It all started four months ago

[This_is_my_alias]

So here's my story so far. I feel I have to share it with somebody - somebody who knows what I'm feeling, can say been there done that, and hopefully come out the other side.

Things were good till January.  I had a strong, happy, supportive family (still do), good job (more on that later), and everything seemed fine.

Then out of the blue, the depression and anxiety appeared from nowhere.  I was an emotional wreck, barely functional some days, feeling like I wanted to curl up in a ball, cry, and make it all go away.  I had wonderful support from my wife, who said to see a professional, and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  Take these little pink pills, and it will all go away. I stopped after a month - I don't want a pill to mask my problems, I want to know the root cause.

A month later I saw a psychologist.  Waste of time.  She basically said I had a chemical imbalance, and to put a rubber band around my wrist, and flick it everytime I was having negative thoughts.  I haven't been back.

I started to feel better.  Everything was looking up for a while.  But now, I'm back on the emotional rollercoaster again.  Tears are only a blink away, and I can't help but feel everything is blue.  I get emotional leaving my family in the mornings to go to work, can't concentrate for longer than 5 - 10 minutes while I'm in the office.

I don't know why.  My boss (who knows the problem, and has been there) is supportive, but I dislike him intensely.  My wife is fantastic - fully supportive, compassionate and wanting to help.  My kids and I have a great relationship, and even though they're getting to the age where emotions in public are embarrassing, they're still happy to give their dear old (46 year old) Dad cuddles at bed time, despite being 10 and 12.

I have things to look forward to.  We have a 4 week UK trip planned at the end of June, and I'm really looking forward to the break. We're financially independent, have good, safe jobs.. there is nothing that tells me why I should be feeling this way.

But I go for a walk at lunchtime, and wonder whether being in an accident and being hospitalised for a period, will cause my life to be put on hold for a period, whilst I sort myself out.

I'm seeing a new psychologist on Monday, but the negative Nancy in me says that she won't be able to help  me. She can't see inside my head, and tell me why it's all screwed up. I feel like nobody can help me, and I should just man up.  But I can't. The emotions are too close to the surface, and it's just a struggle to share this story, without breaking down in tears again.

With me, the glass is never half full, it's half empty. Why get excited about the future, and be let down, when you can prepare for doom, and be enlightened when it doesn't happen?

Does it get better?  Is there light at the end of the tunnel, or am I confined to these feelings for ever?

I'd love to hear from anybody. Anybody who knows what I'm talking about. Can say they have been there done that, and whilst they may not be out the other side, can at least see the distant light at the end of the tunnel.

[White_Rose]

Hello This_is_my_alias

Welcome to BB, the place to talk about the problems you are experiencing.  So many people here are or have experienced exactly what you have described and have asked the same questions.

Your family sounds great and it's wonderful you have their support, especially from your wife.

Your description of the begining of depression is so familiar.  It seems to strike out of nowhere and for no reason.  That is what is so devastating about it.  As your first psych said, it does have something to do with a chemical imbalance, but this is not the whole story.  Taking anti-depressants does not necessarily mask the problem.  The intention is to help restore the balance of chemicals to some extent while you and your body work on healing.  The AD give you a bit of a respite and help restore some energy while you journey towards healing.  The medication can take some time to take effect, 6 - 8 eight weeks is normal presuming you have no bad side effects.

Now that I have thoroughly depressed you, please read on.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and as my sister used to say, it's not the light of an oncoming train.  Truly, there is a light and you sound so determined to get there that I am certain you will arrive.

Meanwhile, go to see the new psych.  Any decent psych will listen to you for a while and not jump in with answers, or medication etc.  It can take a while to work out what is happening with every individual. The severity of depression is different for all of us.  Unfortunately it's not an illness where one remedy fits all.

The rubber band suggestion sounds like a lazy psych whose philosophy is very much the rubber band approach.  I suspect you were correct to walk away.  There are more constructive ways to approach and manage depression.  Be totally open and upfront with your psych.  Trying to "man up" will not work. 

In some respects it's like being an alcoholic (please don't be offended).  You need to admit you are depressed and in need of help.  Then you will be more receptive to getting well again.

