My Version of Hell

[Scorchly]

Generally speaking, I feel down & lethargic through most of my day, my quality of sleep is poor & anxiety normally increases around bedtime. I can no longer answer the question, “what makes me happy/smile”, although there must be an answer, at any time of day I cannot imagine it.

During the worst times, what I refer to as Episodes, my world becomes dim & extremely bleak, I perceive it as a monotone existence. I have no idea of time; I cannot imagine when it started or when/if it will ever end. I feel very alone & isolated. I do not have any thoughts of life or events going on around me & the desperation I feel is extreme. I am rarely aware of the presence of other people, & even when I am, I do not know how to reach out for help. If there is a Hell, I believe I have already been there many times.

My wife’s comment sometime ago was I appear to be reliving my worst nightmare 1000 times a day.

This description is only my best guess as I rarely have total recollection of the event. Can anyone relate to this?

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forums.

from what I have read it sounds like you live a black and white world without color. Not sure if this is a true paraphrase of a story I heard... Wil Wheaton was speaking about walking with his wife in the park and started crying. He said to his wife he was able to recognise the beauty in a flower. (He also takes medication.)

Me... I take medication and unable to find that beauty yet. And I am on medication. I also call myself a work in progress.

Your question about what makes me smile ... There was plenty of homework I received from my psychologist in which I had to use google to find the answers to - these were things to put into a gratitude journal, what to look forward to.

I started seeing a psychologist about 3 years ago. About 6 months after that started on medication as well. My issues were work related. And I went to bed thinking about work stuff. I would wake during the night thinking about work as well. In the morning I dreaded work. One of the things which my psychiatrist worked on was my sleep and told me about sleep hygiene.

The stuff about being around people I will leave for a later post. I guess what I want to share with you is that you are not alone (hate that cliche). I was there at one time.

People have told me I have been brave for getting help and when the chance arises I talk about it as well. You have made the first step in posting here. (I then went to speak with my GP.) I hope you wll come back and chat some more.

Peace to you, Tim

[Croix]

Dear Scorchly~

No person should go though such hell.

So welcome here to the Support Forum, its called 'support' because that is what we offer. just about all of us have lived though -or are living though - hard times, and that makes for understanding and a desire to help.

It also means others have had more or less the same experiences and can talk about them and how they got though.

I have read your account of how you feel and it has brought back to me my memories when I felt very much the same.

My mind was consumed with hopeless thoughts, there seemed no possibility of relief, just an endless chain of isolation, anxiety, lack of understanding, self-blame and no room in my mind for anything other than my illness.

Trying to deal with other people, no matter who they were, brought out anger and resentment -and a desire to retreat alone.

I had no understanding of why I was behaving as I did, I did not even know myself, and felt no love or much else either. It was all separated from 'the me' was just watching me (if that makes sense).

Although my wife loved me there was little she could do to start with. Then I started to get competent medical support. I had a GP and a psychiatrist in the main, with therapy and medication.

I improved, which is why I'd like to ask you if you have medical support? If you do then I'd suggest you go back and say the current treatment is simply not working and needs to be thoroughly reviewed.

Of course if you do not have medical help then now is exactly the right time -a long consultation with your GP could be a good start, simple talking like you did in your post and answering questions.

Yes I know it can be hard to do either of these things, do you think you could manage to do them?

I can now be happy and smile, and am back in my loving relationship, plus have work in which I take satisfaction. I still take medications, though they don't have side effects, and still see my psychiatrist. Its a normal part of life, not a problem.

I have downplayed my conditon a bit, and if I, who was an utter mess, can get back to a life I enjoy and would never part with, then I'm sure you can too. Things are NOT hopeless - far from it.

Please come back and say what you think

Croix

[KPau]

Hi Scorchly

im new to this forum and yours is

the first I’ve seen. I have lived through almost 25 years with depression. In the beginning I just could not connect to the world around me. I found myself sitting for hours on end staring at nothing and just going through the motions.

I had another bad episode around 10 years ago where leaving the house was exhausting. I have been very fortunate to have a supportive husband.

If you aren’t already seeing your doctor about how you’re feeling this is a great place to start. I was so frightened at my first visit but was just handed a box of tissues and told ‘you’re suffering severe depression, let’s help you out.

I have seen psychologists in three occasionally and they have helped me work through the episodes.

You have made the brave first step of reaching out. See your doctors and let your friends know how you’re feeling.

I wish you well. You can get through this.

all my very best

[Petal22]

Hi Scorchly,

Sorry you are feeling this way…, I had severe anxiety OCD and have now recovered from the condition thanks to professional help..

I felt like I was living in an internal hell when I was in the depths of OCD……I wouldn’t have wished my condition on anyone…

I received help from my gp through to a psychiatrist and a specialised therapy….

I know our conditions are different but if I can recover there is HOPE you can too…… speak to your doctors about the way you are feeling……

im here to chat to you