Lonely, lost, can't take much more

[Freyryn]

Hi, I don't really know where to begin, I am new to this sort of thing. 

I am miserable, I have no friends, my family have disowned me and everyone I ever get close to gives up on me. I get it, I can be pretty depressing, I can't help it, I just share too much sometimes and I find it really really hard to be happy and cheerful.

As I am writing this, I'm pretty sure I've just lost someone else, my partner won't return my texts or calls, he always does and I have a feeling that it's happening all over again.

A bit about me, I'm 38 years old and have been moving around most of my life, I have never really settled anywhere. I find it near impossible to make friends, I don't really get people and they don't really get me. I have been hurt more times than I'd like to admit and I'm at the point now where I don't even bother anymore. I can't take anymore pain.

I have gained nearly 30 kilos in just over a year since my surgery and I hate myself for it. I'm transgender and in deep stealth, not even my partner knows. I can't tell anyone as being open about it has cost me nearly everything, and as much as people are more accepting these days it's just a hell of a lot easier to keep it a secret, the hate is real. Problem is I'm constantly afraid that that secret will come out and that fear coupled with the loneliness is driving me crazy. I cry pretty much everyday, I get crippling migraines and thoughts of just pulling the plug. Any medical professional I try and explain things to doesn't care and doesn't understand. I have tried antidepressants and they did nothing. I don't want to die but my life seems pointless, no one will miss me when I'm gone.

As I am writing this, I realize how pathetic I must seem and I should be doing this that or the other. I have tried many things but the problem is I just don't see the point, all I want is someone to love and for someone to love me and I can't see that ever happening, I have been tossed aside, ignored, abused and abandoned my whole life, how am I supposed to believe that I am worthy of love.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, I guess I just had to get it out. All I know is I'm really struggling at the moment, I'm finding it hard to go to work or to even think straight. I'm under a lot of financial stress, I can't afford therapy and honestly I've tried it in the past and nothing has changed. I need someone that cares about me and the reality is that no one does and why should they. Sorry for being so depressing.

[Earth Girl]

Hi Freyryn,

I'm so sorry to hear all this, especially the part about your family disowning you. 😞

You have the right to feel this way, anyone going through all of this would likely be very depressed. I can kind of relate to a degree because I don't get along with my family except somewhat my younger sister, but she shuts me out these days and I don't have any friends.

All I can really think of for advice is, maybe the next time you meet someone, try to open up more slowly. I know it will be hard because you have been so lonely for so long but I've learnt that it's best to do this sort of thing more gradually. I sometimes tell people I've just met a bit about my life story or what I'm currently going through and it just doesn't seem to work out that well. I think most people are more use to only hearing a bit at a time to start of with and then get more deep into that sort of thing when they get really close to that person (like being friends with them for at least 6 months or so). If you need to vent (everyone needs to vent so don't feel bad about it), just come on here and let it all out because if you let it all out to someone in real life, it might get a bit too much for them after a while if it's too often.

Try to think about things that make you happy and talk to your friends more about this sort of thing rather than about sad things. I've heard that people like to spend time with people who mostly talk about happy things. You can still talk to them a bit about your struggles, but just try to limit it and maybe not everyday.

I'm sorry about your relationship with your partner as well. I agree with what you said about people being more open minded about lgbqt related things these days, but it's still hard and a lot of people still aren't that accepting and judge or stereotype people over it. You don't have to tell everyone that you are trans, but if you get into a different romantic relationship in the future, I think it would be best to tell the person that you are trans first because the longer you wait, the harder it will probably be to tell them and if you say it as soon as you can, at least you get it out of the way and don't have to keep it a secret from them because they will have to find out eventually.

Don't beat yourself up over gaining weight from your surgery as it is not your fault and it doesn't make you a bad person. If people are mean to you about it, they aren't worth your time.

You don't sound pathetic at all, you just sound like someone who is going through a really horrible time. It would be impossible not to be sad about it. Please don't give up. Have you tried talking to the beyondblue hotlines via phone? It's free and you can talk to them as much as you like and get it all out. These people will be very happy to try to help you and comfort you through this difficult time.

I hope things get better soon. ❤️

[indigo22]

Hi Freyryn,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

Your post resinates with me in a number of ways and I am so sorry you are feeling so low at the moment.

It can be really difficult to get out of the black hole once you have spiralled down into it, but it is not impossible.

I was there about 12 years ago and I never want to feel that bad again. Being happy and cheerful is near impossible in that state, particularly without some support from friends or family. I too have had friends give up on me for not "getting over it" or "letting it go". People who have never experienced depression can't even conceive of what it feels like to sink to those depths so they hand out platitudes, thinking they are being helpful.

I am sorry your family has disowned you, no one should have to experience that kind of abandonment. I don't have family either, though my circumstances are completely different to yours, I understand how it feels. Trusting people is so very difficult when you have been hurt by the people who are meant to love you the most.

This is likely to be the main reason you have difficulty making lasting friendships along with the fact that you feel different and apart from everyone around you.

If there is only one thing I impress upon you today, I hope it is this: YOU MATTER

The real challenge is to remember that and to start mattering to yourself, liking yourself, even loving yourself despite what others think. The only opinion about you that counts, is your opinion.

I can tell you, with near 100% positivity, that the reason you have put on weight is because you are protecting yourself from more hurt. My weight has gone up and down over the years, depending on how depressed I am about something hurtful that has happened (there have been lots of those for me also).

I am not sure what you need from life, but I am sure that you will not find the love you seek until you first find it within yourself, for yourself. No one else can pull you out from that dark hole, you need to look for the way out and start climbing. How do you do that? By taking one step at a time. Your first step is talking to your GP and organising a mental health plan. Second step is finding a counsellor you are comfortable with and talking about all the deepest emotions you have been burying. You don't need to go to a psychologist, I saw a social worker for a number of years that was very helpful to me and this may be a more affordable option for you. Another option could be group therapy where you will be able to interact with people who understand what you are feeling. Third step is thinking about something new to try that you have never tried, giving you something to focus your mind on (other than the ruminating circular thoughts you have at the moment). The fourth step is entirely dependent on how willing and determined you have been with the first three steps, because by that time you will be starting to see some light.

I am not suggesting for a moment that what I have said is easy, because I know from experience that it's not easy. But you took the first half step today by joining the forums and telling us about yourself and your background which tells me you want things to change. So what will your next step be?

I will be happy to continue this conversation if you feel comfortable.

Please take care,

indigo22