I had intended to write more but I wonder if I have already overwhelmed you or scared you to death.  I have suddenly discovered I need to go out but I will post again later.  Meanwhile, read the information under The Facts at the top of the page.  There is a great deal of information on depression.  Under Resources, again at the top, there are fact sheets for family and friends.

Will talk later.

Warm regards

White Rose

[White_Rose]

I'm back for a short while.  I really want you to feel encouraged, that depression is not a life sentence.  At the moment I am guessing you see nothing but darkness, it's all doom and gloom.  The tears, lack of motivation, lack of concentration, not wanting to leave your safe haven at home and generally going out into the world.  It's all normal.  I want to reassure you on this.  You are experiencing a 'normal' bout of depression.  I do hope that helps.

Being involved in an accident is not the way to go.  Not only will you be injured but you will still be depressed, possibly more so because of your injuries.  If you feel you need a rest why not ask your doctor to give you a sick leave certificate?  You have a recognised illness and sometimes a a couple of weeks off work can be useful.  Discuss it with your doctor.

My experience was that the psych I saw was very keen for me to take time off.  I live on my own so was terrified at the prospect of being on my own all day and night.  We compromised on me working four hours a day.  That was exhausting and periodically I was away for several days because I could not get out of bed.  I had a particularly supportive colleague and a lousy manager who made it quite clear he was put out by my part time attendance.  He did make life very bad for me for a while until I complained to my director who told him to back off.  So although you dislike your boss, please accept that he can help and will understand if you need time out.

As I said before, your family sound terrific.  I can relate to the children being 'too old' for public cuddles.  My four children were the same.  At home, of course, it was different.  When the chips are down the only place to go is to mom and dad.  I am guessing that if I say you have so many positives in your life, please concentrate on them, you will be irritated.  I know I was.  But it's true.  Take comfort from them as much as possible.  They are your anchor.

The emotional roller coaster you are on is a horrid place to be.  Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.  And if you are a glass half full person then it seems worse.  You ask why get excited about the future when it may turn out badly.  Why not get as much enjoyment as you can from life?  Expect the best. 

You have a secure lifestyle but maybe the uncertainty in your mind about the future has affected you adversely.  It's true that bad things can and do happen.  But it is also true that good things can and do happen.  Now I'm starting to sound like the a person who says "Get your act together and smarten up.  It's all in the mind."  Please be assured this is not my intention.  I've had it said to me too many times.  Not nice and definitely unhelpful.

You sound excited about your coming holiday.  Great!  Enjoy yourself and can I fit into your suitcase?

If I haven't thoroughly depressed you or offended you please write in and tell us how you are going.  I hope I have been able to offer you some help and reassurance.

Warm regards

White Rose

[This_is_my_alias]

Hello White Rose, and thank you so much for taking the time to reply.  I was reading through your post, and the one thing (one of the things) that stood out was the line "The tears, lack of motivation, lack of concentration, not wanting to leave your safe haven at home and generally going out into the world.  It's all normal."

I was sure it was abnormal.

I can relate to so much you have written. I can't write more now - I really have to go to bed and try and sleep.

Tomorrow is another day - much like today probably, but another day none the less.

[white knight]

Dear alias,  White Rose covered all I think.  I'd like to address your admission that you are a "half empty person rather than half full person".

I was 26yo in 1982 when I went to a lecture (I've mentioned this before on BB) and 30 minutes later my view of the world was reversed.  That lecturer poked me with a mental prod that I dearly needed, to jump start my life and turn around the negative way I was thinking.

Sure you still have to be realistic.  The people that tell others "you can do anything eg prime minister arent being realistic but you can become a positive thinker and once you are one you never look back. Everything you do and everything you think about is likely done in a positive manner.  However with any sort of mental illness ones imbalances and struggles can hinder progress.... but I separate the two.  The latter while under the spell of the depression Gods doesnt mean I'm negative....just means my positivity is on a holiday until I'm more stable again.

My suggestion is to read some positive thinking books, attend a motivation lecture, seek out friends that are positive and ask them about their thinking processes, ask questions.

