now after researching your username, I would have surely made that a talking point with her.

I understand the value of cultural ties, though I believe many past benefits have been lost in today's great divide. Personally, I am cautious about limiting programming that has existed since ancient times, regardless of any claims to my DNA. As for thinking I am one of the anointed 144,000 protected during times of tribulation and judgment, I credit my mom with a sense of humor for such a thought. 😄

In my view, spiritual awareness from personal experiences feels more genuine and beneficial than mere hopes and claims. Although each person’s knowing is truth enough for them.
I'll try my hand at poetry topic in my next write-up, maybe tomorrow morning.

Nice to see you again. TY. 

[Ponder]

I've been having late nights, and procrastination has been plaguing my attempts to get into a rhythm. I am on track, with no overly large expectations. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a new doctor. It's an outreach service, but I'll be attending the clinic to see him. They only have one doctor, and the appointment is scheduled for the latter part of the day. I'm not sure what I will aim for, as I tend to ignore testing procedures, viewing them as part of the dehumanizing conveyor belt experience. Some doctors today even send patients away for minor issues like skin tags, which is a sad sign of the times. I refuse to be treated like that. Either they do the job themselves, or I will find a way to handle it 'myself.'

I don't particularly like medications, but I do like to keep an emergency supply of PRN on hand. I might have to see how the doctor reacts to that. Also, I don't respond well to frontline workers who judge me when I ask for meds. As soon as they do that, I'm inclined to say, "I don't like meds anyways, but we are done here." I prefer to cut off from people and services if they treat me judgmentally. The Australian system has become overly controlled when it comes to medications, and it bothers me greatly. It feels like the country is driven by money, and even the most basic things are subject to excessive control.

Such is my main reason why I look not to rely meds. The dependence on such a system is toxic at best, especially for someone like me. I don't like pain, but I'm not afraid of death. It amuses me to think how society preaches on anxiety and fear, yet also instils fear in people about their inevitable end.

Tonight's thoughts are a bit rambling, but it's no big deal. I'm just being honest.

[Ponder]

Talking about it could be a double-edged sword, but yeah, I'm feeling anxious about seeing this new doctor. Continued discussions regarding my anxiety might exacerbate my nerves.

Having already conveyed legitimate challenges concerning the degradation of basic communication and human commodification, being its own hurdle and adding to depression and anxiety, I also concede that the ‘background of a prejudicial traumatic childhood’: ‘tag,’ associated with my assigned CcPTSD (Chronic Complex PTSD) label, is valid enough and certainly continues to impact me, especially in rigid sterile environments.

It’s important for me to understand the contrast here, as doing so allows me to ‘catch’ the ‘automated/involuntary negative thought patterns that lead to a strong desire to escape, public episodes & avoidance issues that regularly limit my choices and my health.

Unfortunately, professionals who do not have the time or desire to work with me lean towards their own involuntary predisposition when interacting with the likes of me. Long appointments seem to do little when the right hand does not know what the left is doing. Sadly, that tendency leads to complacent interactions where stigma does more the processing for all involved. It’s convenient for frontline workers to quickly assess and make directives based on their own limits, which again, for me, is separate from another reality not so well respected or understood when I frequent such facilities.

Already I digress. I do and I don’t. But see how easily it can be for one to take such an observation and deny external challenges unrelated to stigmatizing autism and mental health issues and thus deny the very real challenges resulting from a long history tagged as a ‘background of a prejudicial traumatic childhood.’

There is a strong conflict here where each dynamic plays off on one another. I not only see myself struggling with it but also everyone else in a hierarchical system that tends towards complacency, especially for those existing on overwhelmed lower levels. 

I’ll be my usual reserved self when presenting this evening and focus on a script based on an earlier psychiatric-approved drug. I’ll simply refer to the provided documentation with my several labels and request that the doctor simply cross-reference pharmaceutical dispensary logs, all things related to concerns of addiction and doctor hopping. That’s just one of many dynamics where I have zero tolerance for complacent attitudes on the lower levels.

[Ponder]

The doctor's visit was a success. Writing has helped. TY. During this first visit, I received my usual PRN, and in addition to that, the doctor recommended another PRN for panic attacks. The general PRN is for situational crises, while the new one is specifically for situations like community access and stressful engagements such as the first point of contact. I provided several medical reports, all dated chronologically, along with side notes that highlight important points, which was well received.

