Hi there, After 10 years of impulse control issues leading to ruined
relationships and a tarnished reputation, I am struggling so bad with
the person I am. I loathe myself. But I cannot break this cycle. I've
joined this forum as I desperately need h...
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Hi there, After 10 years of impulse control issues leading to ruined
relationships and a tarnished reputation, I am struggling so bad with
the person I am. I loathe myself. But I cannot break this cycle. I've
joined this forum as I desperately need help. When I was younger and
single, I used to engage with as many women online as possible. Some
nights would see me under the influence with all inhibitions lowered,
starting online chats with upwards of 100 different women while
pleasuring myself. The the sole intention was to find women who found me
attractive and would want to engage sexually with me. 9 times out of 10
though, I would never actually pursue anything more than this online
engagement. Once I had finished pleasuring myself, I'd feel disgusting,
delete all traces of the conversations and try to go about my life.
Unfortunately this led to me engaging with women I shouldn't have been
(friends ex-girlfriends, ex-girlfriends friends etc.) as the more high
risk it was, the more appealing and thrilling it was, but then the worse
I felt after. The way I conduct myself online is the complete opposite
as to who I am in person (somewhat shy, very kind and caring and
gentleman-like). Nowadays, it is still something I engage in despite
having a loving girlfriend I want to be with. It isn't as prominent as
how I used to be but it's still a big part of me and I just want to end
it. I loathe myself for still doing this. I just want to stop. It's a
lot more vicious when under the influence but still something that
happens when I'm sober. It's like a have 2 personalities; the
destructive personality with no impulse control who has no morals and
values... then the other personality that is left to pick up the pieces
after the other personality has caused all the damage. I hate this, I am
so ashamed of myself and hate that despite being so self-aware, I cannot
break this cycle for the life of me. I just want a life where I feel no
guilt, I conduct myself in a way that I'm proud of, I'm not always
looking over my shoulder to see if my destructive behaviour is catching
up to me. Thanks so much for listening to my rant; I'm desperate to be a
good person.