It all started four months ago

[This_is_my_alias]

So here's my story so far. I feel I have to share it with somebody - somebody who knows what I'm feeling, can say been there done that, and hopefully come out the other side.

Things were good till January.  I had a strong, happy, supportive family (still do), good job (more on that later), and everything seemed fine.

Then out of the blue, the depression and anxiety appeared from nowhere.  I was an emotional wreck, barely functional some days, feeling like I wanted to curl up in a ball, cry, and make it all go away.  I had wonderful support from my wife, who said to see a professional, and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  Take these little pink pills, and it will all go away. I stopped after a month - I don't want a pill to mask my problems, I want to know the root cause.

A month later I saw a psychologist.  Waste of time.  She basically said I had a chemical imbalance, and to put a rubber band around my wrist, and flick it everytime I was having negative thoughts.  I haven't been back.

I started to feel better.  Everything was looking up for a while.  But now, I'm back on the emotional rollercoaster again.  Tears are only a blink away, and I can't help but feel everything is blue.  I get emotional leaving my family in the mornings to go to work, can't concentrate for longer than 5 - 10 minutes while I'm in the office.

I don't know why.  My boss (who knows the problem, and has been there) is supportive, but I dislike him intensely.  My wife is fantastic - fully supportive, compassionate and wanting to help.  My kids and I have a great relationship, and even though they're getting to the age where emotions in public are embarrassing, they're still happy to give their dear old (46 year old) Dad cuddles at bed time, despite being 10 and 12.

I have things to look forward to.  We have a 4 week UK trip planned at the end of June, and I'm really looking forward to the break. We're financially independent, have good, safe jobs.. there is nothing that tells me why I should be feeling this way.

But I go for a walk at lunchtime, and wonder whether being in an accident and being hospitalised for a period, will cause my life to be put on hold for a period, whilst I sort myself out.

I'm seeing a new psychologist on Monday, but the negative Nancy in me says that she won't be able to help  me. She can't see inside my head, and tell me why it's all screwed up. I feel like nobody can help me, and I should just man up.  But I can't. The emotions are too close to the surface, and it's just a struggle to share this story, without breaking down in tears again.

With me, the glass is never half full, it's half empty. Why get excited about the future, and be let down, when you can prepare for doom, and be enlightened when it doesn't happen?

Does it get better?  Is there light at the end of the tunnel, or am I confined to these feelings for ever?

I'd love to hear from anybody. Anybody who knows what I'm talking about. Can say they have been there done that, and whilst they may not be out the other side, can at least see the distant light at the end of the tunnel.

[This_is_my_alias]

Thanks for the post Snoman - it's great to read the posts from everybody in support, even though when I re-read through all the posts, it brings the emotions back up to the surface again.

My biggest question is why? If I try and analyse the root cause of my anxiety, I think it is work related, but I can't rationalise why. I'm scared to make changes, concerned that it wouldn't make any difference if that is not the source of depression.

I've said it before, but I still don't know. How is a depressed person supposed to act? If on the outside (most of the time) I'm not gloomy and downcast, teary if somebody just looked at me, does that mean people don't believe I'm depressed? My wife has told me to not be concerned about what other people think, or try to read their minds, but I'm scared nobody except those very close to me, believe me. It's the issue I have with mental diseases - because there is nothing to see, some may find it hard to believe it exists.

So many thoughts keep swimming through my head that I just can't concentrate. I'm negotiating a reduction in my work hours, to help me get over this - can I say disease? but it feels like it is not being accepted, being too hard for the office to accept. Which leads to another bout of stress, anxiety and depression.

I'm seeing my psych again on Monday, we'll probably talk about mindfulness exercises again, which I just can't seem to get my head around. At least I'm persisting with her though, even though I feel no different from the first time we met. I've decided to start taking the medication again to see if it makes a difference. I don't really like taking it, but if it lifts some of the gloom it will be worth it.