My first appointment lasted about 1 hour and 45 minutes. The doctor actually read and noted quite a lot of detail in several reports. This is something I have never experienced before. I'm not a fan of comfort dogs, but because of the extra focus on mental health, I simply just allowed the unsolicited attention. I afforded the dog a pat, and then he left me alone. I do have an inside dog at home who is a family member, but in general, I like to be left alone when going out.

Apparently, my heart rate was doing 105 when just sitting there and casually talking. Or at least as far as casually talking goes for me. In addition to the PRN, I was given a blood test on-site and an additional script of medication. I don't think I needed a script for that medication, but at least I won't forget.

After hearing my story, talking with my support person, it was understood that I have issues and avoid following up with medical tests. Because he talked to me like I am a human being, I'd consider listening to him if he thought anything was serious. He actually seemed to care and understood my challenges.

It was mentioned that this service is primarily aimed towards the aboriginal community, but they're widening their door for people with complex needs. I responded with the information three posts back, explaining there was little difference in the challenges I myself had faced, and was right at home among said community. He seemed very intrigued while he kept reading my reports and acknowledging. All in all, I'd say I am lucky to have found this kind of service. He asked how I found their service. Best I could recollect was my wife reaching out to find someone to come to our house and give a vaccine shot. All in all, I would say I am a good fit, and by the time I finished my first appointment, he was handing out cards for the rest of the family. I'm sure that was with genuine intent and I was appreciative.  Thx again for the space. It's definatly helping me. ☼ 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

[Ponder]

DAY TWO | Healthier Eating Choices. I'm not fond of blood-thinning medications but grasp the message clearly. PRN set aside, hoping for longer intervals between crises situations. As for the panic attack medication, another PRN, it's new to me. Note again, not a medication fan, yet might try it for intense appointments causing heightened states. Fortunately, fainting is rare. The better I know my supports personally, contact points and routines in familiar settings, the less there will be a need.

PRN usage for me only occurs when physically unable to endure, confidence gone and fear prevailing. Even then I prefer not to take PRN because I don’t like asking and feel worthless when putting hand to mouth knowing I could be making better choices and feel ashamed I am so broken I can’t cope. At least this doctor does not mind me asking or does not make me feel ashamed. A+ Detoxing ongoing, hydration significantly increased. Not fully cold turkey, though it suits me. In short, I know what to do, but lost willpower. Feeling sufficiently okay to begin listing days as Day 1, Day 2, and so on. Amidst ailing fatigue and detox fatigue, grateful for enough desire to motivate. Time to quit regardless of the negative pull; a reality check to contemplate in another post.

Now, looking forward to Day three, needing relaxation for detox. No coffee, black tea, salt, sugar, etc. No pressure. Doctor's visit provided a good start. 'General' practitioners struggle to communicate with me. Meeting someone genuinely invested in their work at lower levels makes a significant difference. Hoping the Doc notices the change during my next visit, regardless of declining blood thinners. Keeping that option open, but my reboot is my preferred path.

Not big on goal setting, but for now, aiming to revert to the anti-inflammatory diet I followed for several years. Stopped due to a crisis, similar to quitting smoking. Quit smoking 16 years ago, after a few attempts. So I know I have it in me to stop killing myself with poor choices. Time to regain control.

[Ponder]

Day 4 | Navigating Plant-Based Eating Amidst Misunderstandings: My Encounter with a Concerning Doctor's Response:

The term 'vegan' would have been my choice, but a recent encounter with a GP has led me to title this post around plant-based eating. This decision stems from the doctor's eyebrow-raising response when I mentioned my intention to adopt a vegan diet, leaving me uneasy about potential conflicts as I dive into this transition.

My most recent visit to the doctor had its positives, yet a particular response lingered in my mind. When I revealed my plans, the doctor's immediate query, "Do you have an ED?" caught me off guard. This stark and seemingly misplaced question left me disconcerted. While I acknowledge the complexities of his profession, I couldn't help but question the appropriateness of his assumption.

While I hold appreciation for the doctor's focus on mental health, this experience serves as a reminder not to relinquish my autonomy in decision-making. The perplexity of why some equate a vegan diet with an eating disorder underlines a prevailing misconception. I will concede though, that while some individuals may achieve equilibrium through a vegan lifestyle, it's evident that those grappling with an ED and 'body dysmorphia' are at high risk when entering into a vegan diet.

