My life doesn't matter anymore to me

didee3664 · ‎25-10-2018

I have depression and for a while I managed, but over the last three months everything has come crashing down, I have three daughters, two of which have children and I have no relationship with any of them, I am made to feel guilty because of my depression and what I put them through when they were younger, they tolerate me, I have no bond with any of them and this hurts so much, I have a husband who loves me and my family is there for support, but lately even that doesn't help, I used enjoying crocheting, but even that is now too much of an effort to do, I have no joy or happiness, and life is like one hurdle I struggle to get over. I often thinks whats the point, I am so over everything and everyone, I don't sleep all that often because my brain won't stop, I don't enjoy life. I go through the motions and that's about it, I pretend everything is okay, yet deep down inside I ache and hurt, there are times when I just to give up and hide in the corner and have no-one around me, there are time when I want to be left alone. I have been through this before, but this time it hurts more.

CloudyWithAChanceOfTears · ‎25-10-2018

Hi didee3664

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling the worst you can feel. Please make an appointment with your GP. I did. I take a low dose anti-depressant every day just to keep me balanced. It really helps.

Unfortunately, I have been so busy at work that I've missed mine for a few days. So today, I am at home, because I couldn't manage to drag myself back there. Then I got the guilt trip over the phone when I called in, because 6.50am is too late by their standards. They haven't walked in my shoes. I was crying, and I was still made to feel like an inconvenience! And I'm one of the friendliest people at my workplace (I hide it very well!).

I'm worried my depression will affect my kids too. They are teenagers. Only occasionally do they see me like this. I'm usually high functioning, but the last few years have been very hard-- My marriage is sliding. This is a consequence of my instability.

I know words don't always help, but talking to others who understand does. Sharing our stories can help. You are supported and validated.... Remember that..

IreneM · ‎25-10-2018

Hi didee it certainly sounds like you are getting very low in the depression hole.

I agree with Cloudy, please see your GP and get some help. But don't just get a drug and depend on it. Learn from a Psychologist what your problem is and work on it with the right therapy. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helped me, but if you go to the treatments section in this forum there are many other therapies. I've had to work at it for many years and it is now starting to pay off!

But keep one thing in mind if things get so bad that you reach rock bottom, there is only one way to go - up and slowly out!

Take care

Missing_Akaboo · ‎26-10-2018

Hi Didee,

Thanks for sharing. You have been blessed with life and I hope you find a way to push all the pain and suffering aside and embrace your right to the life you deserve. I wish you strength and stamina to determine what it is that has led to you state your life doesn't matter to you. You must know your life does matter and something or someone has conditioned you to not see this. I logged on after 2 years because of triggers, and your share reminded me that crotcheting matters. Well it matters to me anyway. There is a crotcheting group at our local community centre who meet once a week for a cuppa and they chat and make little suits for premature babies. They drop the suits to the hospital and sell some to raise money for wool to make more. It's really nice that they do it and it makes their interest very meaningful. I would like to learn how to crotchet. Earlier this year I bought some crotcheting toy kits to do with my daughter. I still have not done them. Your interest in crotcheting reminded me that I should get on with that. I hope to log on this weekend and say thank you for reminding me to make time to push through and do this cool thing with my kid. The overwhelming sadness is always there and triggers are always pushing be back every time I make some progress forward, but maybe if I crotchet these little toys with my little girl, I will have something to look at, a meaningful and lovely moment to remember. I truly hope you find a way to see the truth and believe that your life does matter to you.