Some Days Are OK.......Others Well :(

[Shadow750]

Hi.

I dont know if I have depression or what.

I am due to return to work in 2 weeks and feel anxious. I've been on carers leave, looking after my 92 YO father who lives alone and am the only surviving family member.

I lost mum in March 2016 and her brother (my father figure) 3 weeks later. Anyway I find it really hard to talk to anybody about this as I'm likely to burst into tears.

I think starting work again will be kind of OK but maybe there is some way I can ease into it....will be meeting with my boss next wee. I work for the NSW public service. I mean work might be a good distraction.

But some days I feel such anger inside......I dont want to hurt anybody or myself by the way. But this anger/rage leads me to be impatient, sarcastic and probably a rotten person. Its really hard to write how I feel.

I'm taking a small amount of medication daily just to get through the days. But I also try to walk most days, about 35 min and in that time I feel like I'm on a different plane... more relaxed and can see things clearer.

I dont have many friends any more......my choice but I have all the time for my 2 young adult children. Late last year I saw my doc and was a blubbering mess, she then ordered me off work for 2 weeks saying I had anxiety and something else (I forgot).

Summing up:

I feel:

Angry deep down

Tearful deep down

Insecure and confused

I just dont know whats wrong with me. I spoke to a counsellor for a few sessions but didnt find that of any benefit.

[Kazzl]

Hi Shadow, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear of your losses last year. It must be particularly hard when you've also been caring for your elderly father.

It sounds to me like you are grieving. In my experience (I've lost both parents) grief can be a long-term emotion that comes up and hits us when we don't expect it, when we (and often others) feel we should be 'over' it. Sometimes years after the event.

And, do you think it could be compounded by thinking about your father's mortality too after spending a lot of time with him recently?

I think it would be worth trying a different counsellor if you didn't get much help from the last one (was it through your EAP provider?). Perhaps look for someone experienced in grief counselling?

And of course you are very welcome to talk more here about how you are feeling and things that are affecting you.

I hope your boss is understanding. You might be able to arrange a gradual return to work, or a temporary part-time arrangement to give yourself time and space to see how you are once you're working again? Your doctor or a new counsellor should be able to provide a letter or certificate supporting that. See what the provisions are in your enterprise agreement.

I hope that's helpful to you, and please know that we care about you and that many people here have been through similar situations.

Very best wishes

Kaz

[Quiettall]

Hi Shadow

My condolences for your loss. I feel for you as you are going through the emotions you outlined. Have you had a look at any of the books or writings of Elizabeth Kubler Ross. She talks about the stages of dealing with loss, either of a loved one or something else dear to you. Each stage is not distinct, and you can regress or move forward at any time through those stages. I found the readings really insightful, to understand my own feelings, as well as supporting my wife when she lost her mother 3 years ago.

I like Kazz's reply to you on this, and would encourage you to keep posting as that in itself is therapeutic in helping you to work out and clarify how you are feeling and why.

[xP]

Hey there Shadow,

I've recently lost and part ways with my ex girlfriend of seven months. A lot of people know that over the course of 2016, I’d been struggling with a few of the emotions you are experiencing. It had it’s ups but behind all that, were a lot of downs to it which very few people know about. We where going through some horrible times together, we had a lot of shouting matches which as a result, start to make me feel increasingly frustrated, upset and angry that they kept on happening and weren’t decreasing at all. As a result of what we were going through, I felt I couldn't live with myself after some of these arguments and wanted out of the relationship and this world, I couldn't live with how angry, frustrated, upset I was feeling, how much of a horrible person I was becoming, what I had said to her or what I had done around her. During the last three months of 2016. I got on the path of hitting a personal slump. It took me around three weeks, to a month to be able to start to recover and get past the feelings I had felt from our breakup and the experience's we had gone through over a majority of last year.

My ways of handling my emotions came from a number of different methods such as starting to talk to my friends, family members, socialized with people from my church, joined a gym, started working out there, invested time in my church community, joined Blue voices and wrote a motivational speech, I'm using it to help me move forward and to also encourage and help others with similar situations. Maybe you can try and speak to another consellor if you feel the one you spoke wasn't at all helpful, I've done this on a number of occasions and have felt it has worked previously during tough times I have faced emotionally.

The method I can strongly recommend the most that helps me deal with my emotions is by exercising daily and listening to Music while I am working out, keep up the 45 minute walks a day, it's not only great for your physical well being but also mental well being, I usually have a difficult morning dealing with my first client I work with, however I've found that by lifting dumbbell weights and jogging to finish my day helps me feel 100% better and I'm really showing the results, I feel tired afterwards but feel great physically and mentally. I've even managed to strike a friendship with the gym manager from my closet gym.

I do hope you've found this helpful and hope things improve for you