In the end you might, like me now, be an occasional motivator either to a one on one or to a group. 

I recently wrote a segment here under depression called "depression- are there any positives"  scroll down and have a read

good luck.  you'll be ok.  acceptance of ones situation takes time. 

[geoff]

der This_is_my_alias, a great username and thanks for coming to the site.

Whow, what a terrific reply from White Rose, so there's not much I can add to her reply, but I want to empathise that antidepressants 'do not necessarily mask the problem', it may seem that way, but what they is to actually mend your mind, so that you can then think in a much clearer way, and then concentrate on finding why all of a sudden you have hit by this illness.

Depression can be caused by a number of issues, firstly if we lose someone close to us has passed away, or by sexual abuse, and then which maybe most of the time it hits us out of nowhere, and apparently for no reason, so these AD can bridge our serotonin levels, which will help our recovery.

I would say to the psychologist and be upfront to start with and mention 'I have depression for no reason at all, so I need you to help find out why'.

Cuddles and kids, both my sons are in their 30's, and they as well as myself always give each other cuddles when we meet and when they go, plus I still kiss them, as they do with me.

If for any reason we are talking about a delicate subject, then the same automatically happens, I have no fear of kissing them, they are my children, and I am their Dad, it's only natural, plus of course my little grand daughter who is 2 and a half I hold her squeeze her and kiss her, and the same will happen with her new little sister who is not even a week old, but I haven't seen her as yet, because I wanted the family to settle in first.

What White Knight has written was also excellent because even though being depressed all we think about is being negative, but once we change on an on and off basis to feeling positive then it's on the road to recovery, I know it doesn't happen straight away, because it took me years to get to that part in my life, but this doesn't mean it will take you years. Geoff.

[This_is_my_alias]

Thank you all for your posts. It makes me feel reassured to know that I am not alone, and that others out there sympathise with my situation, and want to help me to help myself.

I recognise so may negative qualities in myself.. I guess that's a starting point.  Some of them actually scare me, to think that I can think so negatively about people I don't even now.  Surely it's not normal to walk down the street, bump into somebody and instantly despise them?

I'm hoping it's all part of the illness that I have.  I come to work each day (fortunately for me only work part time), but struggle big time whilst I'm here.  Every chore, every task seems insurmountable, and I just can't cope.

I think work pressures are contributing to my depression. I've considered getting another job, transferring to a different department, but I don't have the confidence in being able to do anything else.

So where does my list of faults start and end? Depression, Low self-esteem, Lack of confidence, stress about the unknown, and this is just a start.

I don't have a broken leg - an obvious illness, so why would anybody believe I have a mental one, and how can anybody get into my head and fix it, when I don't believe they can?

I think my wife (bless her heart) gave me some great advice last night, that I have to accept my situation, truly believe that it can get better, and then, perhaps, I can start to recover.

All the reasoning from everybody around me, makes so much sense, but I just can't see they're right, when plaster on my leg will fix my leg, but what will fix my head?

[White_Rose]

Hello Alias

Unfortunately plaster will only fix your leg, your head is more complex.  I had a little smile when I read your post.  You sound just like me a few years ago.  All my faults, both real and imaginary, were all I could see.  Interestingly the analogy of the broken leg was one I used.  And it's true.  The family rallied around me when I did break my leg.  I had an obvious injury.  They found it far more difficult to manage with my depression.

So I suppose this is the first thing to learn.  Those people who love you and others who have been in the same situation will know and understand where you're at, or they will try and understand.  Sometimes it means simply accepting the person where they are without trying to "cure" them.  Other people simply cannot comprehend what a dreadful illness this is.  Try to ignore these voices.  They often mean well but lack the knowledge and compassion.

Instead, listen to your doctor and psychologist.  They know what it's about.  Listen to your family and accept the love they give you.  Accept help where it's offered and move on from those people who tell you to shape up.