I guess that I'm fortunate compared to others, and some of the symptoms others are describing. I feel like I could very well go down the path of slipping into further depression, but am trying to fix things before it gets that bad.  The success, or lack of however is the nagging negative thought.

[This_is_my_alias]

So here I am again. Sometimes it feels good to be able to write here and express how I'm feeling, when there is nobody else around that I can talk to.

I came to the realisation a month or so ago, that I need to take action into my own hands to try and get better.  I know it sounds obvious, but there is only so much my psych can do for me, as hard as it is for me, I have to try and help myself.

Working is hard for me.  I have no desire to be social to people (it's not that I'm anti-social, I just want to be left alone), I have mini panic attacks about coming in to work each day, and when I am at work, feel like I can't cope. Not working is not an option - I have a family to support, so have approached my management about reducing my work hours temporarily, to spread them out over manageable chunks, rather than working 3 or 4 long days a week. You'd think they'd understand.  WRONG! I don't know whether it's a case of not believing what I'm going through, or simply putting the company first, but I was bluntly told that it won't happen unless I get a letter from my psych. 

Now I'm scared, anxious and worried that she won't do it, or they'll still say no. I'm not sleeping properly, don't have my usual appetite, and feel like I'm all churned up inside.I don't know which way to turn, but just felt like I had to vent, and let it all out.

I so much want to get better. I hate the way I feel. But I can't help feeling that I'm losing the battle. I rarely smile any more, don't seem to find humour in the way others find it - the world just seems miserable, and I'm right in the middle of it.

Do things ever improve, or is my down mood just making everything seem so much gloomier?

[This_is_my_alias]

It's true - there are some wonderful souls here. I read through all the posts and can't help feeling that I can relate to many of the other things people write, and how they seem to relate to me so perfectly.

The coping with it all is what I struggle with. The feeling I have just about all the time, that life is - I won't swear, but you can guess the word I'm thinking of. Each day from Monday to Friday, I have to put on a brave face, come into the office and pretend that nothing is the problem. I have to smile at people, whilst under my breath I'm cursing them for talking to me.

I struggle to leave the safety of my home. The comfort that is provided to me, when I have my family close to me. They are the only things that keep me sane, whilst my whole world otherwise is crumbling around me.

I should be thankful - I have a job. Many others would love to be in the position that I'm in, but I feel like I can't continue with it, if it is contributing to my illness. I struggle with the responsibilities of supporting my family, whilst wondering whether my health would improve if I made changes to my working life.

I need to work out what is important in life - my health, or supporting my family. Deep down I know it's my health, but the guilt of doing something for me at the expense of my family eats me up inside, and I don't know what to do again.

If only life was simple.

[This_is_my_alias]

It was never a plan of mine to be a regular contributor to BB. However I get comfort from reading all the other posts, which all sound so similar to mine.  I'd love to have the courage, or the ability to comment to other people, and reassure them that everything they are going through is similar to others - but I don't have the answers that they seek, and can't see that saying 'same here' would help.

The anxiety and depression is really getting me down.  I just can't see a way forward.My self confidence has totally evaporated, to the point where I'm not confident I can do anything right. I have no self-esteem, no desire to do anything. I can't concentrate long enough to pick up a self help book and read it. I keep searching for the magic cure - but I don't think it's there.

I crave the safety of my home as soon as I step out the door. To hear my kids laughing and playing, my wife admonishing me for not doing the dishes, not cleaning up after myself. My family and home are my security blanket - they protect me from the outside.

My psych is trying to help me. Trying to work out the cause of the depression, the anxiety, the constant need to be in control of everything. I can't deal with change - especially if I have no control over the change.

My irrational fears, and uncertainties are driving me mad.

I just don't know how to cope. I feel like giving up, retreating even further into my shell and telling the world to go away.  But it won't.  I can't. Instead I smile, try to get on with the day, whilst counting down the minutes till I can retreat to my safety net.

Does it get better?  Is there any way out? Please tell me you've been there, survived and come out the other side, because at the moment I just don't feel that I can.