My relationship with Depression

[Kay17]

I have struggled with anxiety for many years and thought that was the worst feeling in the world.

but this, what I believe is depression is completely unknown and it’s hard to explain how I’m feeling.

perhaps numb? I feel a lot of guilt too. I’m not me anymore.

im especially finding work difficult. I work with children and I used to be a good worker! But I am struggling to connect with the children at this point in my depression and this makes me feel so guilty. The children I work with deserve a much better version of me that I am struggling to give right now but I can’t afford to just give up my job either.

my patience is minimal, all I do is eat my feelings constantly (gained 30kg in the past 12 months) which further harms my mental health and I just don’t know how to snap out of this.

i refuse to take medication, I just can’t! I’m sure it helps some people, but my mum has had a rough journey with antidepressants and I can’t go down that road. I’ve just started taking something natural to help with stress so let’s see how that goes.

i know this was caused by alot of stress. An emotionally abusive relationship breakdown, raising a child alone and not being able to connect with anyone at all really. My support system is low.

[White_Rose]

Dear Kay

Welcome to the forum and well done for connecting here. So many people struggle with a mental illness, especially anxiety and depression which often go together.

I can appreciate your situation having separated from my partner 20 years ago for a similar reason. It's definitely not easy. I found it hard to trust anyone enough to talk to . Then when I thought I had found a psychologist he turned out to be a fraud. Did me a lot of damage.

Taking antidepressant meds is something I always fought against. Never really sure why other than pride because I could manage on my own, or so I thought. Well that turned out to be an incorrect assumption. I tried many different AD meds mostly with horrendous side effects. These were all from the most commonly used pills from the SSRI group (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). A colleague and me were taking the same meds. She had no problems while I had huge difficulties. Horses for courses.

Eventually my GP suggested an AD pill from the Tricyclic Antidepressant (TCA) group. It not only made me feel better it also had no side effects except a dry mouth in the morning. It really helped but I believe we do not get well just by taking meds. It's not like taking an antibiotic which clears up an infection and largely works on its own, assuming you actually take it. What I believe about AD meds, apart from finding one that works and does not result in uncomfortable side effects, is they give a more stable base for you to work from. This last medication of mine really helped to provide some calmness in my life.

When you find your feelings and frustrations are overwhelming it's good to talk to a therapist. Your GP can arrange this. Talking to someone safe and respectful allows you to explore your various traumas and see why they happened and how they affect you. Doesn't change the past but helps you understand it.

It's this part of therapy where you do the work. Knowing about yourself and accepting yourself is a major step and often takes a while to realise. That's when the work really gets going. I understand why I allowed my husband to bully me which helps me look after myself better in the now.

Please think about this. Love to hear from you again.

Mary

[therising]

Hi Kay17

Wish I was there to give you the biggest hug and reassure you how amazing you truly are.

I imagine you're feeling completely exhausted for many reasons. I imagine the anxiety has been exhausting for you over time. I also imagine an abusive relationship has exhausted your self-esteem to some degree. Trying to work out how to set yourself up in a new life after the split, while investing yourself in raising your child without a lot of help would also have left you feeling somewhat mentally and physically exhausted on top of everything. You are truly amazing to have reached this point with the courage and determination you have mustered.

Try not to be too hard on yourself regarding the eating. This is very common, when the body is desperate for energy. Although bad for us, large amounts of caffeine and sugary foods fit the bill for fast refueling when we're trying to function in a state of exhaustion. So, there's a good chance you're craving for good reason. Mentally, we can be after a hit of 'happiness' too. If our 'happiness food' is a weight gainer, it presents obvious issues.

Wondering what else you've exhausted. Worth talking to an open minded GP. With many of your systems having been overworked for so long (nervous, cardio, endocrine and so on), you could be experiencing chronic fatigue, where your body's now screaming 'ENOUGH!' Wondering whether you've also exhausted significant levels of iron or B12. From personal experience, B12 deficiency is depressing until it's diagnosed. For me it got to the point where my mantras over the months became 'I'm hopeless. I'm lazy. I'm stupid. I'm useless'. The truth was I could barely function, mentally and physically.

Sounds like you're more into natural therapies. Something that might bump up the energy a bit, 'til you see a GP is filtered water. Lots of it! I know it's not going to necessarily stop you from feeling depressed but it might help take the edge off the exhaustion. Our cells need water, to vibrate faster (to be excited). By the way, kids' vibe faster because their systems are younger and highly efficient. Keeping up and connecting with them is a massive challenge.

Getting to the bottom of why you're feeling this incredible low is important. Myself, looking back I understand the reasons behind my 15 year battle with depression in the earlier part of my life and the reasons for when I'd hit the deeper lows. While you're in your depression, clarity can certainly feel non existent.

🙂