The doctor's underestimation of my determination and the manner in which he disregarded my intentions continue to haunt me as I navigate the early stages of my detox phase. These sentiments crystallize the foundation of my assertion that his response was 'unhelpful.' The term 'tactless,' which briefly crossed my mind, fails to fully capture the impact of his words.

A silver lining emerges from this incident. The doctor's stark response has ignited a renewed commitment to self-empowerment, drawing upon my own previously dismissed experiences.

NOTE* I find myself squarely in the early stages of detox. While I continue to nourish myself with wholesome meals, grappling with the withdrawal symptoms as my body breaks down large stores of toxins, is proving to be quite demanding. These challenges surface during both sleep and waking hours. Yesterday I got in 16500 steps. This morning I am sipping homemade ginger tea. Breakfast will include steel cut oats & prunes.
My salad includes more ingredients than characters permitted in this post. Now I chuckle at the doctors unwitting tact. He’ll improve as he gets to know me. I’ll improve doing what I know what works for me.

[yggdrasil]

Thanks for your reply 🙂 I don't know much about my ancestry, only that most of my grandparents and great-grandparents were from the UK, so I figured anglo -> norse but that's probably a bit simplistic. I also like ancient Greek mythology. There's a great podcast called "Mythology" that tells myths and legends from around the world - it's produced by a group called Parcast. It's on Spotify I think.

Reading you're subsequent posts I'm glad to hear writing has helped, and you've found a good service that connects with your own life history and experiences. Regarding your plans to try and eat healthier I cannot emphasise enough how important this was for me and my own mental health. I used to eat a block of chocolate a day, drink huge amounts of coffee etc etc. Now I eat much much better, and try to avoid caffeine and lots of sugar altogether. It made a huge difference. You can do it gradually over a number of years, slowly finding new equilibriums in your lifestyle and diet that are sustainable - but don't beat yourself up, having those treats occasionally can also be good for your overall wellbeing. Also I've been vegetarian or vegan for over 10 years, and the only problem I've encountered was low B12 - easily fixed with a supplement (lots of soy milks include it).

I understand you're feelings about the frontline staff. I am so grateful for them and the work they do, but sometimes the inherent high demand nature of their work can leave you feeling a little bit invisible, particularly if you're a quiet person. I hope you have some good experiences with the program you mentioned. 

All the best,

yygdrasil

[Ponder]

Hello again Yggdrasil, it's good to see you once more.

My interactions with frontline workers have revealed to me that while the overwhelming circumstances they face contribute, stigma remains a significant aspect of the issues surrounding neglect and abuse. My worry is not centered around mere visibility, but rather the experiences of being patronized, confronted, and demeaned. These instances often occur when one is under observation, even if not comprehended fully. The essence of this issue goes beyond time constraints and leans more towards a sense of disrespect.

I've previously employed the term "complacency," which, in my view, effectively captures the essence of stigma. It encapsulates the gradual oppression that persists over time, all the while reflecting the values ingrained within our society. Instead of having true healers, we now witness the emergence of self-serving practitioners operating along assembly lines.

Even with what I've shared so far, I've merely scratched the surface of my thoughts. I have a letter from the hospital requesting my story, which adds another layer to the situation. I recognize now that my use of the term "frontline workers" might inadvertently imply a certain indoctrination, which was not my intention. My perspective has evolved; I believe this issue to be an epidemic, one among many.

I have been as much as abused by ideals people raise outside their hoses on flag poles. Whilst in the trenches and on the frontlines I am consistently wounded by my so-called own side. I no longer participate and in that choice once again find myself being patronized, confronted, and demeaned across all the lines from front to back in a world that challenged me in the street screaming I am a coward.

The way in which people behave like so is not as forceful as others, yet is does as much damage. The problem runs deep and not isolated to a few but many.

Forgive my unwavering view on this topic. I know that take is well understood by a silent majority but are unable to speak let alone breath. There take is narrated for them but not in a way that reflects their truth.

Apologies but the elements spoken hear have play a lot into the irony of being unwell and therefore better out than in.

I do hope this finds you well. I have some thoughts re the healthy eating and mythology but again felt it was necessary to let this out as respectfully as I can.

Time for my early morning walk.

[Ponder]

Time to move on. I've found another space that's a little more steady when outputting posts. I'm getting into a routine now where consistency is important to me. Take care Yggdrasil.