Your list of negative qualities apply to everyone, not just those with depression.  I spent many years metaphorically beating myself up, believing my husband's valuation of me as useless, allowing myself to bullied.  I still have moments of doubt.  The thing that keeps me going, keeps me strong, is the knowledge that I was a senior officer in the public service, a job a I gained and kept by my own efforts.  I went to university in my 50s and gained a degree while I worked full time.  I left my husband and have built a successful life with friends who accept me, not because I am wonderful and perfect because I'm not.  I am an ordinary person with faults like everyone else and so are you.

List your good qualities, or get your wife to help you do this.  What are your achievements?  e.g. lovely wife, gorgeous children, family home, good job, etc. etc. etc.  I think the list will surprise you.  This is the real you, warts and all.  At the moment you are going through a horrible time and your brain is trying to tell you that the real you is a mess.  With the right help you can put your brain in it's place and recognise yourself again. 

You comment about an instant dislike of people you bump into.  Again this is so normal.  Why it happens I have no idea.  In other circumstances you would not even notice.  It seems when we are depressed we are hypersensitive to others actions.  The smallest thing can irritate and enrage and it happens in a millisecond.  The best person to explain this would be your psychologist.  Make a list of all the things you want to talk about.  You may not get through them in the first session, but that's OK.  The answers will come.

Changing your job at this stage not be a good thing but I am not qualified to comment.  I have no knowledge of the circumstances or how the depression is affecting you.  These are the sorts of things to talk about with the psych.  It may be the stress of work has caused the depression and moving on would help.  It may be better if you stay where you know the routine etc.  I cannot offer any suggestions on this.

I suspect you are as impatient as I am.  The psych I see often comments on this.  I want things to happen tomorrow, or preferably today.  But I am learning to do the work and understand I need to do this in order to heal.  Unfortunately it takes time.

Glad you wrote in again. 

Warm regards

White Rose

[This_is_my_alias]

It's been a while since I posted, and I'd love to be able to say that my life has turned around, the sun is shining, and the world is a happy place. But for me that's just so far from the truth.

I think it has been about 6 months now. 6 months constantly (or almost constantly) feeling like I can't cope.  I'm by myself, and the only person in the world who is like this.

I hate the way I'm feeling. I break down in tears each night trying to make sense of it all,but I can't.

It's got to the point where I am now having physical reactions to the stress, anxiety and depression, with gastro like symptoms, waking with my head pounding each morning.

How is a depressed person supposed to look? Does anybody really believe me, or do they think it is all an act.  I can't cope at work, but not working means not supporting my family, so I feel like I have no choice.

I lack motivation to do the simplest things - open a letter, wash some dishes, almost everything is put off till it has to be done, or I can motivate myself to get it done. I've seen my new psych 3 or 4 times now, but is it too early to throw in the towel because I'm not feeling any different?

So many questions and thoughts running through my head that I just don't have the answers to, and it is driving me crazy(ier)!

Does it get any better,or am I destined for a life of blue?

[Snoman]

Hi This_is_my_alias,

I'm glad you posted again which brought this up to the top. I am new here and have only just read this thread.

I am a 45yo Dad also with 2 kids 10 & (almost) 12. We share many of the same symptoms and thoughts. There was definitely a period where I thought an accident would at least let the world get off my back and not expect too much while I physically healed.

I have been on AD's since early December. The side effects stopped me from going to a higher dose which I needed, so I switched to another and it has taken until about 2 weeks ago when I can say I feel great again.

I still have some downs, but I can manage them. I still struggle with concentration, but it is improving. I finally have self confidence.

In February I started seeing a psychologist who also practices ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) which has shown great promise as a tool to help people with depression, anxiety, BPD and PTSD. It has helped me a great deal. I was lucky that my first attempt at finding a psychologist led me to someone I could click with.

One part of ACT that I found particularly useful was the observation that negative thoughts are normal. The key is to listen to the "helpful" thoughts, and turn the volume down on "un-helpful" thoughts. Helpful negative thoughts are there to protect us from danger.

You have been and still are fighting a very difficult albeit invisible fight. For you. For your Wife. For your children. Well done for posting again. Don't sell yourself short. Posting and seeking help are big achievements. You should acknowledge that you just won another skirmish in your fight with depression.

As I said to my psychologist last week, I feel like my head is above water again.

Please keep posting.