Need to get it out

[Troyboy]

Hi everyone.

Ive suffered from depression and anxiety for the better part of 15 years now, I've been through good and bad patches, and seem to have found a way of how to deal with it and live with it for the most part, But I've been through some very bad times since 2008, that was the year my mother died, without me ever being fully made aware of how ill she was, my parents didn't want me to worry because they knew of my illness, they told everybody in my family that I was not to know, but as a result of not knowing what was going on, I didn't get to spend a lot of time with her as I live interstate, and when I was made aware of how sick she was, I rushed home to see her, but before I got there she became unconscious and passed away the next day, I don't seem to be able to get over that I wasn't told and should have been there more, my father then had a severe stroke less than 12 months later, resulting in him needing to go into care which we did not want to do, he was such an active man, up at dawn, not inside until dark, and now he was pretty much permanently inside, which I know he hated, he managed to stay with us for another six years before another stroke took him from us away in February last year, I have since found out that my sister, my one and only sibling who was his power-of-attorney during the last six years literally drained every cent he had, including selling his home to herself very cheaply, so when he passed away not only was he broke, he owed money, I tried to work out things with her before I finally had to go and seek legal advice, I've now been in a legal battle with her since March last year, and we actually have all the proof that she has miss appropriated funds, and done the wrong thing, but because of how the power of attorney works, I may not be able to get her to have to pay it back, I feel like this is going to be another thing I have let my parents down with, And I feel absolutely betrayed that my sister could do such a thing, my parents estate wasn't worth a fortune, but she made sure that I was going to get nothing from it, my solicitor has said that the cost of chasing what is left, would probably be outweighed by how much it would cost, and it is very close to the stage of where we might have to Give up, and in my view that means she's won and got away with it, So how do you live and get on with your life when someone has done something so blatantly wrong? and you may not be able to do a thing about it?

[pipsy]

Dear Troyboy. I am so sorry you have lost both your parents, it's hard enough losing one, losing two is devastating. Your parents telling people not to tell you meant they hoped you would be spared the grief of not being able to reach them before they passed. I was in a similar situation when my mother died. She was in N.Z, I'm in Oz. I felt pretty guilty at not being there for hr either, however, I had to accept her time was up and me being there or not, wouldn't have prevented anything. There was no POA, no property so a POA wasn't necessary. Also she died alone, although she did leave a will. Like you I thought about contesting her will, she had an executor. I was also informed contesting etc would involve time, money etc and the chances of coming out with anything (if I did win) would be zilch. You have not let your parents down, your sister has by her actions. Unfortunately, it hurts like Hell, I know, but legal fighting, going to court etc is costly and time consuming. Your sister now has to live with her conscience, everyday for the rest of her life, she has to face herself and know she did the wrong thing by your parents. Your conscience is clear. I kind of believe in Karma a bit, your sister's guilt will never leave her.

Lynda

[geoff]

hi Troy, I must apologise with my first comment as the site has 2 Troys, butwith your situation you can work out why someone would want to do this, but yes, money.
POA ends once someone passes away and while your dad was alive she must keep all receipts on what she has withdrawn funds from his account, and if a receipt can not be found then she is doing something illegal.
Perhaps the best way to catch her is by buying the house which was not the market value, and somwhere along the line she would have tripped up, but legally you are entitled to take her to court for half of everything, which I hope your solicitor has suggested to you, that is claiming half your inheritance. Geoff.

[Wednesday]

HelloTroy,

Oh wow, what a story life seems so very unfair at times.

There is something about being a parent that turns you into an over protective nutter at times. I am so sorry you didn't get to spend precious time with your mother before she passed away. You should have been told. Parents (I'm speaking of myself here) can see things in skewed ways when it comes to protecting their young.

My guess is that your mum's self esteem wasn't all that high and she cared so deeply about you that she didn't want to hurt you. I can see how hard that would be to comes to terms with. Have you thought about maybe writing her letter telling her how angry, sad, etc you felt at not having that time with her? Maybe you could add in the things you would have said to her if time had allowed. No one else ever has to read it you can be absolutely honest. You could even hold your own goodbye ceremony by yourself or with a close friend.

I felt so sad reading about our Dad a vibrant man souped up in a home. I've seen such ending with others in my life. I hope that he was able to find some joy and peace in the home even though it wasn't his preferred way of being.

My your sister sounds like she has her own set of issues! I hope your Dad had no idea about what was going on. I assume since she had PoA she gets to manage the debt he had too and that doesn't fall on your shoulders? As your lawyer has advised the cost of the fight is not worth it.

She hasn't really won, she has lost her only brother. She has to live with her dreadful behaviour and suffer any consequences, monetary, physically and emotionally. Unless she has a condition where she can't feel emotion this is all going to be taking quite a toll on her too. She will rationalise of course.

No you didn't let your parents down you did the best you could do with the circumstances as they presented themselves to you and the tools you had available. Don't give yourself a hard time neither of your parent would want this. They loved you very much and would only have wanted the very best of lives for you.

Can you forgive yourself and acknowledge the unfairness of the circumstance but not let it eat you up? They wouldn't want to see you in this pain.

I'm really pleased you came to the forum it's a great place to chat and work through things. There are many people with lots of experience to help out too. Just in case you haven't noticed there is also the chatline 1300 22 4636 available 24/7. You are really not alone!

[Troyboy]

Hi geoff.

