I think I've been depressed since a very young age.

tapeace · ‎18-09-2023

hi everyone, it's my first post so please forgive any mistakes I might make in where I am posting or what I am asking. I think I have had depression for so long that it feels normal. I don't feel overly sad, in fact I would rate myself pretty happy go lucky. growing up I was always at every party, never part of the drama, always felt I had a very grounded view on things. if a friend hurt me I would understand and get over it very quickly. I know I have no self-esteem. I've never thought my issues were important. I was abused as a child and have never told a single soul, I've never really felt pain from that just blocked it out. I still see the person who did it and have a very normal relationship with him. I had absolutely no motivation or care about the future for as long as I can remember, but no anxiety about it either. As I've gotten older in life (now near 40) I've spent the last 2 years in bed watching TV. getting up to do what I had to do (feed my son or get him ready for school), completely secluded myself from everyone of my friends and I don't even miss them. it's been months since I've done basic things like showering and brushing my teeth. but I still don't feel sad or anxiety or worried or cry. has anyone else dealt with anything similar?

mmMekitty · ‎18-09-2023

Hello tapeace & welcome to the forums

I can certainly relate to realising I must have been depressed since I was a teenager, at least, maybe earlier, & to having low to no self-esteem.

I had times when I didn't bathe or shower for the purposes of cleaning myself, but it's always been that once in the bath or shower, it felt good. I also had a long period of time when I neglected my teeth, hair, other aspects of my appearance, diet, - it was that I simply didn't care, which means I didn't care for or about myself.

Let me tell you now, tapeace, how sorry I am for the abuse you had to endure. If you don't know yet, I can tell you without a doubt, it was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Nothing you did caused him to abuse you. There is no excuse for him treating you that way.

Your way of blocking it out was the way you protected yourself.

I used to think I could keep my memories, thoughts & feelings of the past I'd endured from my mind, & I drifted about like a leaf in the breeze, from one horrible relationship to another, or at best, living on my own. I still prefer living alone.

I don't recall ever feeling comfortable socially. Have not had many friends, & have tended not to keep them when I did have a few.

I've done a lot of work over decades, because there came a time when I couldn't hold everything back. I felt I had no choice but to get help & learn ways of managing my feelings & thoughts, ways of living with my past, such as it was, & the fractured relationships with family members.

It came down to me deciding I didn't want to live a life of one mess after another, of my feelings & thoughts seemingly out of control, & not able to go back into my state of neutrality & indifference. I wanted that, still do sometimes, but that is unrealistic for me.

I finally am learning I am a worth-wile person, that we all are, evey one of us. Whatever the abuse I endured, it was not your fault. What I do now about the effects is for me to decide.

I can't tell you what to do.

I'd like to ask if you'd like to feel some joy, excitement, amusement, pride, enthusiasm for the day ahead, or being out with your son? Anything? Would you like to feel something more than what you do now?

If you do, you can, with a lot of work, with the help of a therapist of some kind. You could begin with an appointment with a GP, to tell them what's going on.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

indigo22 · ‎20-09-2023

Hi tapeace,

Thank you for reaching out and telling us a little about yourself. Like yourself and mmMekitty, I have been through many of the feelings you describe. I was not diagnosed with depression until my 40s, but it started at about 12 years old. We can push things down for only so long but eventually they will keep coming up until we deal with them, I believe that is where you are now and it would be in your best interest to take the next steps and look into it further. As mmMekitty suggested, talk to your GP or you can start with one of the help lines (Beyond Blue or others) to get some advice and support, but please do something to start the ball rolling. We will be here for you when you need to talk, you are not alone.

Take care,

indigo22

sbella02 · ‎20-09-2023

Tapeace,

Welcome to the forums, we're happy to have you. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience, and that you've been feeling like this for a long time. You deserve to be happy - happy in life, happy with yourself, and happy with others.

I'm sorry to hear about the abuse that you suffered as a young child. Regardless of the kind of abuse, or how long it went on for, nobody should have to deal with that. Those kinds of experiences also stay with you for a long time. If you have the opportunity or feel comfortable, seeing a GP, therapist, or psychologist can help unpack what you have faced and how you may be able to manage the pain that you still feel as a result.

I've struggled with the same kind of state that you've described here, where you feel like you can't get up or don't have the motivation to do routine, everyday tasks. Small steps are best for this - whatever you can do to give yourself a small sense of achievement or satisfaction, whether it's making your bed, or getting dressed for the day. Be kind to yourself during this time, and remind yourself that it's okay to not feel okay. You may even find it a good idea to reward yourself if you do some of those bigger tasks.

Do you have any other hobbies, passions, or interests from when you were younger that you could start up again? For instance, I quite enjoy painting, singing, and creative writing. Perhaps if you're sitting in bed watching TV, you could bring a book with you and try reading a few pages while the TV's on in the background, or if you enjoy crosswords, you could bring one of them with you instead. You can start off with smaller activities and when you're feeling up to it, take yourself on a lovely walk or maybe try out a sport if you'd like. It's entirely up to you and what you feel like you can comfortably achieve.

I hope this is helpful advice, and feel free to continue chatting with us.

All the best, SB