My breakup has made me feel worthless

[mpatt]

I've been diagnosed with depression for the second time in 5 years, I've been feeling like this a long time before I was prescribed antidepressants again. I was afraid to go through this all again because it brings back memories of how bad I was 5 years ago. Every day I think of how bad of a place I was in back then. I didn't want to say anything because I wanted to be strong in my relationship with my girlfriend as she had her own battles to deal with. My memory has been so bad that I forget things, which then eventually lead to her not trusting me. I would misread text messages from her and would reply incorrectly ( I have the auditory processing disorder, which I think she forgot I had), my responses and use of incorrect words would always work against me.
My depression has been really bad in the past 3 weeks and only 2 weeks ago she broke up with me, I've never cried so much in my life. Every night for 2 weeks, I wrote her letters to try and get her back. I would stay up all night thinking of what to write. What hurt the most is that she would say " I'm scared, you're mentally not well" please leave me to alone, you're scaring me. Her hurtful words have scared me.
She thinks I'm, not the person she fall in love with, I haven't slept more than 4 hours in over 3 weeks .
I've put on a brave face for months during our relationship, but I've really been hurting so much.
When I told her how bad of a place I was in after she broke up with me, she said you looked fine the other day. yeah, because I'm putting on a brave face and smiling. I wasn't sighing because I wanted to take a deep breath, I was sighing because I was struggling so much.
Breaking up through a text has hurt me so much, every time I look at my phone I remember reading the text.
Knowing she has already moved on and I'm here lonely battling with myself, I feel worthless.
To have someone leave you while you're in a dark place mentally doesn't help, and to lose the love of your life makes it so much harder.

[geoff]

Hello Mpatt, welcome to the BB forums.

Firstly no one is worthless and this certainly includes yourself.

We try and put on a brave face to the people we love, but it's too exhausting and we become so tired of doing it, that eventually, we can't pretend anymore.

To move on when you're in a dark place isn't easy and are you sure she has moved on or just taken a break.

If you still have memories from 5 years ago this indicates you may have PTSD, but that's for a doctor to diagnose.

Have you mentioned to her again that you have auditory processing disorder because that's pretty significant?

Can I ask if you are receiving any help because this does include difficulty understanding speech in noisy environments, following instructions and distinguishing between similar sounds.

Please let me know.

Geoff.

[mpatt]

It was mentioned once a few months ago, she has blocked me on all forms of communication. So i can't remind her that I have it
She has moved on and removed me from her life

[mpatt]

Why would be ex gf use my mental health against me and say she is scared. To leave her alone forever and that its scary because I have a mental illness 😞

[geoff]

Hello Mpatt, I'm so sorry I haven't responded, but for your girlfriend to use mental illness against you is never any reason why she should leave you.

We all have our difficulties in life, and each one of us has to understand and try to know why this happens, but those people who don't want to learn how this works, only want to look after themselves.

I'll be back on early in the morning and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.