Thanks for replying to me, I have been on a personal crusade to get as much information for my legal fight since March and we have proven 100% that she has done the wrong thing, she has kept no receipts, no valuation on the property, I have bank accounts, bills, and expenses that I have chased up myself, and it is shown to be that she has used funds for our own personal gains, but apparently because this is a civil matter not criminal, unless we take it to court we can't really do much, the thing is it would cost more going to court then I would receive back from her, and apparently courts do not like this type of case coming before them in the first place so we both get judged harshly, even tho I'm in the right, I think an analogy that the solicitor used sums it up you don't spend 100,000 chasing 50,000, as for my sister I don't believe she feels anything in this whole matter she currently has two beautiful big homes, new cars, and travels on holidays whenever she wants and the thing is everybody in our my family knows how she got it, I don't think she feels one piece of guilt, I only got told after the death of my father, that he would sometimes say to relatives visiting him that none of this would be happening if my boy was here, nobody really knew what he meant by that until now, he was also heard to say to my uncle that he made my sister his power-of-attorney and is not sure if he's done the right thing? but yet again I was never told any of this, until after he passed.

[Troyboy]

Mum never wanted me to know about what was going on because she thought it would worry and cause me to relapse into my depression worse, but I would've liked the opportunity to spend some time with her, just try to come to terms with that I won't have her around much longer, I understand fully why she did what she did, but it doesn't make me feel any better, I got there in Time to be at her bedside and watch her slowly fadeaway, but she was unconscious and never came out of it before she died, both of my parents in the end were thinking of us, even my dad stayed as long as he did because he probably knew we still needed him, so much of what is going on could've been avoided if my family just spoke to me and said, hey there is something going on down here that I don't think is right, and maybe you should look into it, but they have all said that we didn't feel that it was any of their business, in reality I never would've thought my sister would've done what she's done.

[pipsy]

Hey Troyboy. It's so hard coming to terms with losing parents, as I said earlier. I'm inclined to believe your mum knew you were there. I last saw my mum about 3 years before she died. The police came and told me she's passed, that was a shock believe me. Families often know something is wrong, but the old adage of 'mind your own business' etc comes into it. With your sister, if you can try to tell yourself that she can't hurt your parents anymore, that may bring you some relief. If you had looked into how your sister was behaving, could you have stopped her? She signed a paper making her POA, basically that gave her the right to please herself. I think (don't quote me) your sister cannot dispose of any legal receipts in connection to her purchasing the house, for a period of about 7 years. All receipts have to be retained for this period for taxation and proof of original purchase. Unfortunately though there is not really much you can do, I realize how hurt and angry you are, but because your sister was the only POA, she is the one with right on her side. POA does cease on death, but as long as the death duties are paid and she has completed her part of the POA side, you are going to have to accept what has happened. When my mum died, my sibling was the only beneficiary, I was completely written out. I looked at contesting, but, like you, in the end I had to 'wear it'.

Lynda

[geoff]

hi Troy, I understand the predicament you are in,but everything yoursister has done is totally illegal and if your dad actually what happened he would be horrified.
When my father passed away in his will he left half to be split up between myself and 4 other siblings, and the other half he left to his step daughter as well as her child who was just a young baby, who would never know who our father was, plus he gave her the first choice of what she wanted in his house, well this horrified myself and my siblings and were actually disgusted by him doing this, well we could have taken her to court but decided not to.
It always leaves a bad taste in your mouth when you remind yourself of why he did this.
I believe that the 'Australian Law Reform Commission ( ALRC) maybe something for you to look into, and could provide you with some answers, because she has been deceitful. Geoff.

[Troyboy]

Hi Geoff,

My solicitor has stated from very early on that what she has done is morally wrong, but right and wrong does not play any part in the legal profession, and they can only go after her under what the law actually states, and legally the power-of-attorney can bestow reasonable gifts to people including themselves, but what is reasonable to you might be different to somebody else, there is so much of what she has done that, yes could be deemed illegal in how she has carried out carried out her duties, but my problem is that none of those facts mean anything or come to light unless it goes to court, this is deemed a civil matter, not criminal, if it was criminal we could actually get the police involved and get her charged with things along the lines of, stealing, theft, misappropriation of funds etc, in other states in Australia this type of thing can have actual jail time attached, my fathers Will was also very simple, it was a 50/50 split between myself and my sister, we were both executors of the will, but only she was power-of-attorney and dad could have also signed a part on the power-of-attorney that stated that no gifts were to be given, but the poor bloke would not have expected her to act the way she has, I want to be clear on this fact, that if we took her to court we could bring so much evidence against her that we have gathered, that yes she would have to pay back a significant amount to the estate, but the problem we have is that court action is very expensive and my solicitor has advised me that the cost of going to court compared to how much she would have to pay back, we would most likely still be left with a significant bill, it wasn't a large estate in the first place ,and the fact that courts do not like this type of case actually making it to court, so they tend to judge both parties very harshly, and you're not sure what judgement you're going to get, as that can entirely depends on the type of judge that presiding on it, and also what he deems as reasonable gifts as well, we have already spent a considerable amount getting to what stage we are now, and have been told that going to court could cost up to and over and extra $40,000, and that's not including if you happen to lose and you have to pay her legal fees of $20,000, that's the problem that I have is that something so wrong has been done to my mother and father's memory, I worry that when the time comes for me to step away from this issue, is will my mind let it go?