My shame & guilt are winning

[Joe_Black1]

I went to see a counsellor the other day. For the first time, I have been able to see my depression 'in action', as it was happening. I recognised some of the destructive, hateful thoughts for what they were. Seems kinda weird that I've finally realised the destructive nature of these thoughts and seen them for what they are after so many years. But my mind-fog is pretty heavy some days.

She told me its an awesome thing to have this new 'clarity' on my depressive thinking. Now that I'm aware of it, I feel like I've given it a face, but I've also now made it more prominent in my consciousness... It's more powerful now than ever before. Today I want to leave this place more than I have in nearly 5 years and

I' m frightened that I've reached this place again.

Old guilt and shame have come flooding back anew, and my chest is heavy with the knowledge I'm so close. They are winning and I don't want to face anyone again with these forces controlling me. I cant face anyone again. I don't want to let my counsellor down, but

I feel totally overwhelmed. Today at work I wanted to end it all.

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[White_Rose]

Dear Jezz

Shame and guilt creep in on the back of the Black Dog like fleas and infest everywhere. So where is your metaphorical disinfectant?

You have experienced an Ah-ha moment which in many ways you may find good but at the same time puts more responsibility and pressure on you to get well because you now have more insight and tools to use.  I know because I am in the same place. I would much rather someone else did the work for me and this did happen to some extent when I was very ill.

Now I'm getting well and I have to do the work myself.  I hate it.  Yet at the same time I feel a certain satisfaction that I have achieved this. But this shows my previous 'failings' in a new light. Why they should seem worse I don't know. It really seems stupid and illogical. But then whoever said we are logical when we are depressed.

I find it better that it has a face. Have you read any of the Black Dog books by Bev Aisbett? The first three were written about anxiety but I found they applied equally to depression. Living with It, Living It Up, Letting It Go. IT is depression or anxiety. The books are short and easy to read. Quite funny in many ways. I recommend them.

So give yourself time to adjust to the new state of affairs and the new knowledge. Once you learn some new ways of coping with the re-emergence nothing will stop you. Go get 'em girl.

LING

[Chloekat84]

Firstly Hello and welcome to BB. Here you'll find friendly people to talk to and want jusge you. My name is chloe and i know how u feel about the cloud over your head u feel it will never pass. U do need to try and keep to your appointments with your counsellor i think though. He/She will be able to help you or try to anyway or you may be referred to a psychiatrist. They are trained more to help with more complexed mental health problems like major depression, anxiety, bipolor etc. I highly suggest u see you GP and try and get a mental health assesment and then u can be referred. Hope ive been of some assistance to you and try and stay calm and take deep breaths and keep sayin to yourself "I can get through this" and "This will pass". Please take care. We are here if u need us. xxx

[Joe_Black1]

Thank you Ling & Chloe,

i appreciate you both taking the time to read and respond. I find it somewhat reassuring that I see so many people here all feeling similar things, facing the same daily struggles.

if I could find a psych who didn't cost so much I would be able to seek  ore help. 

Thanks again,

j

[gmc]

Dear Jezz,

Your counselor is right, it's so good to see your depression clearly. And it's a great step to actually see a counselor, but you know that.

I am just writing to let you know that I found poetry in what you wrote, like some lyrics. Very nice. I think you should write in this way about what you feel, it might make you feel better.

gmc

[Joe_Black1]

Thanks gmc,

I'm no songwriter, but maybe I will sprite down some of my angst in the hope it does relieve things a bit..

[AGrace]

Hi Sabrina,

I'm glad you're finding the forums helpful in terms of being able to share and also gaining some support from others here.

I can see you've hit a low point, you talk about the old guilt and shame coming back. Are you able to share what these feelings are about?

Have you got family or friends that you talk with as well? Do you live on your own or with someone else? If so, do they know how you are thinking?

You can head to a GP and request a Mental Health Plan to entitle you to 10 free sessions to see a Psychologist. If you think this will be beneficial then I'd strongly suggest you try it. Are you taking any medication at the moment? Sometimes it's good to tackle our low mood from a few different angles.

I can hear that you're feeling completely overwhelmed at the moment. Are you able to try some meditation or mindfulness throughout the day? Even listening to a guided mindfulness on your way to work might be useful. When we're feeling overwhelmed it's difficult to achieve much. Be gentle with yourself. You are continuing with work, so perhaps when you get home each day have a bath or shower, take some time out, go for a gentle stroll, and try to keep eating healthy, nutritional meals at least 3 times per day. Maybe finish the evening with a tea so that you can really unwind before bed.

You won't be letting your counsellor down, but it would be useful to make contact with them if you feel like you can't even make it to an appointment. They can probably talk through some strategies with you over the phone.

You mentioned that you're happy to do some writing. It sounds like you've become really aware of your thoughts, perhaps try journalling each day. Don't just talk about the negative stuff. See if you can write about one positive thing each day, even if it's just that you managed to get out of bed.

Your thoughts of ending this need to be taken really seriously. Seeing your Dr and sharing these thoughts is really vital. If you are thinking about putting a plan into place, or if these thoughts are building then please contact Beyondblue, Lifeline, or 000. Ending it isn't an option. There's plenty of ways to get you through this, it will just take some time and patience.

We are all here for you, so please feel free to post as often as you choose. There is also a thread called "If you are thinking about suicide, please read" you may want to have a look at some of the posts others have shared here.

AGrace

[Joe_Black1]

Hi AGrace,

Thank you for you your advice. Today I went back to my GP and told him everything. Stuff I've never told anyone. It was actually way easier than I thought and he was really supportive. Got me a treatment plan and some AD's, so here's hoping this helps.

im back to work tomorrow and really stressed about it. Getting sleep has been really hard, and I've drunk myself to sleep some nights. I wish could get my old job back 😞

[AGrace]

Hi Sabrina,

That's great news! I'm glad that you were able to share with your doctor all of your concerns, it really does help them when they have the complete picture.

So you're not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Is there something that you can put in place for after work so that you have something to look forward to at the end of the day? I love coming home to massive bubble baths, hot chocolates with marshmallows, a block of chocolate and a movie, an early dinner with a friend. You could even plan something nice for your lunch break.

I'm not sure if I know what your old job was? Were you made redundant, or did you resign? What sort of work are you doing now? Sometimes we work just for the money and sometimes we work for the meaning and purpose the job brings us. Perhaps start thinking about the kind of job you would like to do next.

I hope tomorrow goes well for you.

AGrace

[Joe_Black1]

Hi AGrace,

I resigned from my old job in government to chase a higher-paid job in finance. What a disaster. I've been bullied by the worst team-member I've ever met, had no support and I wish daily my old job was open again. 😞 I was good at it, I knew so many people and was very well supported.

I love the idea of a bubble bath after work, but making dinner, lunches and housework drains my time. If I could make the lower salary work, I'd happily take a less stressful role in a heartbeat. For me clearly, the money isn't everything and the pursuit of it is adding to my anxiety.

Maybe a late bubble-bath will help me relax before bed. I'll give that a try, thank you.