My parents didn't teach me personal hygeine

[Earth Girl]

When I was in Primary school, my parents only taught me to brush my teeth at night time (not in the morning as well). They also never flossed my teeth or taught me how to. I didn't start flossing my teeth regularly and properly until my dentist taught me when I was in year 9. They only got me to have a bath every 2 weeks or so (I think it might have been about a month sometimes) and they only changed my sheets after I had a bath (which wasn't very often so yeah). They didn't teach me how often I needed to wash my bath towels or clothes. Whenever there weren't any clean clothes to wear in my drawers, (which was often) they would tell me to just get clothes out of the basket (full of dirty clothes) and wear them. They only regularly washed my undies, but I can't say that for the rest of my clothes. I actually liked school uniform when I was a child because my parents bought me hardly any other clothes. On weekends, my sisters and I would fight over clothes because it was so hard to find reasonably suitable ones.

In year 6, a friend was talking to me about how she was having a shower one morning when something happened and after that I thought, okay I probably should shower more often so when I started year 7, I started showering every second day and soon after that everyday, but most of my clothes (my undies were clean) were still dirty. I washed my hair every second day then, but it still looked really bad until I got a haircut later on that year. (I had never been to the hairdresser before then, my parents would sometimes cut my hair when I was little though). A few years after that, I started washing my bath towels every three washes and my parents told me that I was washing them too much even though I think you're suppose to wash them at least that much. It got so bad that the school had to intervene and teach me personal hygiene which was humiliating!

To this day, I still have to get fillings on the first four teeth at the top of my mouth and I sometimes still smell even though I'm pretty sure I'm doing everything right now. (Showering everyday, regularly washing my hair, using good quality deodorant, washing all my clothes enough, brushing and flossing my teeth, etc).

I calmly asked my parents last year "I was just wondering why you didn't teach me personal hygiene" and my Mum got very cross and said "Oh Earth Girl, we're not perfect!" I told them that I had the right to be upset because I got bullied in school because of it and they said "Okay, I understand. Well, I guess we just weren't very organized."

I was just wondering, do I have the right to be upset at my parents for this? They weren't doing it to abuse me, but it's still upsetting. My Mum told me that she doesn't think children need to shower very often because she didn't when she was a child, but I don't know why they didn't wash my clothes and help me more with my oral care.

[white knight]

Hi,

This is a very good post that could help others in this situation.

We all have learned and unlearned behaviour. We are a product of that when growing up. So your parents when they marry they blend into their respective roles as a team and one or both might well have not learned much as children that paved the way forward in terms of hygiene and likely other things like laziness and so on.

There is good and bad in this case for you- you have thankfully learned of these deficiencies at a young age and that is a very big positive because you have broken the cycle your family has continued. You should be proud of that. The cons are that you had to endure it and now seek some form of retribution for their failings.

Can I say, sometimes especially as thinking adults, we have to allow some flexibility for our parents failings because the fact is, your parents are the product of their parents and theirs etc. Some family habits stretch back 3 or 4 generations so if your parents weren't taught correctly, what hope did they have?   This approach will see you feeling somewhat sorry for them as they really arent to fully be blamed. 

The fact also is, what can be done now? How far do you want accountability? Let's say you live with a partner and have children, would lack of hygiene be relevant? Of course, you might not want your child to stay over at the grandparents place if your child isnt care for with hygiene, or... you can find ways around it like- bathing the children before they go over and restricting their stay to 2 days and bathing upon their return and so on. Is it the end of the world- no, is it enough to make you angry- yes, disappointed- yes, is it productive to seek accountability- not really.

In all parents minds they believe they did the very best for us - their children. When their best is questioned it results in extreme hurt and anguish. I believe your parents innocently disregarded proper hygiene and your mothers admission of "we werent very organized" is a big admission of guilt right there. It could even be taken as an apology.

One final thing. One day your parents will be elderly and you will be the parent, sounds odd but this is often how things go. So, when you care for them even for a few hours from their aged care unit, you will be telling them to brush their teeth etc. You will be in charge. Until then I suggest you try to be flexible and remind yourself of what your parents did for you like shelter, food, affection etc. 

Humans arent perfect, parents are humans. Too late to correct it now and you have a right to be disappointed but not upset, there is a difference.

I hope that clarifies.

TonyWK 

[Earth Girl]

You have raised some very good points. The bullying I experienced was really bad, but at least now I will know how to help my children with hygiene and you're right, my parents probably weren't properly taught by their parents and maybe their parents didn't have the right support in this regard from their parents, etc.

I use to think that they probably got taught how to look after their teeth (brushing twice a day and flossing) and washing their clothes enough, but they might not have.

I also misinterpreted my parents when they said they were not very organized. I thought they were trying to make an excuse, but yeah, it sounds like they felt bad actually,

Thanks White Knight. 🙂