Sick of Bipolar

[loml050592]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. Just need to get some things off my chest, am feeling overwhelmed with my Bipolar. I have had mental health challenges for 30 years now, was diagnosed with Bipolar II 10 years ago. I work as a lived experience mental health professional and enjoy having a career where I can have a positive impact for other consumers of mental health services. But, sometimes my own shit takes over and has a huge effect on me, which I am sure you can all understand. I have a lot of the very typical manic symptoms of frustration, rage, inner turmoil, racing thoughts quite often. Sometimes manic energy helps me with my work, but it always interferes with my private life. I have been going through a difficult period at work. I am a senior person in a team of about 20 lived experience workers. I have in recent months been negotiating a difficult HR issue with a member of my team and it is coming to a head at the moment. I try very hard not to have my mental illness interfere with work, but this situation has slowly worn me down to the point where I am now checking into a different clinic to have a rest myself. To make things even more complicated and difficult/disturbing for me, the person in HR that I have been working with in regard to this situation, is someone that I have now become quite fond of, and am now having intrusive thoughts about. This situation is such a mess. I feel like absolute shit about it all and really actually sick in my stomach. When I think of this person I get butterflies in my stomach. That would be okay if I didn't have a partner of almost 20 years. I just always feel so messed up. To everyone else I seem like I am doing okay, I have mastered the act of wearing a mask after 30 years experience at this. My head is so messed up though. I carry guilt with me all the time. As part of my mania I am hypersexual, and while I have maintained a monogamous relationship for almost 2 decades, I live an alternate fantasy in my head where I can act on my impulses. I now question if there is any sexual trauma in my past that I don't recall, a lot of my symptoms point to that, though it seems unlikely. I feel like I am babbling here but I just needed to unload this stuff, I am not sure that I even want anyone to read or comment or if this is just for me to get out. Would be happy to hear from others who may suffer similarly. How do you get through?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm bipolar2, aged 65yo and diagnosed late in life at 53yo. Prior to that anxiety peaked in 1987 and ongoing depression since.

Of course it all made sense in 2009 but I was falsely diagnosed in 2003 with ADHD. Similar symptoms there actually.

I relate to many of your symptoms. Hyper sexuality will dwindle as you approach 60yo down to what I think is average libido. Managing anxiety works well. More on that later. Your higher libido causes imo the intrusive thoughts and those butterflies when attracted to someone else. But just like a professional (say psychiatrist with a patient he/she is attracted to) you need to not step over the mark...too many life will be affected and hurt. So on this topic I'd suggest a GP visit to ask about that and if there is an answer through medication.

I retired at 57yo after 2 psychotic events. I never did work well with other people and could not tolerate bossy ones or disloyal types. In fact I think I was lucky to have survived working for that long. But when I retired I would believe one day that I could work again but the next day realised I could not. Stress comes quickly for me, be it in a meeting or crowded shopping centres, its certainly a balancing act but the older I get the more prepared I am. I now know I cannot go into a shopping centre for more than 1 hour unless it is nearly deserted. Or a beach for more than 2 hours, a queue with more than 3 ahead of me.

I dislike small talk, politics, politicians, liars, cheats and manipulators. I'm very righteous, my professions revolved around law enforcement (not police), prison guard, PI, ranger, etc. So with all these moods and boundaries I am more introverted than I used to be. It was suggested I join the mens club as I've built 2 houses and many cubbies and 2 caravans but I'd last 2 hours there as it would only take one bossy fuddy duddy and committee conflict and I'd leave.

Here is a few threads you can read. Just read the first post if you want.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/bipolar-2-coping-with-it#qwtcO3Hz...

That 2nd one has many threads you can google that I've written due to my bipolar etc.

If you dont want to reply or read the above that's fine, we aren't here to have expectations nor judgement.

But I'm here daily if you want to add to your post.

TonyWK