First time reader, first time poster. A few years back my dad got was diagnosed with a progressive neurological disease. 12 months ago, I took 7 months off work to be his primary carer. He lost his mind. I lost my dad. 2 months ago, my mom was hospitalised. She's still there, but they don't know what's wrong. Cancer is the primary suspect, but unable to verify as the test to confirm could kill her. Prognosis, 30 to 60 days. I might lose her too - it's inevitable but difficult to accept. I have a partner - for several years now. The last 12 months have placed a lot of stress on the relationship, but we've had issues long before this. I want to end it, as I don't have the mental and emotional capacity to deal with a relationship right now. But I'm afraid to hurt her. The last partner I broke up with, threatened to end her life. She didn't, but had to go through counselling for a while. This was decades ago, but I still feel guilty and responsible for causing her pain.
I grew up like most people thinking that we get what we deserve. Not true. We get what we get. Our idea of fair is insignificant to the course life decides to take. There's no right or wrong, good or bad, fair or unfair, there's only what is and what isn't. This isn't an opinion, it's an observation. All we can do is watch and hope the ups are more than the downs, and downs don't break us. I'm not depressed, I'm lost and conflicted. Knowing that a major life changing event is out of your control is like watching a car crash in slow motion. You can see what's about to happen but can't stop it. I would like to think everything happens for a "reason", they do, but not for our reasons. Interplay of cause and effect between millions upon millions of seemingly unrelated variables. It was never a crash, but a controlled and calculated event. My life feels like a train wreck in progress right now. Pieces flying through the air in slow motion, with more damage to come. All I can do is wait for it finish, pick up the pieces, and take the bus instead.
First time reader, last time poster.
